# jocularity



## kiyote

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Henry, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.


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## pokeyjeeper

Good one kiyote


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## 220swift

True small town justice.........good one there kiyote.


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## kiyote

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable / TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

City, County & State Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.


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## kiyote

I live in constant fear
That someone will kidnap my Mother-in-Law!


Who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, Bldg C, Apt 32
3rd floor on the left.
The key is under the mat!


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## hassell

Good one.


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## kiyote

"May Day! May Day!


This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.


The pilot has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…


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## C2C

kiyote said:


> "May Day! May Day! This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!" She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary" "O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven&#8230;


You're on a roll .. keep em comin . :roflmao:


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## kiyote

C2C said:


> You're on a roll .. keep em comin . :roflmao:


I wool try,

A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop asks for her license. She digs through her purse for a bit, then asks, "What's it look like?" The cop says "It's a little rectangle with your picture on it." The blonde rummages again and hands the cop a rectangular makeup mirror. The cop says "Why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day!"


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## kiyote

A priest was checking into a hotel and asked 

the receptionist, "I trust the pornography channel is disabled?" "No, replied the receptionist, it's just regular porn, you filthy bastard."


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## kiyote

My wife has put on a lot of weight

but then she's had a lot on her plate lately.



If Russia attacked Turkey from behind
Would Greece help?


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## kiyote

yestiddy I were buying beer at the local grocery store.

the young checkout gal ASKED ME, " got any ID?"
I answered, " bout wut!"


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## 220swift

:teeth: :teeth:


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## 220swift

​


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## 220swift

​


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## 220swift

​


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## kiyote

At an auction in Mumbai a wealthy Indian announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a person shouted, “I’ll give $150!”


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## kiyote

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling upher car at the next pump. She glanced over and looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in the barter system, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Maybe. How much ammo ya got?"


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## Mo Mo

I went golfing and hit two good balls today....I stepped on a rake.


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## kiyote

they ain't good no mo :teeth:


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## murphyranch

Naked man wraps himself in cellophane and goes into a psychiatrists office. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says " clearly I can see your nuts."


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## kiyote

My wife said she was leaving me because of my

lack of vocabulary.
I was at a loss for words.


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## kiyote

My ex-wife and I divorced over religious 
differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

I found myself in a really strange place after my divorce.......the kitchen.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

Friend: What did your wife do before you divorced her?
Me: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Lawyer: "You want a divorce because your wife is careless about her appearance?"
Me: "Yes. She hasn't showed up in 18 months."

My divorce has taught me that that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a big financial loss.

Lawyer: "You say you're divorcing your wife for health reasons?"
Me: "Yes. I'm sick of her."

How is an ex-wife like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, but once it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.


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## kiyote

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”


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## kiyote

A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."


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## kiyote

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long
life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age.So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


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## kiyote

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for bad hunter.


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## kiyote

Did you hear about the faith healer who cured deaf little children by sticking his finger in their ears and praying?


now he's doing hemorrhoids, too


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## kiyote

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough $ex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough $ex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?


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## kiyote

Great idea!
-
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.


He says prophets are going through the roof.


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## kiyote

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first…

But then I think,
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the
Diet Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to
watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the
kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why
nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but
first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet,
your day is coming!

…and tomorrow morning you discover that the hose is still running.


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## kiyote

http://www.jamesfuqua.com/lawyers/jokes/coyote-acme.shtml


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## kiyote

i once knew a girl who had 12 nipples,

sounds strange, dozen tit?


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## kiyote

I sat in the local pub enjoying a yard of ale when I overhead 3 heavy set girls at the table behind me speaking with a thick Scottish accent. I mean these gals, as lovely as they were, weighed about 400+ pounds each. Being a friendly guy, i turned and asked "Are you young lassies from Scotland?" The biggest of them swung her head to me, and jiggled her chin as she shouted "It's WALES you bloody idiot WALES!" I replied in apology "Sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?" My ambulance arrived a few minutes later.


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## kiyote

for the RV hunters.


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## kiyote

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.


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## kiyote

A man was sitting on a plane waiting to take off and a gorgeous brunette comes down the aisle and takes the seat next to him.

Not believing his good fortune, he strikes up a conversation. Soon after they take off and the girl begins to sneeze... With each sneeze he politely says, bless you, but without a word she gets up and rushes to the restroom.

After five or six times, in ten minutes, his curiosity gets the better of him and says "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but every time you sneeze you leave for the ladies room... Are you alright"?

She apologizes and says... "Oh, I am so sorry, but I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm..."

The man is dumbfounded by what she just said, but tries to be sympathetic but still curious, he says... "Oh, I'm so sorry for you... Is there something you can take for that..."?

To which she quickly replies, with a demure smile, she says... "Yes there is... Pepper!"


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## kiyote

On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. “Why couldn’t this happen on my last day of hunting?!” the hunter cried to the doctor. “It did,” the doctor replied.


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## kiyote

A deer hunter just messed up another hunt. This happened to him more times than he could count. He would spot a buck, aim , fire and miss. He would sneak up close just to get busted and watch the deer run away. He would sneeze just as the buck came into range. He would fall asleep on stand, waking in time to watch a giant buck scamper away. Frustrated, he complained to his hunting buddies. “Everything that happens to guys that don’t know how to hunt keeps happening to me!” he said.


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## kiyote

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"


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## kiyote

an old lady goes to the doctor

"Doc," "I've got a hard lump under each breast"

"there's nothing to worry about; those are your kneecaps"


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## kiyote

A Democrat and a Republican were talking one day 

and the Democrat says: Ibought some Gourmet salt and the packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed. The label says the expiration date is June 2018.

Republican response: I'm so glad they dug it up just in time


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## kiyote

Mary married Larry, and they had 6 kids.
Larry dies, and she later remarried Harry,
and they had 6 kids.
Harry dies, and Mary remarries for the third time my best friend Jeff, and they had 6 more kids.
Well after 18 kids, Mary dies! At the funeral I tried to console Jeff, and said "Well, at least they'll be together now".
Jeff says "Who? Mary and Larry, or Mary and Harry?
I said "No, I was talking about her legs".


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## kiyote

Grandma 

I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!"
She said, "Well, he should have said something."


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## kiyote

Do you know the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.


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## kiyote

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,

and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...


Frank, the hand from Kansas says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."


Snake River Ben, from Oklahoma, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."


Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his pecker...


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## kiyote

Q: Why will O.J. be set free before Thanksgiving?
A: He is the only one in his family who can carve up white meat.


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## kiyote

A ******* from West Virginia was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.

''Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're engaged for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

What's going on here, people? asks the officer.

I'm making love to my wife, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face.


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## kiyote

Daddy - Daughter talk

"Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is soooo into his cars and said "that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.”!!!


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## kiyote

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

A Daddy Long legs,' her father answered..

'So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long legs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."


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## kiyote

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks

into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."


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## kiyote

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hollers at the bartender "Hey Jackass...gimme a beer!"
The bartender obliges without comment.
After the patron downs his beer he hollers at the bartender again "Hey Jackass...gimme another beer".
Again, the bartender gets the guy another beer and says nothing.
The third time the drinker hollers the same command, one of the other patrons says to the bartender "Why do you let him call you Jackass?"
The bartender replies "He-aw He-aw He-always calls me that".


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## kiyote

A woman went to the capital of France on a

wine-tasting vacation, but drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She vowed to never again get plastered in Paris.


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## kiyote

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a chat.


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## kiyote

What do you call......a dog with no legs?

it doesn't matter because he won't come anyway.


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## kiyote

I was minding my own business enjoying my ride when a group of teens zoomed up along side me and hollered "PIG!"
I hollered back "You stupid juvenile delinquents! You should be ashamed of yourselves as I'm sure your parents are!!"

Then i ran over a pig.


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## kiyote

Night of Drinking A man and his pet wolf walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my wolf." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the wolf falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a wolf."


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## kiyote

A Trump voter, Hillary voter and a Bernie voter

all lived in the same house. Last Tuesday morning the house burned to the ground. Why was the Trump voter the only one to survive?
Well, Tuesday is a work day.


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## Larry

That last one wasnt bad.


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## texaspredatorhunter

Only reason for protests after election!


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## kiyote

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


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## Larry

kiyote said:


> A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."


plagiarized from: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/joke-A-hillbilly-was-making-his-fir/2017080817


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## glenway

Maybe we can look them up ourselves now. But, what jokes are not plagiarized?


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## kiyote

Larry said:


> plagiarized from: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/joke-A-hillbilly-was-making-his-fir/2017080817


well duh. you didn't think I was making em all up did you? though that is not the location I plagarized it from.

if so , you want to buy some ocean front property in arizona? I'LL give you a real good price.


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## kiyote

Democrats are smart, but only when 

a Republican is President.
My reasoning--
A democrat is President, a radical muslim shoots up an Army base while yelling "allahu akbar", and democrats say "We may never know the motives for this."
A radical muslim shoots up a nightclub while telling the 911 operator. who he called during the shooting, that he was doing it for islam, and democrats say, "We may never know the motives for this."
A republican is President, a white nationalist drives a car into a crowd of radical democrats and within minutes democrats say, "We know the motive for this."
You democrats should always vote republican, it's the only time your brains seem to work.





hey larry. I didn make this one up either.


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## Larry

glenway said:


> Maybe we can look them up ourselves now. But, what jokes are not plagiarized?


I am laughing now Glen, I googled , "what jokes are not plagiarized" Guess what there is a Wikipedia on Joke Theft!


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## kiyote

Father and son cannibals spot a beautiful 

girl showering naked under a waterfall. The son asks: "Shall we take her home and eat her?" "No," says the father. "We'll take her home and eat your mother."


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## bar-d

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!'

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows your sister"

:hunter:


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## kiyote

What is hardest week of the year 4 Democrats? 

the hardest week of the year for Democrats is the week between Christmas and new years
when there are no more nativity scenes to protest, and 1st graders aren't back in school learning proper condom usage


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## kiyote

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/jimmy-fallon-jokes-donald-trump-plagi


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## kiyote

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/jimmy-fallon-jokes-donald-trump-plagi


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## kiyote

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.


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## kiyote

Nature called all day yesterday.

I am wiped.


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## kiyote

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home


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## 220swift

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


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## kiyote

Ode to John and Lorena Bobbit

(Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend

Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed

Whizzed, that is
Even seam,
Straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video, that is
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear....


----------



## kiyote

I was breastfed until 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?


----------



## kiyote

viewing eclipse is like spanking the monkey.
if you don't you'll lose yer mind but if you do you might go blind


----------



## kiyote

Jesus and Mohammad have a good laugh togther 

Mohammad says to Jesus, "When one of my martyrs dies they will get 72 virgins!".
Jesus says "I know, I've seen the pictures, no wonder they're virgins!"


----------



## glenway

Next year it'll be a new toilet seat. Soon as I can find that measuring tape, I'm ordering one for Christmas.


----------



## kiyote

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no oncoming traffic.


An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Islamic extremists shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.


Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed.


Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, and killing everyone in it.


For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been ME!!"




So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.


----------



## kiyote

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,

I can't even get into my own pants.


----------



## glenway

Now, there's some good advice.


----------



## kiyote

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


----------



## kiyote

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in Horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.


----------



## kiyote

california news

Sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to kill every U.S. citizen in Los Angeles. Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9


----------



## glenway

Health food.


----------



## kiyote

The Pope and one of his Cardinals were on a plane.
To pass the time, he was doing a crossword puzzle.

He was stuck on 18 across; He leans over to the Cardinal and says:

"What's a four letter word that means Woman and ends in U-N-T?"

The Cardinal replies -
"Your Eminence I believe the word your searching for is AUNT!"

"Oh, you're right" says the Pope.... "Umm... Do you have an eraser?"


what was your guess??


----------



## kiyote

My friend had a heart attack while hiking in

Mt. Rainier National Park. He isn't out of the woods yet.



I had to take a woodchopper to the hospital.

He had a pain in the lumbar region.




This guy threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me.

Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.


----------



## kiyote

What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to
buy a license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But
then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said “You
don’t understand I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite
a kid.” When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every
room in the place was for sex. I said “You don’t understand Sex keeps me awake at night.” The
clerk said “Me too.” One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own
tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show
off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your
honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him that after I
was married Sex left. He said “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me
and asked “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I’m looking
for Sex. My case comes up Friday.


----------



## kiyote

In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a dirt-poor country farmer won the Lottery - half a million dollars. So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They'd never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they'd never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the "Big Apple".

Eli and his son Clem were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel reception. They'd never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen an elevator before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.

Eli turned to Clem and said, "Son, go get your mother."


----------



## kiyote

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?


----------



## kiyote

Not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist..

but isn't it a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??


----------



## kiyote

Positive Attitude

I was out for a Sunday ride on my motorcycle and a careless driver turned left in front of me. Two days later I regained consciousness in the hospital. I was in the ICU in agonizing pain, tubes up my nose and IV's in my arm. My legs were gone above the knee and my left arm was gone below the elbow. I had a tracheotomy tube in my throat and couldn't talk. I had a colostomy bag in my abdomen. Wires were monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse was attending me. At first I thought she was an Angel.

I realized I'd been in a bad accident. The nurse noticed that I was conscious and gently held my right hand which was missing the thumb and index finger, looked me straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You have been seriously injured, your back is broken in two places. Your genitals were damaged beyond repair and had to be amputated. One of your ears was ripped off and your face will require extensive reconstructive surgery. You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I thought about this and looked at the beautiful nurse and made a writing gesture and the nurse gave me a pencil and notepad. I slowly wrote "Can I feel your tits, then?"


----------



## kiyote

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?! What the hell did you sell him?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'


----------



## kiyote

Men's Help Line





Hello, You have reached the 'Men's Help Line"


My name is Don. How can I help you?





"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem.


I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been


cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone


rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she


goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake


to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.


Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.


When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat,
that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?


----------



## kiyote

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."


----------



## kiyote

Two boys noticed something odd in an apartment, one story above them.

Men would walk up the stairs, knock, and when a woman answered the door and said "what do you want?" the men handed over 20 dollars and went into the room. And later,when the men came out, they were smiling.

The two boys were quite curious about this, but they managed to scrape together only$10, went up the stairs, and knocked.

The woman answered, and said "what do you want?" and when the boys handed her the ten dollars, she smacked them both in the head with one swing, and knocked them both down the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, they shook themselves off, rubbed the bruises, and one of them said, "boy, I'm glad we only had ten dollars - I couldn't take twenty dollars of that !"


----------



## knapper

One time my sister told our younger brother that he was 1/4 polish and he looked puzzled and said " how can that be there are three of us?" He now has worked for NASA for 25 years as an engineer. True story.


----------



## kiyote

A drunk was staggering home through the park

when he saw a man doing push-ups. He yelled: "I think you should know, pal.........your girlfriend has gone home !"


----------



## youngdon

A woman had a heart attack and died before being resuscitated she saw God and asked him "why does my life have to end today "?
God replied " oh don't worry you have another 30 years before your life is over" As she thought about the next 30 years she decided that she should have a tummy tuck, a nose job, collagen in her lips, a boob job, liposuction and a makeover. Once it was all over and she felt better she decided to go out and show off her new look. As she stepped out onto the street she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. When she got to see God she was mad and yelled at him. She reminded him he had said she had another 30 years to live. God replied "Giiiirrrlllll I dint even recognize you"


----------



## kiyote

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."


----------



## kiyote

the class assignment was to write a short story using as few words as possible

the story had to contain religion, sex, and mystery

the only A+ in the class...

OMG! I'm pregnant, wonder who did it.


----------



## kiyote

Early one stormy morning, Ben Franklin was outside with a kite in one hand, and the string in the other.

Deborah says: "Ben, what the heck are you doing out there in the rain?"

Ben says: "This dang kite won't stay in the air!"

Deborah says: "I think I know what's wrong, you need a little tail!"

Ben says: "That's what I suggested this morning and you told me to go fly a kite


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Tom and his boss were talking about being sick

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.


----------



## kiyote

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and
soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for
eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with
an even uglier woman. St. Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.

“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”


----------



## kiyote

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


----------



## kiyote

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


----------



## kiyote

A young boy comes home from school at around 7pm

As he walks through the door his Dad questions him. "Where the hell have you been?" "I was with Jessica" He replied. "And what were you doing?" "We were studying" The boy replies right before walking over to the table and picking up a snack and taking a bite. "Wow, these fishcakes are delicious!" he said. After laughing a little, his Dad replies "Go and brush your teeth , son, they're doughnuts".


----------



## kiyote

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string..


----------



## kiyote

Reply
Quote
0

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A black man found a lamp on a trash pile. He took it home and started to clean it. A puff of smoke filled the room, and a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes, master," the genie said.

The black man thought for a few seconds. "I want a million dollars in small bills." He pointed to the dining room table. "And put it right there."

Another puff of smoke appeared. When it cleared, the money was there.

"Okay," the black man said, "I want a new Porsche. Red." He pointed to the driveway. "Right there."

The yard filled with smoke. When it cleared, the car was there."

"You have one more wish, master," the genie said.

"Okay . . . " The black man thought. "I want to be white, uptight, and outa sight."

The genie turned him into a tampon.


----------



## kiyote

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual

partners he'd had.
He started counting...............then he fell asleep.


----------



## kiyote

Mr. And Mrs Jones are out of money

They spent both Social Security checks on bills and don't have any money left for food.

Mrs. Jones finally says "well, there's only one thing we can do. I'll go out tonight and turn some tricks."

Mr. Jones objects, but they don't have any other choices.

Mrs. Jones leaves, and comes home in the morning with a pocketful of cash. She and Mr. Jones count it. There's one hundred dollars and fifty cents.

Mr. Jones asks "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Mrs. Jones says "they all did."


----------



## kiyote

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats.

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. (of coarse one should keep in mind that they have also spent the day licking their balls!)









4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.


----------



## kiyote

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as its paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

p.s.

*Do not do this with a kitten*

They disappear during the rinse.


----------



## kiyote

I wonder if orphans are allowed to watch PG movies.


----------



## kiyote

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. They guys asked, “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

“Okay” they said, and left.

The following year one of the guys came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said, “Weren’t you here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah,” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him”, said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”


----------



## kiyote

The bartender asks “why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The bar tender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”

The man asks “well what would you do in my situation?”

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “if I found out that a guy is sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I would kill the guy.”

A couple of hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks into the bar with a smile on his face.

“Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously

“Nope!” I slept with your wife. Whisky please”


----------



## kiyote

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this village. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## kiyote

One Sunday afternoon...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


----------



## youngdon

Hahahaha. !


----------



## kiyote

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch
tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.


----------



## kiyote

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two

new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? That's fred He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

“Well,” fred began, “I remember back in ’44, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ‘ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!… ‘ I tell you, I just messed my pants.”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”

Old fred shook his head and said, “No, no, not then, just now when I said ‘ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!’”


----------



## catcapper

Dang, I don't know what is go'in on--- the country must be go'in crazy--------- last night I had to put 14 zombies down---------------------------------------------- funny thing is---------------------- they were all carry'in candy.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde

wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything

together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in
the
morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she
was pointing
her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was
telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want
to take my saddle off
of him!


----------



## kiyote

This Hit Me like a Ton of Bricks

I Just Realized Something: My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me ~ MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN


----------



## kiyote

2 gentleman from Illinois went deer hunting in Wisconsin and shot a deer. They started dragging it back by the hind legs and were having a heck of a time dragging it when they came acrooss another hunter. The hunter explained to them that they should drag it by the head, as it is much easier. One of the men then replied "We tried that but we kept getting farther away from the truck!"


----------



## kiyote

There is this old fart, Fred who walks into a local bar.
He spies a young 60 something year old sitting at the bar, drinking
he walks over and says, "Hi, can i buy you a drink?"
She shrugs ... "Sure"
Fred asks if she frequents the bar on a regular basis and she says, "Yes'
Fred summons his courage and asks the big question,
"Do I come here often?"


----------



## kiyote

Little Johnny is late for school one morning. His teacher asks him why he was late.

"Well, Miss, I had to take our cow over to the next farm and have her serviced. You know. Bred."

Teacher thinks, and says "but couldn't your father have done it?"

"Yes, Miss, he could have," Johnny said, "but not as good as the bull."


----------



## kiyote

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!


----------



## kiyote

only 7 reindeer this Christmas 

Comet has to stay home and clean the sink.


----------



## kiyote

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


----------



## kiyote

The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them come up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again..
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:
Congressmen & women should be required to wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!


----------



## kiyote

Ben and Colin are two elderly gentlemen who live in New York State who love going fishing together. They decide to do some 'ice fishing'. Since neither have experienced it before, Ben suggests that going north into Canada might be a good idea and Colin agrees so off they go. On arrival they find the lake is frozen nicely.

They stop just before they get to the lake at a little local bait shop and buy all their tackle. Colin comments, 'Hey, Ben, we're going to need an ice pick.'

So they purchase that and stride to the lake. After about two hours, Colin returns to the bait shop saying, 'We're going to need another dozen ice picks.'

The shopkeeper is surprised and wants to ask some questions, but he doesn't. He sells the fisherman the picks, and the old boy leaves.









About an hour later hour, Ben arrives at the shop, 'We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.' The bait man can't stand it any longer. 'Say man,' he asks, 'how are you two fellows doing?'

'Not very well at all,' mutters an irritated Ben, 'We haven't even got the boat in the water yet.'


----------



## kiyote

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

Looking over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike. At that instant the atheist cried out, without thinking, "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and answered, "It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years; but, perhaps, you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The River ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together....... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


----------



## kiyote

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing. The first old lady
recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to
be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a
piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word
you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
about.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Two guys were speeding down the highway in their car. They were pulled over by the State Patrol. The officer got out, approached the car and asked for the driver's license and registration. After the driver handed him this, the officer pulled out his nightstick and struck him over the head telling him to stay in the car. He then went back to the cruiser and wrote him out a ticket for speeding. When he approached the driver to hand him the ticket he struck him with the nightstick again and told him not to move. The officer then went to the passenger's side of the car and tapped on the window, telling the passenger to roll his window down. The passenger cautiously rolled his window down and the officer reached in and struck him over the head with his nightstick, too. The passenger was stunned and asked the officer, "What did you hit me for?" The officer said "I'm granting you your wish." Passenger "What wish was that?" Officer " I knew you'd get about a mile down the road and say," Man, I wish he would have hit ME like that!" "


----------



## kiyote

Overheard at the Psychiatrist's Office 

"So, tell me again why you resent your parents, Lesby Anne..."


----------



## kiyote

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said,

"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent.

"Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!"

Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked,

"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?"

The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied,

"I walked home".


----------



## kiyote

A man from an eastern big city decided to leave it all behind and move to a remote ranch out west. His nearest neighbor was 10 miles away. After a few months of solitude his day was interrupted by the sound of a horse approaching his ranch house. His nearest neighbor rode up and introduced himself and welcomed him to the area. He told him he was going to have a party at his ranch to welcome him to the area. "There'll be drinking, dancing, gambling and wild sex". After thinking about it, the newcomer asked "What should I wear?" The rancher replied " It don't matter, it's just gonna be the two of us."


----------



## kiyote

Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said


----------



## kiyote

A hillbilly girl went out on a date with a guy by the name of Clarence. About an hour later she came back home with her hair messed up and her dress torn. Her Daddy asked what happened. "Oh, Pa Clarence tried to have his way with me!" Pa "That's it boys. Grab yer guns!" They piled into the back of the old pickup truck with guns bristling. As they bounced down the dirt road they came to a bridge. Pa locks up the brakes and they all pile up against the cab as the truck comes to a stop. "What's the matter Pa? I thought we were going to even the score with Clarence." Pa "No son, lookie at that sign on the bridge. It says-Clarence 11'3". He's too big for us!"


----------



## kiyote

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.

"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.

"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.

"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"


----------



## youngdon

3. First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them.

"In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. 
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


----------



## kiyote

be wise and have a happy and safe thanksgiving!


----------



## kiyote

Ray arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies Ray.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”


----------



## kiyote

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."


----------



## kiyote

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.


----------



## kiyote

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."


----------



## kiyote

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are

to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought
to
the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last
request,
to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty
grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta
go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says
the warden. He turns to
the biker, "And you, biker, what's your
last request?"

"That you kill me first."


----------



## kiyote

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"


----------



## kiyote

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the scotsman, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"


----------



## youngdon

Wow....


----------



## kiyote

yeah, I liked that one also.


----------



## kiyote

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.


----------



## kiyote

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."


----------



## kiyote

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."


----------



## kiyote

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


----------



## kiyote

Roger and I are good friends but I wish he would get a grip on his drinking problem. We were at a bar last night and Roger was really getting drunk. He just didn't know when to stop. Just before we were ready to leave, Roger had to go to the restroom. I waited and had another drink. After I finished my drink, I heard really loud screaming coming from the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard almost a blood-curdling scream coming from the bathroom. It sounded like Roger, so I went to check on him. When I opened the bathroom, I asked Roger was he OK. He said no every time he flushed the toilet something comes up and squeezes the heck out of his boys. I open the stall door and said, "You idiot you are sitting on the mop bucket."


----------



## kiyote

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.


----------



## bar-d

:clapclap:


----------



## kiyote

wife- do these pants make my behind look big?

husband - no but your behind makes those pants look small!!!!


----------



## kiyote

There will be no Nativity Scene in D.C. this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


----------



## murphyranch

Caitlin Jenner is filing a lawsuit against a man for groping and molesting her for the last 50 years. His name is Bruce.


----------



## kiyote

When young people tell me about their problems

I like to tell them that story about the time when I survived without a cell phone or the internet for 40 years


----------



## Mo Mo

What's the difference between Helen Keller and a *******?

*She* got famous for not being able to read.


----------



## kiyote

A farmer, a mechanic; a priest and a school teacher went deer hunting together. A huge 10 point buck jumped up and attempted to run and all four hunters shot and the buck fell dead.
After arguing for awhile as to who actually killed the deer they decided to ask the local game warden to make the decision.
Only seconds passed and the game warden declares the priest was the one that killed the deer. How do you know that they all asked. Simple said the game warden the bullet went in one ear and out the other.


----------



## kiyote

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know…*pauses to think*…my mother was never a young boy.


----------



## Mo Mo




----------



## kiyote

well duuhh!

you weren't one of the fools that thought I was making em all up were you? :mrgreen:

if you have some issue with it , just walk away from this thread, you won't be missed.


----------



## kiyote

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.


----------



## kiyote

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"


----------



## kiyote

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."


----------



## kiyote

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


----------



## youngdon

And that's when the fight started !


----------



## kiyote

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen sniff?
Enough to kill two and a half men!


----------



## kiyote

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”


----------



## kiyote

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.


----------



## kiyote

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to the issue..

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't breedin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation.

The meeting never really got back to order.


----------



## kiyote

Leave a man on a plane, he flies for a day 

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life


----------



## kiyote

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR


----------



## kiyote

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.Fishy tales Will and Guy's humour

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'


----------



## kiyote

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...



In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.


----------



## kiyote

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”


----------



## kiyote

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”


----------



## kiyote

According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.”

The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”


----------



## kiyote

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.


----------



## kiyote

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?


1Forrest1


----------



## kiyote

I saw a driver texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.


----------



## kiyote

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word,  I have to put a dollar in the jar, and  at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.


----------



## kiyote

I came across this picture of helen keller and her cat,"mittens". it was so touching I had to share it


----------



## bugsanddaffy331

[quote name="kiyote" post="309417" timestamp="1515249337"]
I came across this picture of helen keller and her cat,"mittens". it was so touching I had to share it

Is this bus worthy  lol

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

I spend three minutes every  day choosing a TV channel  to leave on for my dog. Then  I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.


----------



## kiyote

Two couples were playing cards when Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

When Dave arrived home he asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Then Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."


----------



## kiyote

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


----------



## kiyote

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"


----------



## kiyote

My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…


----------



## kiyote

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile a tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don’t think so.


----------



## kiyote

“A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!”


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

* Thank you Kiyote--I have a good laugh every Morning*

*svb*


----------



## kiyote

you bet. if you have any jokes to add , post em up.


----------



## kiyote

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.... The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


----------



## kiyote

hawian underwear sales skyrocket after false missile scare.

the islanders dropped much bigger loads the the lil rocketman will ever be capable of.


----------



## kiyote

mother knows 


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and
the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.

"

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.


----------



## kiyote

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out
of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend
other diners,
went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."


----------



## kiyote

One man's trash is another Man's treasure?


Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.


----------



## kiyote

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle.


----------



## kiyote

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!


His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?


----------



## kiyote

News just in!
Someone has been killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.


----------



## kiyote

I must be getting old

Last night I stayed up until 12:00 midnight to watch the countdown to the closing of our Government on Fox News
I should have taped it and got some sleep but Hey (I will admit) it was much better live
.... ..I gotta get a life.


----------



## kiyote

A man has been arrested after trying to scale

the security fence at the White House. Police who led the man away were heard to say, "We don't care how bad it is, you've got another three years to serve, Mr President."


----------



## kiyote

My wife told me

women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!


----------



## kiyote

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...


"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"


----------



## kiyote

I used to work as a waiter.
The pay wasn't great, but I put food on the table.


----------



## kiyote

Jehovahs Witnesses: "Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?"

Me: "Of course! Please come in!"

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: "But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!"


----------



## kiyote

one morning on the golf course 

Two men were playing golf when one noticed a funeral procession passing the course. He removed his cap, lowered his head, and whispered a prayer.

"That was nice of you," his friend said.

The man put his cap back on. "It's the least I could do," he said. "I was married to her for thirty-six years."


----------



## kiyote

They started to lay the foundation for the Obama Library

https://me.me/i/they-started-pouring-the-foundation-for-the-obama-library-in-13479879


----------



## kiyote

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School .

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.


----------



## kiyote

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR 

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful,
and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, and took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
We could end up with a dangling participle.


----------



## youngdon

:roflmao:


----------



## glenway

Only to be left hanging out dreaming of his close associate: the split infinitive.


----------



## kiyote

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said. . .
in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment
of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where are you Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan


ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your Memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your Memory?
WITNESS: I Forget.
ATTORNEY: You Forget? Can you give us an Example of something you Forgot?



ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn't know about it until the next Morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam?


ATTORNEY: The Youngest Son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you Present when your Picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you Kidding me?


ATTORNEY: She had three Children, Right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were Boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any Girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first Marriage Terminated?
WITNESS: By Death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose Death was it Terminated?
WITNESS: Take a Guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the Individual?
WITNESS: He was about Medium Height and had a Beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a Male or a Female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with Male.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your Autopsies have you Performed on Dead People?
WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones Put Up Too Much Of A Fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your Responses MUST be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: ORAL...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the Body?
WITNESS: The Autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was Dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


And Lastly:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Autopsy, did you check for a Pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood Pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the Patient was Alive when you began the Autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his Brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and Practicing Law.


----------



## kiyote

A cop stopped me for speeding.

He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."


----------



## kiyote

God visited a woman and told

her she must give up smoking, drinking and
unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try
her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight
of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it at Costco either!


----------



## kiyote

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??


----------



## kiyote

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing


----------



## kiyote

Three young women at a party were trying to 

impress each other by bragging about their husbands.
The first said: "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera this summer. We're going to hire a yacht and hang out with movie stars."
The second said: "My husband just bought me a new Mercedes."
Unimpressed, the third said: "We don't have expensive material possessions, but one thing I can tell you about my husband: thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
Hearing this, the first woman looked ashamed and admitted: "I was lying. We're not really going to the French Riviera."
The second woman confessed: "And my husband didn't really buy me a Mercedes. It was a Toyota.
The third wife said: I,too, have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

* Now that's funny right there LOL ----------I even thing I hear My HONEY Laughing*

*svb*


----------



## kiyote

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics". . .no go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" . . . thumbs down.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" . . . still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" . . . unacceptable!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" . . . not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" . . . no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" . . . still no good.

"Loons and Moons" . . . forget it.

The docs finally came up with “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends.”
Everyone loved it!


----------



## kiyote

A man with a stutter goes to see his doctor

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better. But my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor.

"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."


----------



## kiyote

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation voiced their unhappiness over the increasing expenses.
The minister stood up and shouted "Procreation is an act of God!"
An old man in the back stood and shouted back, "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"


----------



## kiyote

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its 

Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you.”

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, “Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where’s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.”

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”


----------



## kiyote

My girlfriend said to me the other day ..

"Why did God give women cramp pains , and men nothing !!"

I laughed and replied , " Don't be silly , he gave us women."


----------



## youngdon

LOL.....I'd say we got the better end of the deal on this one as God also gave us ear plugs


----------



## kiyote

For three years, the young attorney had been 

taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ about whether we’d rather have a bastard in the family, or a lawyer.”


----------



## kiyote

An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares. He counted each portion aloud:

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ..."

The Mexican said to the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest.


----------



## kiyote

Kim Jong-Un announced yesterday that North Korea will be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter asked, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

There was a stunned silence while the reporter was beaten. Nobody seemed to know how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered. "We will land at night."

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching Kim's announcement on TV at the DNC headquarters.

When Nancy heard what Kim had just said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.


----------



## kiyote

A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy about 9 answered the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer.
"No, they went to town." replied the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Dad and Mom."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting feet and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you need to borrow something, or I can leave Dad a message." said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer, uncomfortably, "I really want to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


----------



## kiyote

31 January at 08:48 ·
Things can get out of hand pretty quickly in these times.
What a morning...

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility..


----------



## kiyote

Wife called ,

"Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "That's probably why they received flowers"


----------



## kiyote

Wife called ,

"Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "That's probably why they received flowers"


----------



## kiyote

At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Trump strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Trump and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”

The Donald, ever the gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”


----------



## kiyote

A Television crew goes to Hazard Kentucky to

interview someone born and raised there.
They find an 77 year old man who never left Hazard sitting on a porch and started asking him questions.

Sir; "What is the most exciting thing that ever happened in Hazard?"
Old Man; "That would be the time that little girl got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, we found her, all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely."

The T.V. crew looks at each other and know that can't use that and ask another question. "What is the second most exciting thing?"
Old Man; "That would be the time that little sheep got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, found her, we all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely."

The crew says "Holy feces batman" we can't use that either. So lets change the topic."
"What is the worst thing that ever happened to you in Hazard?"
Old Man; " Well, that would be the time I got lost in the woods."


----------



## bar-d

Coyote Problem in Comal County Texas


----------



## kiyote

meep!meep!


----------



## kiyote

I was hunting and came to a clearing in the woods

There, lying in the grass sunning herself, was a beautiful woman, totally naked!
So I asked her, "You game?"
She smiled seductively at me and held out her arms, "Why yesssss", she cooed.

So I shot her.


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

kiyote said:


> I was hunting and came to a clearing in the woods There, lying in the grass sunning herself, was a beautiful woman, totally naked! So I asked her, "You game?" She smiled seductively at me and held out her arms, "Why yesssss", she cooed. So I shot her.


* Happened to me too Kiyote but I missed :hot:* LOL


----------



## youngdon

Good thing you didn't wound her Skip, She'd have chomped down on your short leg.....


----------



## kiyote

had to shoot her. didn know what else to do????

the taxidermy man was sure glad to mount her though.


----------



## kiyote

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.


The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"


----------



## kiyote

I told my new girlfriend that she was the first one i've ever been with with..
She smiled and said "really?"
I said yeah, all the others were sevens and eights


----------



## youngdon

OUCH !


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

* Ya Don I would have been Bit again------- DANG LOL *


----------



## kiyote

me:Why are there broken condoms on the couch? 


Wife: please call our kids by their real names


----------



## kiyote

If We're Going to Arm Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers.


----------



## kiyote

....................


----------



## kiyote

Little boy goes out treat-or-treating, he knocks 

on the door and a lady opens the door, she says, " your all dressed up as a pirate, where are your buccaneers " ?
The little boy thinks for a minute then say, " under my buccan hat ".


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> Little boy goes out treat-or-treating, he knocks on the door and a lady opens the door, she says, " your all dressed up as a pirate, where are your buccaneers " ?The little boy thinks for a minute then say, " under my buccan hat ".


 why can't you see them with your buccan eyes?


----------



## kiyote

A blond comes home to her mother crying..

What's the matter honey?

My husband has dandruff.

And that makes you sad?

No I'm crying because he said he needs some Head and Shoulders.

So, what's the problem?

I don't know how to give Shoulders.


----------



## kiyote

An attractive woman from New York was driving

through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback…”


----------



## kiyote

Little Tommy has a way of saying the wrong thing

at the wrong time.
His Mom says, " We are going to see Aunt Sue's new baby boy. He was born without ears so don't you say a thing about it."

They get to Aunt Sue's and everyone is saying what a handsome, strong, healthy baby his is.

Then Tommy asks, " how's his eye sight." Aunt Sue says, it's great."

Tommy says, "Well that's good, he sure wouldn't be wearing any glasses!"


----------



## kiyote

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”


----------



## kiyote

A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel desk 

clerk for a room.

“Congratulations on your wedding!” the clerk says. “Would you like the bridal, then?”

“Naw, thanks,” says the cowboy. “I’ll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it.”


----------



## kiyote

I farted while lifting a heavy object today

I had to apologize to the guy at the urinal next to me.


----------



## kiyote

A little boy says, "Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her."

"Son," says the dad, "that happens everywhere."


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> I farted while lifting a heavy object today I had to apologize to the guy at the urinal next to me.


I'm sure he was shocked, hopefully you didn't alter his aim.


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> I'm sure he was shocked, hopefully you didn't alter his aim.


lol . didn't think that one through. could cast me in a bad light. :teeth:


----------



## kiyote

Just now coming across the wire.....

I don't know if anyone else is watching BBC News Live but.......It appears that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested yesterday in a hotel in Berlin Germany, while on vacation for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with .....scroll down)

A

Misdewiener


----------



## youngdon

Wow........ that's bad.....


----------



## kiyote

In case of emergency...

run faster than everyone else


----------



## kiyote

My wife wanted to get breast implants.

I told her to take toilet paper twice a day and rub it between her breasts and after a month we can consider it.

After a month she said," the toilet paper didn't do a thing my breasts are the same size."

I said," funny it worked on your pooper!"


----------



## kiyote

Viagra Shipment Stolen!!

Police looking for gang of hardened criminals


----------



## azpredator...

233 likes... kiyote not bad.


----------



## kiyote

azpredator... said:


> 233 likes... kiyote not bad.


never paid much attention to that but glad folks like


----------



## kiyote

I knew a guy who was great at Russian roulette. 

He only lost once.


----------



## kiyote

Teacher asks the class to explain how technology

has changed over the past 20 years.
Girl says "My mom has a phone that can take and send pictures". Boy says "My brother has a door bell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Leroy says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house!"


----------



## kiyote

.......


----------



## kiyote

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans was not the correct answer there either.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."


----------



## kiyote

Do you believe in clubs for women?

Only if kindness fails.


----------



## kiyote

My masseuse asked if I wanted a "Happy Ending"

I said "SURE" and whipped off my towel.

She pointed, laughed, and left.


----------



## kiyote

......


----------



## kiyote

One day at confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"


----------



## Mark Steinmann

I'll add this in...









Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## youngdon

I will forward this to my wife....she's blond..... She hates football....She is also out of town for a few days, so she'll have a chance to forget.


----------



## Mark Steinmann

youngdon said:


> I will forward this to my wife....she's blond..... She hates football....She is also out of town for a few days, so she'll have a chance to forget.


Haha, perfect. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## youngdon

Here is her description of a football game. Run fall down, run fall down, throw the ball, catch it fall down. Kick the ball, other team catches it, run fall down.


----------



## catcapper

Tell Deb I think she's got it figured out.LOL.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

At confession...

A man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”


----------



## kiyote

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”


----------



## kiyote

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."


----------



## kiyote

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.


Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"


As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."


----------



## kiyote

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"


----------



## kiyote

Putin recently won the election

with about 77 percent of the vote...

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.








{ the other day ,I was buying beer at the grocery store . the checkout girl looked at me and asked,"got any i d?"


so I said ," bout what?"
coarse she didn't get it.


----------



## kiyote

My cable repairman asked me what time it was

I said "It's sometime between 10 and 5"


----------



## kiyote

If teachers were not armed,

they'd have to write with their feet.








A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of "Less". The bartender says "What the hell is "Less". "Damn if I know but the doctor says I need to start drinking it.


----------



## kiyote

I told my Dad that I miss my ex-wife. 

He told me;
"Aim lower, take a breath, and squeeeeeeze the trigger."


----------



## kiyote

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.


----------



## kiyote

What's the diff between Hillary and Donald?

Donald can win an election rigged in his favor.


----------



## kiyote

one o the greats- RODNEY DANGERFIELD


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home..


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.


It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio..


I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."


I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.


I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.


My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.


I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.


----------



## kiyote

If you're fat, and offended by fat jokes.....

Lighten up.


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> If you're fat, and offended by fat jokes.....Lighten up.


thats heavy man, just heavy!


----------



## kiyote

I told my son "you will marry the girl I choose"

He said "No!"
I told him "She is Bill Gate's daughter"
He said "Ok"
I called Bill Gates and said "I want your daughter to marry my son"
Bill Gates said "No"
I told Bill Gates "My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said "Ok"
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said "No"
I told him "My son is Bill Gate's son in law.
He said "Ok"

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how Politics work!


----------



## kiyote

Mexican word of the day: Hotel

Trump paid the porn star $130,000 to keep quiet, but the hotel everyone


----------



## kiyote

Typical cops. They caught me running with a

bag of money, but where were they when someone was stealing my getaway car?


----------



## kiyote

Mr Bear and Mr rabbit,,,

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.


----------



## kiyote

My boss said he was going to fire the 

employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.


----------



## kiyote

One bright sunny day

a dad and his young son were walking along a short hiking trail while talking about "stuff".

The son says to his dad...."When I become a man, I want to be a liberal".

The Dad firmly replied..."Son...you will have to choose, you can't be both....


----------



## kiyote

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to  his thick glasses and begs for  a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man  gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”


----------



## kiyote

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my  advantage. I take that as a compliment.


----------



## kiyote

"Dad, I want to become a Democrat," said Jim.

His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"

"Nothing, dad."

"Good, you're halfway there then."


----------



## kiyote

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


















I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".


----------



## kiyote

WELCOME TO MY HOME




Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."


----------



## kiyote

A gorgeous young brunette walked into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


----------



## kiyote

A haggard old lady of 89-years-old was riding in a fancy hotel’s elevator. On the second floor, a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She smoothes down the skirt of her hot pink dress, looks down at the old lady, raises her nose snootily, and arrogantly says:

"Georgio Armani, $150 an ounce."

Just as she speaks, the elevator opens and a glamorous former supermodel, age 45 steps on. She’s draped in a mink stole and wears tall leather boots from Italy. She hears what the younger woman has said to the haggard old lady and flips her hair:

"Chanel, $200 an ounce."

The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open, but right before, she stops and lets a fart, the stench of which could melt paint off of walls, and says:

"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."


----------



## kiyote

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."


----------



## kiyote

Two elderly gents are discussing what medications they take. First gent says, "I take Viagra."
Second gent says,"What's that? Never heard of it."
"Great stuff,"says the first. "Makes you feel like a man of thirty."
"Can you get it over the counter?" asks the second gent.
"Maybe," answers the first. "If you take four tablets."


----------



## kiyote

Blond woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.
Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
Blond woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!


----------



## kiyote

Son: What's the difference between love and marriage?

Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> Son: What's the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.


LOL


----------



## kiyote

I try to be modest at all times and that's what makes me better than everyone else.


----------



## kiyote

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"


----------



## kiyote

The little sexy housewife was built so well, the

TV repairman couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he’d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he’d finished she paid him and said, “I’m going to make a. . . well… unusual request. But you have to first promise me you’ll keep it a secret.”

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man — sigh — he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I’m a woman and you’re a man… ”

The repairman could hardly speak, “Yes yes!”

“And since I’ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .”

“Yes yes!”

“Would you help me move the refrigerator?”


----------



## kiyote

Wife just looked at an 8"x8" picture...

and estimated it to be 12"x12". Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing?


----------



## kiyote

The road we were on led us to a covered bridge just as another car approached from the opposite direction. At an impasse, the other driver—clearly feeling wronged—shouted, "I never back up for idiots!"

I put my car in reverse and replied, "I do."


----------



## kiyote

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.


----------



## kiyote

Hilary sex tape

It's come to light that someone has a sex tape of Hilary with a campaign worker from Arkansas.

They promise to release the video to the public unless they receive 10 million dollars in bitcoin.

Short on funds, Hilary now has the ethical dilemma of trying to personally pay the 10 million dollars in bitcoin or ask the public for the money.

I'd personally pay my entire life savings to be sure I never ever accidently click on that link. I'm pretty sure everyone else feels the same way.


----------



## kiyote

why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

because they are really good at it


----------



## kiyote

Just had a scary thought

There are blond liberals.


----------



## kiyote

The beautiful secretary of the president of a

bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, … don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

we've got burial,creamation and now chum!


----------



## kiyote

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise. The wife needed convincing.


The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"


----------



## kiyote

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"


----------



## kiyote

lol. this is a typical conversation between my parents!















An elderly couple are sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond. Across the pond are vendors selling all types of food stuff. The wife turns to the hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."

The hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

She says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."

He replies, "No I won't... what do you want?"

She says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."

He replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"

The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries.

She says, "I knew you should have written the order down."

The hubby says, "What do you mean – everything is there."

To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"


----------



## kiyote

I'm not against half-naked girls.

At least not as often as I'd like to be.


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

:thumbsup: --- :naughty:


----------



## kiyote

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...


----------



## kiyote

a guy, his first time sky diving,

He goes through the classes, then his first jump and as he falls, the parachute will not open
Then to his surprise he sees a man flying up from the ground.
He yells, Do you know anything about parachutes?
The other guy yells back, No, Do you know anything about gas grills?


----------



## kiyote

I've came up with a plan to solve world poverty 

and world hunger in one simple step. Feed the poor to the hungry.


----------



## kiyote

Had a good life...

i started out with nothing And i got most of it left


----------



## kiyote

Breaking news from the Hawaiian courts

Hawaiian Federal Judge rules Korean War must continue -- declares that Trump's peace attempts are unconstitutional.


----------



## kiyote

When a millennial asks why everyone
in old photos has red eyes I tell them they’re too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s


----------



## kiyote

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”


----------



## kiyote

I was in bed with this ******* girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...



....and boy was he mad.


----------



## kiyote

Ponder this: Plants may be farming us ....??

Think about it. They supply us with oxygen until we all die, then we decompose in the ground and feed them.


----------



## kiyote

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


----------



## kiyote

Obama claims to have visited all 57 States
Hillary claims she visited all 6


----------



## kiyote

no pleasing her...
My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...

so i came home with tampons...

i'm sleeping on the couch tonight


----------



## kiyote

What’s red and bad for your teeth? 

A brick


----------



## kiyote

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."


----------



## kiyote

Most people are shocked when they find out

how incompetent I am as an electrician.


----------



## kiyote

There was a homeless man

I was going to give a dollar to until I read the sign he was holding that read

"One day this could be you."

So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.


----------



## kiyote

Dear Abby.....

The other day while standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in her back yard. As I was knocking one out of the park, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?


----------



## kiyote

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"


----------



## kiyote

My dog swallowed the TV remote control.

So now I have to pat his stomach to get CNN, rub his neck to get FOX, stroke his back to get MSNBC... and I’ve decided to give up watching ESPN.


----------



## kiyote

Three men go fishing in a boat. The boat sinks and they all die. At the pearly gates St. Peter is waiting and says to the 3 men: "I'm going to ask each of you a single question and how you answer will determine what type of vehicle you will drive here in heaven." St. Peter asked the first man, "How mant times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only 3 times." St. Peter says, "Wrong, 7 times!" He gives the man a rusted out VW. He asked the second man. "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only twice" St.Peter says, "Wrong 3 times, but not too bad." He gives the man a Cutlass Supreme. Finally he asked the third man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only once and I told her right away and she forgave me." St. Peter says, "Your correct, very good." He gives the man a brand new Cadillac! They all get in there cars an go to a bar on the board walk. Looking out the window the man with the Cadillac begins to cry. The man with the rusted out VW says, "Why are you crying? Look a the junky car I got." The next man says "Really why are you crying? I got a Cutlass and you got a new Cadillac." The man with the Cadillac in tears says, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"


----------



## kiyote

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”

Mr. Smith says, “Give me a few days.”

The sheik asks, “To think it over?”

Mr. Smith says, “ no, To fatten her up!”


----------



## kiyote

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up. 

because they’re looking for ideas.


----------



## kiyote

OOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!







# me too


----------



## kiyote

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper ?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well…, sucks, that explains why no one was at church either….!"


----------



## kiyote

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa
and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"


----------



## kiyote

Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking of retiring, 

but he decided to stick it out for another year.


----------



## kiyote

If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a toothpaste four out of five of them recommend?


----------



## kiyote

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions


----------



## kiyote

Children in the back seat

cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.


----------



## kiyote

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.


----------



## kiyote

MANS BEST FRIEND


A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."


----------



## kiyote

EEZ FUNNY CUZ EET IZ TRUE







The next time you're on trial in court

remember, you're putting your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


----------



## kiyote

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”


----------



## kiyote

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses. 

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"


----------



## kiyote

.


----------



## kiyote

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to help with the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs, dropping her clothes along the way.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed around the corner of the house towards my car. There in the driveway, my fiancé and entire future family were standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!!!


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

* that's a good one for SURE :hot:*


----------



## Longhunter1750

The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


----------



## youngdon

Electric fence charger $85

Big wheel POS mower $250

This story PRICELESS


----------



## kiyote

My grandfather tried to warn them 

about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.


----------



## kiyote

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true," replied the woman, "But you have all the equipment."


----------



## kiyote

If Christians are so against gay people,

why is it after every prayer they say "Ahhh men"?


----------



## kiyote

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.











my girlfriend says a small penis is ok . I still wish she didn't have one though.


----------



## kiyote

A preacher on his deathbed...

summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, ”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.”
The old preacher stirred himself, wheezed, and said, ”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go, too.”


----------



## kiyote

You can only be young once.

But you can enjoy being infantile forever.


----------



## kiyote

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him."


----------



## kiyote

Now that my children are older they treat me like God.
They forget I exist, and only approach me when they need something.


----------



## kiyote

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."


----------



## kiyote

How is global warming reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.


----------



## kiyote

In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of course, being...throw in your wash.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said, "I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?"

"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."


----------



## kiyote

The teacher was giving her children a vocabulary

test.

" razmus,your word is 'benign'."

"Aww, that's easy, Miss. "It's what you be ,after you be eight."


----------



## kiyote

A masked man burst through the doors of the bank of Ireland in downtown Dublin, told everyone to get face down on the floor, then walked up to a teller, handed her a bag, and told her to fill it with all the money from the drawer. He took the full bag and headed for the door. Just then the Security guard reached over and pulled his mask off. The robber promptly shot him right in the face. He turned to look around and saw the teller staring at him with her mouth wide open. He calmly walked right up to her and shot her in the head. He then yelled out "alright, any of you other bleedin' idiots seen my face?",,,,
One old duffer raised his hand and said "I think me wife caught a glimpse"


----------



## kiyote

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? 

He wanted to get a long little doggie.


----------



## kiyote

A friend came over upset.

He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them


----------



## kiyote

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.


----------



## kiyote

Ever wonder why scuba divers sitting on the edge of a boat enter the water by falling backward?

If they fell forward they'd end up in the bottom of the boat!


----------



## kiyote

My buddy set me up on a blind date 

and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...


----------



## kiyote

..


----------



## kiyote

Two hillbillies go to an employment agency.

The first one goes in for an interview and the guy behind the desk asks him what kind of skills he has.

"I'm a wood cutter"
"Well we can off you you a job at $10.00 per hour"

The second guy goes in and the manager asks the same question.
"I'm a Pilot"

The manager is all exited and says "Excellent, we know an airline that is in need of your skills. We can offer you a job at $150.000 per year salary."

The two hillbillies chat about their experiences and the first one storms back in the office all upset. "Why do I get $10.00 per hour and he gets $150,000?"

"Well, your just a wood cutter and he's a pilot."

"I know... I cut the wood and he piles it."


----------



## kiyote

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."


----------



## kiyote

Remember there's room for all of God's creatures

on the plate next to the Beans and Mashed Potatoes.


----------



## kiyote

One day at the traffic light...

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''


----------



## kiyote

Caitlyn Jenner wants to become a super hero

but IT doesn’t know what group to join...
It's down to either Ex-men or a Trans-former


----------



## kiyote

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."


----------



## kiyote

I was on vacation fishing in Florida when I ran out of bait, I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth. I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.


----------



## kiyote

my dad just died because we couldn't remember his blood type.
to his dying breath he kept trying to console us, telling us to "B positive".
I am trying but it's going to be hard with him gone.


----------



## kiyote

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”


----------



## kiyote

..


----------



## kiyote

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes on a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the past 25 years. She goes on and on and on.

Finally the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish or play golf."


----------



## kiyote

Row v Wade 

Personally, I'd rather be in a boat, than getting my feet wet.


----------



## kiyote

How can a man tell if he's had a good time at a party?
By the look on his wife's face.


----------



## kiyote

I asked my wife: "What will you do if I die before you?"
She thought for a minute before replying: "I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women, maybe a little younger than me since I am still active for my age." What about you? What will you do if I die first?"
I said: "Probably the same."


----------



## kiyote

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever find his one true love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?"

The frog answers, "Let me hear the good news first."

The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."

"That great!" says the frog. "So what's the bad news?"

"Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."


----------



## knapper

A Dad joke: Why do hummingbirds hum: Because they don't know the words.


----------



## hassell

You're late today for my fix.


----------



## youngdon

Wrong guy !.......He missed the 8th and 9th...... I sure hope Kiyote isn't having fire issues.


----------



## hassell

Geez, time for a lay down.


----------



## youngdon

Hey, You earned it I'm sure.


----------



## knapper

There was a little old lady who had a couple of pet squirrles. She had named them and one day they both died, she was heart broken at their passing. She takes them to a Taxidurmest and said to him "I want these two squirrles stuffed." He asked "Do you want them mounted?" She thinks for a minute and says "No shaking hands will be fine."


----------



## youngdon

From a friend of mine......

Did you ever look at someone and think to yourself, Gee, that person has really had a hard life, I hope I never look that old ?

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

AS SOON AS I SAW HIM IN PERSON, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG!', HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, '1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SLOB

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

sorry guys , just got a new puter and having some glitches to work out.

seems that whatever the issue was with this site it has corrected itself. perhaps it wasn't my computer after all.

OR , could be one of those ,if you want something bad enough and your heart is pure ,miracles!


----------



## youngdon

Or maybe you faked the whole thing just to get a new computer ?


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Or maybe you faked the whole thing just to get a new computer ?


lol. naw ,I'm not that smart


----------



## kiyote

Marriage is like a public Porta-Potty.
Those waiting in line outside are desperate to get in.
Those that are inside, are desperate to get out


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> lol. naw ,I'm not that smart


Just what the guy smart enough to pull it off would say.......


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Just what the guy smart enough to pull it off would say.......


shhh....... yer killin me :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

Doctor tells guy he has a brain tumor and won't survive the night.

Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"

Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.

Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.

Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."


----------



## youngdon

That's cold..... but he probably is by now too.....


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> That's cold..... but he probably is by now too.....


can't really blame her , the best sex she ever got out of him was the night he was dying. think of all the nights she was forced to spend with him when he was healthy. surprised she stuck it out to the end. :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.

DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?

SON: At school (robot slaps son) ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!

DAD: Which one?

SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps son again). Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching porn, okay?

DAD: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps Dad)

MOM: laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The Robot slaps the mother...


----------



## kiyote

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands. He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island life is fantastic!" The local says, "I know what you mean! Take me for instance. When I came here I was totally bald, didn't have any teeth and I couldn't even walk...and look at me now!" The tourist looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How long have you been here?" And the local says, "Oh, I was born here.


----------



## kiyote

My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday


----------



## kiyote

Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go.


----------



## kiyote

Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?

A: So they can take bubble baths.


----------



## kiyote

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom.

"Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor.

"The vaccines caused it?"

"No, it's genetic."


----------



## kiyote

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"


----------



## kiyote

Q: What do Democrats and porn stars have in common?
A: They are both experts in switching positions in front of a camera


----------



## kiyote

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!


----------



## catcapper

I imagine the farmer had a big problem, since he kept call'in his cow a "him" or a "he"--------> :runforhills:

awprint:


----------



## youngdon

LMAO.... I'm gonna choose to not comment .....


----------



## kiyote

still....gotta be impressed. he did fill up a couple of buckets


----------



## kiyote

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.


----------



## kiyote

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman grabs the suspect and begins to interrogate him.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had a choice of crashing the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "

Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "

Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."


----------



## kiyote

not really a joke but somewhat comical nonetheless

Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot?

I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.

I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.

I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?

I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?

I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.

I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.

I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote


----------



## kiyote

I bought a sex robot that's so realistic

It won't have sex with me either


----------



## kiyote

did you hear about the democrat Antifa member who couldn't make the protest because he couldn't get out of work?
Ne neither.


----------



## kiyote

Employer - In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant - I'm the one you want.
On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible....


----------



## kiyote

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, Mom, down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. 
As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman


----------



## kiyote

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"


----------



## azpredatorhunter

kiyote, are you ok? Day 3 and no jokes? Just checking up on you...


----------



## kiyote

azpredatorhunter said:


> kiyote, are you ok? Day 3 and no jokes? Just checking up on you...


yeah ,all's well . just been working off the grid for awhile.

will pop in when able


----------



## kiyote

My wife told me that she used to be Christian.

"That's not a problem," I told her.
"Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now," she replied.


----------



## azpredatorhunter

Good deal ????... I didn't think you threw in the towel.


----------



## kiyote

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing he'd ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10...Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."


----------



## kiyote

13 discoveries of old age

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran flakes.

3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It's easier to get older than to get wiser.

8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

10. It's not hard to meet expenses-they're everywhere.

11. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

12. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

13. I am unable to remember if I have posted this before.

14 funny I don't remember being absent minded.


----------



## kiyote

The girls at the Catholic High School were ready to graduate. As they came up to receive their diplomas, the Mother Superior asked each of them what they would like to do with their lives from now on. The first girl, Mary, said she wanted to be a nurse. Mother Superior smiled and said that was a great choice, a way to help others. The second girl, Kathleen said she wanted to be a school teacher. Again Mother Superior smiled and told Kathleen that was also a wonderful choice, helping young people learn.

The third girl Molly, when asked what she wanted to do with her life, said "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior turned pale and fainted on the spot. When she was revived, she asked Molly again what she wanted to be and Molly replied again "I want to be a prostitute." Mother Superior took a deep breath and said, "Oh, thank God, I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!"


----------



## kiyote

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.


----------



## kiyote

*Two guys are chatting in a bar*

One says, "Did you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Damn!", says his friend. "And i just joined the Elks."


----------



## kiyote

*Anytime you're feeling down about your job...*

... just remember it could always be worse. After all, someone is Hillary Clinton's gynecologist.

lord ,forgive me! that image should not be placed in anyones brain


----------



## kiyote

*Dad, are we a family of pyromaniacs?*

Yes, yes we arson


----------



## kiyote

*Footprints on the Moon*

Those horrible footprints on the Moon must be erased.
After all they were made by white men whose ancestors may have owned slaves.


----------



## kiyote

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you dumb jackass."


----------



## kiyote

My wife said, "Whisper dirty things into my ear."
I said, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room...................................."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*HA ha ha!!!!!--------------Good one KI!!!!!!!*


----------



## kiyote

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."


----------



## kiyote

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."

Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice "dad?"

The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"


----------



## kiyote

A boy was walking up the street carrying a jar containing clear liquid when a priest from a nearby church asked, "What do have there son".
The boy replied "The most powerful liquid in the world".
So the priest asks "What might that liquid be?"
The boy answers "Turpentine".
The priest says "Turpentine is strong but I have Holy Water and that's even stronger".
So the boy askes the priest to prove it.
The priest says " If I rub some of the Holy Water on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
And the boy counters with "Yah but if I rub Turpentine on a cat's butthole, it'll pass a motorcycle".


----------



## azpredatorhunter

Lmao kiyote...


----------



## kiyote

If you want to find out who loves you more, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

Open it and see who is happy to see you.


----------



## kiyote

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*YUP!!!!!! THAT TRUNK TEST SURE DOES WORK HA HA HA* :biggrin:


----------



## youngdon

Deb didn't think it was funny at all. I apparently did according to the look I was getting.

( I really did. Chuckled my butt off as she read it. )


----------



## kiyote

Why does the bride always wear white? 
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.


----------



## kiyote

boy seeking mr . potatohead

Boy complains to his father, you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing !

Father:really what?

Boy:That the potato should go in the front!


----------



## kiyote

Asked my mexican friend If they had their own version of martial arts in Mexico. He said they did and it is called Mexican Judo. I asked how is it different from other versions of judo. He said judo know if I have a knife, judo know if I have a gun.


----------



## kiyote

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years. It had a large pond in the back that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while, and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices and laughter. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond. He said "Hi there." trying not to scare them but make them aware of his presence.

Squealing, they all swam over to the deep end and one of the women yelled at him "We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave." The old man frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny dip or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up, he said "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Some dirty old men can still think pretty fast&#8230;


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

Ha Ha Good one KIYOTE


----------



## kiyote

Sex is like math...

Add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply


----------



## kiyote

Did you hear about the young streaker who ran naked through the church?
The priest caught him by the organ.


----------



## kiyote

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth,

I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

my wife and I have been getting along great.

I think it's just a big misunderstanding.


----------



## kiyote

The other day I found a mouse in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him


----------



## youngdon

So how did he fit in both of them ?


----------



## kiyote

I got lil girly feet.


----------



## kiyote

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


----------



## kiyote

I once farted in an Apple store and everyone got angry.........

it's not my fault they don't have Windows


----------



## youngdon

https://i.imgur.com/wSoQuPk.gif


----------



## kiyote

after a five year government funded study,Scientists have just revealed what they believe to be the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels.


----------



## kiyote

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife angrily says "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce's and Ferrari's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her "That's his mistress." She quips "Well, ours is prettier."&#8230;


----------



## kiyote

Two friends are talking...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied this afternoon while I... go do the thing?"

His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's a sin he's agreed to help to commit. He goes to pastor and starts asking all sorts of random questions. He tries and tries, but pastor happens to be a wise man who sees that Bill is not sincere.

So, after sweating a bit, Bill confesses. That yes, he's just delaying the pastor from going home because his friend John is bedding pastor's wife.

Pastor scratches his head a bit. Doesn't even get angry.

"Bill," he says, "my wife's been dead for two years. There's no reason to keep me occupied... But if I were you, I'd run home really quick right now...!"


----------



## kiyote

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face." "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on." "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it." "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky


----------



## kiyote

*The three unwritten rules!*

1.

2.

3.


----------



## youngdon

lol.... Those can be applied to every aspect of life.


----------



## kiyote

One day on the farm...

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> lol.... Those can be applied to every aspect of life.


I have a tough time with # 3


----------



## kiyote

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper chuckled and said "By all means be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills it and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more dead gators. As the shopkeeper watches in amazement, the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouts out "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"&#8230;


----------



## kiyote

I went for a Job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."


----------



## kiyote

n old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniel After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...


----------



## youngdon

I won't tell you what my wife said.....


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> I won't tell you what my wife said.....


was it," will you explain that to me?" :mrgreen: :runforhills:


----------



## kiyote

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew his Dad had done very well with the business and that he was going to inherit a large sum when his sick father died, so he decided he wanted a trophy wife to go with his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I'll inherit his large fortune."

Impressed, the woman took his card and three months later, she became Joe's stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men&#8230;


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*I WOULDN'T TELL DEBBY THE REPLAY DON :help:** ---------LOL*


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> was it," will you explain that to me?" :mrgreen: :runforhills:


LOL I'm not gonna show this to her.


----------



## kiyote

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: "My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!"

Psychiatrist: "Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part."


----------



## kiyote

A man goes to see a wizard and says,

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Possibly..." says the wizard, "Do you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies,

"I pronounce you man and wife."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*Better not show this one to your WIFE DON--LOL*


----------



## youngdon

Yeah she might go see the wizard, then I'd be in a world of hurt


----------



## kiyote

this weekend my sister -in law was saying my brother should pay her for all the work she does around the house.

I told her " that's funny , every time I see him ,all he does is tell me how he pays,and pays and pays.

chuckle ,,,, she give me the stink eye.


----------



## kiyote

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


----------



## kiyote

I pissed off two people by calling them hipsters

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.


----------



## kiyote

Only in Minnesota!

I was driving down the freeway when I hit a seagull. SPLAT and it flew up over my car and plastered all over the front of the Highway Patrol Cruiser behind me.
OH SHIT!
Right away he lit me up, so I pulled over. He came up and asked for my license and I asked him what I had done. Was I speeding? Had I drifted lanes when I struck the seagull?
"No". he replied. "I'm ticketing you for flipping me the bird"


----------



## kiyote

How to tell when you get really old

you buy two cases of beer and instead of getting carded,
they ask, "you need help with that to your car."


----------



## kiyote

My wife said the spark in our marriage is gone.

So I tazed her.


----------



## kiyote

I was in a taxi today and the driver said ,"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said "Turn left"


----------



## sneakygroundbuzzard

kiyote, where do you get all of these

some are lame,most are funny and some make me laugh out loud and then i read them to my wife

who then also laughs out loud and shakes her head.


----------



## kiyote

some I hear at work , some from browsing the net, some at hunting camp.

I know some are a wee lame but it's not always easy when you are trying to keep em family friendly. the goal is to always bring a smile to someones day.


----------



## murphyranch

If this was R rated I could make some of you slip a rib out of place laughing. I have 2 guys I grew up with, attended college with and now we are back home within 10 mikes of each other that send me texts almost every morning that are so wrong on many different levels. Some are literally pull over to the side of the road and stop before I cause a wreck and reread it again type.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## youngdon

That's what PM's are for.


----------



## kiyote

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says "You are."


----------



## sneakygroundbuzzard

kiyote said:


> some I hear at work , some from browsing the net, some at hunting camp.
> 
> I know some are a wee lame but it's not always easy when you are trying to keep em family friendly. the goal is to always bring a smile to someones day.


even the lame ones bring a smile to my face,sometimes a lame joke is just as funny as a good joke


----------



## murphyranch

My girlfriend is putting on a bunch of weight, in fact she's so fat that wife's clothes will fit her.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

Lol


----------



## kiyote

On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife: "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish." 
"What is it?" she asked. 
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door." 
"But I thought you hated Ken," she said. 
"I do," said the husband.


----------



## kiyote

Outside a Glasgow police station was a poster: "Man Wanted For Murder."
Over 100 Scotsmen applied for the job.


----------



## kiyote

*My wife is such a slob.....*

every time I go to piss in the sink it is full of dirty dishes.


----------



## youngdon

gross


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> gross


yeah, I can't stand dirty dishes. :wink:


----------



## youngdon

I hear that. My wife told me she had an excuse because the dishwasher was broke. So I gave her $5.00


----------



## kiyote

There was an army lieutenant who had a squad of new recruits. He picked up a woman one night and went home with her. The next day, as she dropped him off at the base, he suggested introducing her to his squad. She didn't want to, but he insisted. Years later, the lieutenant was about to be promoted to full colonel, but during the confirmation he was suddenly denied it. It seems that the woman from the bar had lodged a complaint. Her accusation: he had shown her his privates against her will. #metoo strikes again!


----------



## kiyote

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


----------



## kiyote

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!


----------



## kiyote

Debbie's husband Morty has been in the hospital with a terminal disease for months, but she had remained at his bedside day and night.

One evening, Morty wakes up and signals for his wife to come closer.

"Debbie," he says, "you've always been with me through so many hard times. When I flunked out of college, you stood by my side. When I was fired from my job, you were there to comfort me. When I started my own business and it failed, you were right there with me. When I had that awful skiing accident, you were there. When I got desperately sick you were still there."

"You know what honey?", he continued, "I think you're bad luck!"


----------



## kiyote

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team 
. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. 
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. 
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" 
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. 
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" 
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."


----------



## kiyote

Is it just me, or does that ford chick look like Garth from "Waynes World'


----------



## youngdon

I'd comment with an "lol" but that would ruin my chances of getting on the Supreme Court, or holding any sort of political position. So "meh" would have to be my official reply.


----------



## kiyote

Why do Mexicans not like to travel on interstates in the midwest?

Signs are everywhere that read "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE"


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

kiyote said:


> Why do Mexicans not like to travel on interstates in the midwest?
> 
> Signs are everywhere that read "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE"


*LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


----------



## kiyote

My wife was in the kitchen this morning cooking me bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns and toast when I suddenly heard a loud 'thud.' Running in, I found her lying on the floor & not breathing. I was in a frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Denny's has the Grand Slam for $3.99.


----------



## murphyranch

Two old men, Bill and Fred were talking about how the younger generation acts. Bill says "when I was young I never screwed my wife until we were married. Did you Fred?" Fred says " I don't know Bill, what was her name?"

Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## murphyranch

An old couple were sitting on the couch when the woman said, Honey what would you do if I started smoking? The old husband said, well dear I'd probably slow down.

Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

A man tells his Priest "I have a strong desire to live for all eternity. What should I do?"

"Get married" said the Priest.
"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" He said.

The Priest replied, "No, but the desire will disappear"


----------



## kiyote

what's the difference between a baby and a liberal

The baby quits crying after a few years

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
a quarter pounder with cheese


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> what's the difference between a baby and a liberal​
> The baby quits crying after a few years​
> what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
> a quarter pounder with cheese​


I gagged a little on that one

Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Man on honeymoon killed by shark

The good news is that he didn't suffer much, as he had only been married 2 days.


----------



## youngdon

All three toilets were stolen from the local police department. At this time they have nothing to go on.


----------



## kiyote

*It was the first day of the school year, and*

an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."


----------



## kiyote

A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. 
The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." 
He said, "I wish I were smarter". 
So the genie made him a Republican.


----------



## kiyote

improbable book titles

The Yellow River by I.P. Daly

My Life as a Lion Tamer by Claud Badly

The Cellophane Kimono by Seymour Bush

The Cream of the Russian Army by Iben Yerkinov

The Broken Door by U.N. Hinged

line in the sand by peter dragun


----------



## kiyote

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. "Thank you for flying with us. The weather is...." 
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!" 
Then silence. 
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, "I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!" 
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, "Why don't you come here and see OURS!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> improbable book titles​
> The Yellow River by I.P. Daly​
> My Life as a Lion Tamer by Claud Badly​
> The Cellophane Kimono by Seymour Bush​
> The Cream of the Russian Army by Iben Yerkinov​
> The Broken Door by U.N. Hinged​
> line in the sand by peter dragun​


 Antlers in the treetops by Hoo Goosed the Moose

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Went walking the dogs the other day
day and some bloke says to me "are they Jack Russells?"
I said: "No mate, they're mine."


----------



## kiyote

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> improbable book titles
> 
> The Yellow River by I.P. Daly
> 
> My Life as a Lion Tamer by Claud Badly
> 
> The Cellophane Kimono by Seymour Bush
> 
> The Cream of the Russian Army by Iben Yerkinov
> 
> The Broken Door by U.N. Hinged
> 
> line in the sand by peter dragun





murphyranch said:


> Antlers in the treetops by Hoo Goosed the Moose
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butz


----------



## kiyote

*Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?*

Too Mennonite.


----------



## kiyote

............


----------



## murphyranch

.























Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

My wife came home with 4 bottles of whisky,6 boxes of wine, 3 cases of beer and 2 loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting company?" I asked.
"No," she replied. 
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"


----------



## kiyote

As I started to unload my seriously full shopping cart at the register, I noticed a sweet little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk. 
"Is that all you've got?" I asked. 
"Yes," she smiled. 
"Well," I replied, "You'd better find another line, I'm going to be awhile."


----------



## kiyote

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."


----------



## kiyote

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods...

and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.


----------



## kiyote

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a 710 cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a 710 cap?" 
She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." 
What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun 710, but no, she said it's a Pontiac. 
"OK lady, how big is it?" 
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. What does it do?," we asked. 
She said, "I don't know, but it's always been there." 
We gave her a note pad and asked if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes '710.'


----------



## kiyote

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They want the money to buy booze.
2. I want the money to buy booze


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a 710 cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a 710 cap?"
> She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
> What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun 710, but no, she said it's a Pontiac.
> "OK lady, how big is it?"
> She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. What does it do?," we asked.
> She said, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
> We gave her a note pad and asked if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes '710.'


HAHAHA ! I think I was married to her at one time. Whew ! I dodged that bullet !


----------



## kiyote

the uglies of the #metoo movement have broken off to start their own movement.

please show your support for #mefirst.


----------



## fr3db3ar

2 rules for hunting and fishing.

Rule one: never give out all the information
Rule two:

Sent from my SM-T817V using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town

out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the general store, so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, "Come on over, Ma'am, sit yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a drink.

"Thank you kindly, Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't," replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread."

The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!"


----------



## kiyote

My ex girlfriend recently became a world famous porn star.

She's gonna be really angry when she finds out.


----------



## kiyote

Can't believe how much doctors lie....

Last year I went to hospital to get a vasectomy to stop my wife getting pregnant but it turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.


----------



## kiyote




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## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Priorities...*

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY BMW'S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.

"HA!" the policeman replied. "You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: "MY ROLEX!!"


----------



## kiyote

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers", especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*If I pulled the pin from a grenade,*

how long does it take to expl


----------



## akiceman25

From a public restroom









Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

akiceman25 said:


> From a public restroom
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


*NOW THAT THERE'S FUNNY*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. It's called 'letter rip'.


----------



## kiyote

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week." The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, "Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month." The old man looks at the frog and says, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog


----------



## kiyote

*If we aren't supposed to eat animals,*

why are they made of meat?


----------



## kiyote

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how I did that.

I didn't even know it was her birthday&#8230;


----------



## kiyote

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said "Thanks for the lift, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I said "what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time?"


----------



## kiyote

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."


----------



## kiyote

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
> 
> The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
> 
> Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
> 
> One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
> 
> Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
> 
> "Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
> 
> "Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."​​


Sometimes it's more enjoyable with a cart !


----------



## kiyote

Why are ******* murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.


----------



## kiyote

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

The young bride on their wedding night demanded

$20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"


----------



## kiyote

dems took the house.

now we can return to civility. hee,hee.


----------



## kiyote

While teaching a class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."


----------



## youngdon

Little Johnny.... hahaha


----------



## kiyote

Nancy Pelosi stated today that her dementia prognosis will in no way interfere with the impeachment of Donald bush jr.


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

*1976 japanese sport telecaster interviews gold*

medalist Bruce Jenner ... which he pronounced his name as Loose Gender .... he may have been on to something.


----------



## kiyote

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...


----------



## kiyote

*Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom....*

using the urinal.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicabate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says....'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies....'It's working just fine... I'm down to two butts a day.'


----------



## kiyote

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm 
in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. 
Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. 
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, 
"Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you 
this bad news in person instead of by letter." 
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?" 
The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, 
we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually 
in Wisconsin!" 
Ole looked at Lea and said, "That's the best news 
I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning 
that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."


----------



## kiyote

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. 
She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" 
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!


----------



## kiyote

*Is this religious or political?*

"Heaven has a wall and strict immigration policies, Hell has open borders."


----------



## kiyote

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."


----------



## kiyote

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather,

peacefully, in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car.


----------



## kiyote

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you."

Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."


----------



## kiyote

Sex Is Like A Gas Station

Sometimes You Get Full Service

Sometime You Have To Ask For Service

And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy

With Self Service


----------



## kiyote

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.


----------



## kiyote

She hurried to
the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found
an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said:

"I don't know
how to use this."

She bowed her head
and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes
a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his
cycle and asked if he could help.

She said:

"Yes, my daughter
is sick. I've locked my keys in my car I must get home.
Please, can
you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said,
"Sure."

He walked over
to the car, and in less than a minute.The car was open.

She hugged the
man and through tears said:

"Thank You,
God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her
little prayer and replied :

"Lady, I am
NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.."

The woman hugged
the man again, sobbing,

"Oh, thank
you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is
GOD great or what? HE will take the bad and use it for a good outcome!

thank you Lord for the many blessings I have received!!

HAPPY THANSGIVING ALL


----------



## kiyote

I thought I was a little too drunk last night.

I cooked my pizza for 375 minutes at 18 degrees.


----------



## kiyote

CARSON classic

Winnie Palmer, wife of Arnold, was seated on the couch, next to her husband 
Arnold, who was a headline guest on The Tonight Show. Arnie had just won a 
big tournament. I have no idea which one, but I would guess it was probably 
The Masters or a US Open, since talk shows don't make it a habit of inviting 
golfers to be guests except right after a big event for which there was 
national interest. Although back in those days (the early '60s), Arnie was 
such a media darling, it could have been just about any time.

Anyway, Johnny turned to Winnie and asked her if she had any superstitions 
before her husband played in a big tournament.

Winnie replied, "I kiss his balls."

Well, the audience erupted in laughter, and as Johnny did his usual facial 
expressions, it just fed the laughter further. The laughter seemed to go on 
for a minute or two. The Palmers squirmed uncomfortably.

And then Johnny made a crack about Arnie's putter. The way I remember it 
(which could be wrong), it was something like, "I'll bet that made his putter flutter!"

Another 2-3 minutes of laughter.

The Palmers weren't so amused, and they sued Carson (for defamation of 
character, I believe), the outcome of which I have no idea about (although 
it's unlikely they would have won such a suit, since malicious intent must 
be proven).

But it was classic Carson.


----------



## youngdon

One of the many cable channels I get plays the tonight show with Johnny. I’d rather watch him any day than Colbert or kimmel and their nonstop berating of our president.


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> One of the many cable channels I get plays the tonight show with Johnny. I'd rather watch him any day than Colbert or kimmel and their nonstop berating of our president.


x2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

*How to cook a turkey with ease*

Step 1. Buy a turkey

Step 2. Have a glass of wine

Step 3. Stuff turkey

Step 4. Have a glass of wine

Step 5. Put turkey in oven

Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine

Step 7. Turk the bastey

Step 8. Wine of glass another get

Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer

Step 10. Glass yourself another pour of wine

Step 11. Bake the wine for 4 hours

Step 12. Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 13. Tet the sable

Step 14. Gran another wottle of bine

Step 15. Turk the carvey!


----------



## kiyote

*Last night I almost had a 3 some...*

Only needed 2 more people...


----------



## murphyranch

What do you get when cross a ratt terrier a shovel and a chile pepper? A hotdiggity dog.

Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

what do ou get if you cross an elephant with a rino?

eliphino


----------



## kiyote

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."


----------



## youngdon

That was funny.


----------



## kiyote

crushingly.


----------



## kiyote

no doubt ,I want to know where this hotel is!!!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he proceeds to walk towards the front desk, his elbow accidentally hits a woman's breast. The man tells the lady in a shaky voice, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." The lady replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no. 1221.


----------



## kiyote

I was in in the public restroom and I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall.

Stall: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: (embarrassed) "Doing fine!"

Stall: "So what are you up to?"

Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

Stall: "Can I come over?"

Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"

Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!


----------



## kiyote

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."


----------



## kiyote

*A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist*

and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."


----------



## kiyote

Scientists recently discovered that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.


----------



## kiyote

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


----------



## kiyote

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"


----------



## kiyote

one day a florist went to a barber

for a hair cut when done asked for the bill
the barber replied no charge
I`m Doing Community Service This Week
the florist was pleased and left the shop
the next morning was a thank you note plus dozen roses waiting
later a police officer enters for a cut,
the barber again refuses payment as he`s doing his community service
the cop thanks leaves
as before next morning opening shop is a card and dozen donuts
then a congressman comes in for a cut
asking about the bill the barber says he cannot accept
payment as he`s doing community service, the congressman very happy leaves
next morning upon opening shop waiting were a dozen congressmen


----------



## kiyote

Procrastinators unite................tomorrow.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
My mother always said: "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said,"oh yeah...................just you wait."


----------



## kiyote

Procrastinators unite................tomorrow.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
My mother always said: "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said,"oh yeah...................just you wait."


----------



## kiyote

Since some folks have decided that "Baby it's Cold Outside" should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity　

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you're sleeping? Knows when you're awake? Peeping Tom stalker　

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!


----------



## youngdon

It's odd that every thing is offensive today, when just a few years ago 50 shades of Grey was the #1 selling book and the movie made millions


----------



## kiyote

we can thank the " pound me too " movement for some of that.

women who say, "pound me too" and then say, "NO", are offensive to me . it is imperative that they be banned from doing so!

it's no wonder men get confused!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

My psychiatrist uses shock treatment.
He gives me the bill in advance.

One time, I thought I had turned into a can of deodorant. But I wasn't Sure.

My psychiatrist has helped me a lot. Before, I was afraid to answer the phone. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

For my birthday, my psychiatrist sent me a bag of fruit. It came shrink-wrapped.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.

Psychiatrist to nurse: "Just say we're very busy." Don't keep saying, "It's a madhouse in here


----------



## kiyote

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
Per year are
120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is
80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner is
.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends
to this
alarming threat.

We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


----------



## kiyote

kinda dumb but always cheers me up.


----------



## kiyote

You can tell a lot about a woman by her shoes.

For example, if her shoes are behind her ears, that means she likes you!


----------



## kiyote

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra, 
but accidentally drank from a bottle of Wite-out. This morning I woke up with a huge correction.

A boarding house in town blew up yesterday. Roomers are still flying.

"What do you mean I was lucky?" asked the woman, after being hit by a bicycle. The cyclist replied: "I usually drive a bus."

Our grandson didn't tell us why he'd been eating glue. His lips were sealed.

The other day I got hit on the head with a soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall..................and a pretty good summer and spring too.


----------



## azpredatorhunter

A guy goes into a doctors office totally naked and wrapped from head to toe in cellophane, and asked the doctor if he knows what's wrong with him. The doctor looked at him and said; I don't know but I can completely see your nuts.

Hope I got that right


----------



## kiyote

azpredatorhunter said:


> A guy goes into a doctors office totally naked and wrapped from head to toe in cellophane, and asked the doctor if he knows what's wrong with him. The doctor looked at him and said; I don't know but I can completely see your nuts.
> 
> Hope I got that right


reminds me of visiting me dah after every surgery he ever had .

there are some things no one should ever have to see


----------



## kiyote

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Hey Mitt! What'll ya have?"


----------



## kiyote

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, please send me your mother."


----------



## kiyote

Two brothers are running a farm.

One day the first brother walks into the barn and notices his brother at the back of the barn dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother quickly puts his shirt back on and says...

I went to the doctors because me and the Mrs. were having marital problems and the doctor told me to do something sexy to attract her.


----------



## kiyote

********

went to the store to stock up on beer today.
when going through checkout ,the cashier asked me," you got any I D ?"

I answered , " bout what?"


----------



## kiyote

*An elderly couple is vacationing in Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"*


----------



## kiyote

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, ...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"


----------



## kiyote

THE WORLDS all time greatest jokes...&#8230;.

democrats who claim to hate liberals!


----------



## kiyote

*Whiskey is a great drink.*

It makes you see double and feel single.


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *Whiskey is a great drink.* ​
> It makes you see double and feel single.​​


Lol... it's caused many to actually become single and others to become a pair. At least for a bit in the latter case.


----------



## kiyote

50 % of humanity is undatable without whiskey.

the banning of whiskey would go a long ways toward the removal of ugglies from the population.

since I am one o da uggs ,

bottoms up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

tis the season

I am a giving person. I just love to give and give and give some more.

My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.

They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the "old fashioned way" as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.


----------



## fr3db3ar

that's good because apparently you would have owed them child support.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

two men visit a house of ill repute.

1st one goes in, does his thang . comes out and says, " what a disappointment. my wife is better."

2nd man goes in, does his thang , comes out and says," you know ? you are right .your wife is better!"


----------



## kiyote

I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing...

seems she lied to me. but I forgive her.


----------



## kiyote

Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Told my mom that my girlfriend has a learning/mental disability...

Humor, it goes a very long way...

DONT WORRY, their all plotting against me so its all good, theyre better friends because I introduced them through humor...


----------



## kiyote

if you go to walmart and don't notice all the wierdo shoppers , chances are good you are one of them.


----------



## kiyote

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?"


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*THAT WAS A LONG READ FOR SUCH A SAD ENDING---- :hot: :teeth: :frown2:*


----------



## kiyote

everones a critic! :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

If a boy scout falls in the woods, and there's no

one around to see it.....................is it still funny as hell?

when I was a boy scout , I couldn't wait to eat a brownie.


----------



## kiyote

There are so many scams on the internet these days.

Send me $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them


----------



## kiyote

Q: What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? 
A: Homeless.


----------



## kiyote

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


----------



## kiyote

A priest and a hindu are making some toast.
Suddenly the priest exclaims, "Look, there is an image of Jesus in my margarine!"
The Hindu says "I can't believe it's not buddha!!!"


----------



## kiyote

A cop pulled me over on the road; I was speeding. He said: "Papers.". I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away."

Escaped Convict An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."


----------



## kiyote

My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive. 
if that's okay with you guys?


----------



## kiyote

Hello Friends,

I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Barack Obama, who never told the truth, because frankly, Hillary never could tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on someone else's money, magnificent to say the least.

We will be contacting you shortly to discuss your donation.

Thank You,

The Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

PS: The Committee has raised $32.16 so far. Actually, someone did donate $1,000,000 but did it thru the Clinton Foundation. The Foundation sent the $32.16 on to us with the Clinton Foundation keeping the balance for "administrative costs."


----------



## kiyote

Erectile dysfunction is something that needs to be addressed more seriously. 
The problem is rising.

My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month. 
I said, "Sure. My door is always open."

I was in a bar last night and ordered a rum and coke . 
bartender asked," is pepsi ok?" sure", I answered. 
he came back ,set down my drink and said ," here's your pepsi and coke. that will be 12.95."


----------



## kiyote

Liberal: Turn in you guns to stop gun violence. 
Me: Cut off your penis to stop rape. 
Liberal: I'm not going to rape anyone. 
Me: Exactly


----------



## kiyote

Three statisticians go out hunting together. 
After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. 
The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. 
The second aims and undershoots. 
The third shouts out "We got him!!!"


----------



## kiyote

PRIEST'S RETIREMENT SPEECH

You need to go to Confession to appreciate this story
Make sure you live by the last line!

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity, and gave VD to his sister-in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"
said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never be late!


----------



## kiyote

Proof FOR purchase

A little lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three
cans, but was told by the clerk, " Sorry, but
we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat.
Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management
wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
The lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat
food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was
again told she couldn't buy them without proof. The
lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food.

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and
asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier
said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that
would harm her. The cashier put her finger into the box,
quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells
like crap!"

The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of
toilet paper."


----------



## kiyote

It's kind of annoying, my wife said
something about 'glistening' but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.


----------



## kiyote

I think I upset him!! I call him cujo.


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*NICE MOUNT!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a few of those over the years when I did Taxidermy---One was a mule deer buck if I remember right it went to Co ------------This Big Boy sure could Raise H$$L with the coyotes LOL-------Thanks for sharing this Beauty*


----------



## kiyote

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.

If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? 
Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!


----------



## kiyote

*You're A ******* When...*

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


----------



## kiyote

although a universal truth

*Confucius did not say..*

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

nor did He say...&#8230;

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.


----------



## kiyote

A husband and wife were out golfing when
suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."


----------



## kiyote

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.


----------



## kiyote

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoonon my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the
bicycle,the bottle would break,
so I drank all the Scotch before I rode home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because
I fell off my bicycle several times on my way home


----------



## kiyote

A man is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. 
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. 
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail." 
The man turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"


----------



## kiyote

Blonde astronaut's last words:

Who farted? I have to open the window.


----------



## kiyote

An Uber driver said to the teen passenger

"What a coincidence, you're the second pregnant girl I've driven home tonight." "I'm not pregnant," she laughed. "You're not home yet," he replied.


----------



## kiyote

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"


----------



## kiyote

A farmer drove over to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your mom or dad home?" The farmer asked the boy

"No, they went in to town." The boy replied

"Well, how about your brother Howard?" The farmer asked

"No, he went with mom and dad." The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

"I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you."

"Well," The farmer said uncomfortably "I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment then said

"You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.


----------



## kiyote

I think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


----------



## kiyote

Tommy and Margaret are out on their first date.
Tommy decides to take her to the County Fair. Margaret is being very quiet so Tommy takes her on a few rides and asks "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get weighed." replies Margaret.
So they go to the guess-your-weight booth and BAM, the guy's right on the money.
So they go on a few more rides and Tommy says "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get WEIGHED" came her reply.
"Odd" thought Tommy. But he took her straight to the guess-your-weight booth, and again BAM he was right on the money.
Tommy took her on one more ride and when they got off, Margaret put her hands on her hips. "I wanna get weighed!"
"This is BULLSHIT" Tommy screamed. "Find your own way home" And he left.

When Margaret finally got home her mother asked her, "How was your date, dear?"
Margaret threw her purse on the couch. "WOWSY!"


----------



## kiyote

Confucius he say&#8230; Foolish man give wife grand piano.

Wise man give wife upright organ.


----------



## kiyote

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long, frilly, white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a DEMOCRAT ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."


----------



## kiyote

What if... 
Trump fined everyone who was opposed to the wall?

You Know, like Obama did with Obamacare.


----------



## kiyote

not really funny but...&#8230;&#8230;

Let me splain it to you like this

My house was broken into yesterday while I was at work. Don't worry, Kenny is ok.

Fortunately, the alarm told me and the San Francicso police apprehended a man with his 10 year old daughter ransacking the house.

The bad news is, my neighbors took a vote and decided the girl was innocent and only there because her dad brought her. Now, I have to give her a room, feed her and pay for her to go to school. Worse yet, since she would be abandoned if her dad goes to jail, he's been found innocent and I have to let him stay with the girl and feed him too.

If you think this sounds unfair, then you understand DACA.


----------



## kiyote

*Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."*


----------



## kiyote

*R.I.P.*

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased container. Dozens of celebrities turned
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Raisins,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was
piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered
a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane
Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## kiyote

inionWent for a prostate exam,

doctor gave me a thumbs up.

I wasn't tense about the thing, as he rested one hand on my shoulder.
I became concerned when he put the other hand on my other shoulder.

All things considered, I think they should have waived the co-pay.

might be time to consider a new doctor but I really don't want a second opinion


----------



## kiyote

*My dog has been waiting outside in front of the*

snowman for over an hour, waiting for it to throw one of the twigs.


----------



## kiyote

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.


----------



## kiyote

My wife was shocked when she discovered I converted her vibrator into a taser.

93 % of people in Detroit have had shower sex .

the other 7 % had never been to jail.


----------



## kiyote

It was so cold today
That the democrats kept their hands in their own pockets.


----------



## kiyote

*I suddenly realized*

that I've never had an epiphany


----------



## kiyote

had a dog Dog that wouldn't stop chasing cars so I sent him sent to obediance school,

He kept on chasing cars, so I sent him to law school, now he only chases ambulances.


----------



## kiyote

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"


----------



## kiyote

It's been so cold in the Midwest......

Flashers are refusing to open their trenchcoats. They just walk up to women and describe themselves


----------



## kiyote

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat!

It was obvious that she thought her cat understood her.

I came home and told my dog... We laughed a lot.


----------



## knapper

Was your dog laughing with you or at you? I have found that most dogs don't get the jokes.


----------



## kiyote

at me .he's got a mean side.


----------



## kiyote

lol.and libs clamor for trump to be impeached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's Hillary's "short" list.

Was it the Russian Uranium Deal?
Was it Wikileaks?
Was it Podesta?
Was it Comey?
Was it having a sexual predator as a husband?
Was it Huma Abedin's sexual predator husband Anthony Weiner?
Was it because the Clinton Foundation ripped off Haiti?
Was it subpoena violations?
Was it the congressional testimony lies?
Was it the corrupt Clinton Foundation?
Was it the Benghazi butchering?
Was it pay for play?
Was it being recorded laughing because she got a child rapist off when she was an attorney?
Was it the Travel Gate scandal?
Was it the Whitewater scandal?
Was it the Cattle Gate scandal?
Was it the Trooper Gate scandal?

OR....

Was it the the $15 million for Chelsea's apartment bought with foundation money?
Or her husband's interference with Loretta Lynch & the investigation?
Or having debate questions stolen & given to her?
Or her own secret server in her house?
Or deleting 30,000 emails?
Or having cell phones destroyed with hammers? 
Was it the Seth Rich murder?
Was it the Vince Foster murder?
Was it the Gennifer Flowers assault & settlement?
Was it the $800,000 Paula Jones settlement?
Was it calling half the United States deplorable?
Was it the underhanded treatment of Bernie Sanders?
Was it Bill's impeachment?
Was it the lie about being under sniper fire in Bosnia?
Was it the $10 million she took for the pardon of Marc Rich?
Or the $6 BILLION she "lost" when in charge of the State Dept.?
Or because she is a hateful, lying, power hungry, overly ambitious, greedy, nasty person?

a true testament to the left! all this and she is still considering another run!


----------



## youngdon

ALL THE ABOVE.


----------



## kiyote

2 things that never grow old, dark humour and

aborted children.


----------



## kiyote

could the Emperor have saved a bundle in Death Star insurance if he had switched to Geicho?


----------



## kiyote

SOTU

I haven't seen so many democrats in white since they started the KKK!!


----------



## kiyote

*Southern California Math Test*

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH
PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL.

NAME______________________________

GANG NAME_________________________

1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?

3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??**

6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint?

7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week's salary?

9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?


----------



## knapper

#9 on the extra credit means joe is a very good shot unless he is using a rifle.


----------



## kiyote

A.O. Cortez Is still running around the Capital looking for Phil A. Busters office.

She says she wants to be on the appropriations committee because she understands when something is appropriate.

She says we shouldn't just teach Civics in schools, we should teach about all automobiles.

When they delivered a new TV to her office and read on the box," built-in antenna." she asked the delivery person if "antenna" was a city in China.

When asked of her choice for speaker of the house she said Bose.

She says she supports veterans because they help pets.

She wore a sleeveless shirt at a meeting to support her right to bare arms.

She wanted a trade embargo on Romania because of tainted romaine lettuce.

She wanted to know how much tuition is at the Electoral College.

When asked if she knew the Capital of Texas she said "T".


----------



## kiyote

knapper said:


> #9 on the extra credit means joe is a very good shot unless he is using a rifle.


he's well in range if they use common core math.


----------



## kiyote

you know , the funny thing is, this argument would probably win in a court of law today!
it is most certainly the type argument that wins the popular vote!!!!!!!!!!!!(GOD bless the electoral college!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The sign said clothes were 50% off. 
But every woman in there was fully dressed. That's false advertising!


----------



## kiyote

2020 VOTERS






maybe we need to start a horror thread.


----------



## kiyote

Nothing scares a gynecologist like a patient who's a ventriloquist.

I gave the wife a dildo for our anniversary.
it's not her favorite gift but it's way up there.


----------



## kiyote

A Snow plow truck was being followed by a car for about 30 minutes. the driver, concerned there might be something wrong, stopped and got out , and approached the car driver.... the window opened revealing a blonde at the wheel..
"What are you doing?" asked the plow driver.
" My father told me in heavy snow I should follow a plow truck whenever possible, because that's the safest road surface." she replied

The plowman shrugged his shoulders and said "Suit yourself, I'm done with Walmart, I am going to target next."


----------



## kiyote

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated...

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.


----------



## youngdon

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

#2

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

#3

I was talking to a young woman in a bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

#4

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

#5

I went to a club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. She would field dress out at about 210 pounds.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


----------



## youngdon

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FR EE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed - wife knows everything


----------



## kiyote

How God created man

On the first day, God created the first dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the first monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the first cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a lifespan of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'"
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

This is why, my friends, for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


----------



## kiyote

I was sitting in my truck at Walmart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...
I honked my horn.


----------



## kiyote

long live the eagle!!


----------



## kiyote

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."


----------



## kiyote

The wife and I got married for better or worse.

I couldn't do better, and she couldn't do worse!


----------



## kiyote

*If I had a dollar for every girl *that found me unattractive, 
they would eventually find me attractive.


----------



## kiyote

*There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse.*

He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.

The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?"

The Indian replied, "Many moons."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*HA HA!!!! Now that there's FUNNY*


----------



## kiyote

*Apparently 1 in 20 people live next door to a* 
pedophile. Not me. I live next door to a really hot, sexy 14-year-old.


----------



## kiyote

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them. 
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?"

The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"


----------



## kiyote

NEW Oscar Meyer Weiner song

I'm glad I'm not Anthony Weiner
that's who I never want to be
'cause if I was Anthony Weiner
I'd be worried about a hit from Hillary


----------



## kiyote

I'm dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.
People often ask me how I can tell them apart.
In all fairness it's really easy and fun when asked, especially since I enjoy messing with peoples heads. I usually just say "Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie."


----------



## kiyote

If I had a dollar for every gender out there, 
I'd have 2 dollars and a feces load of counterfeit


----------



## kiyote

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."


----------



## kiyote

*Undertakers:*

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial. That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as hell.


----------



## kiyote

I said to my boss, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!" 
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!" 
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" 
"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."


----------



## kiyote

Guy hands his daughter his last child support payment to give to her mother
He tells her daughter, "Tell your mother this is the last payment and watch the look on her face"
The daughter hands the check to her mother and says, "Dad said this is the last payment and watch the look on your face"
Mother takes the check and tells her daughter, "Well tell your father you're not his kid and watch the look on his face"


----------



## youngdon

Ouch !


----------



## kiyote

The teacher was trying to get her seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," she asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."


----------



## kiyote

trump would enjoy this one

did you hear about that couple pretending to be married?

FAKE NOOSE!


----------



## youngdon

A lie is a lie no matter how Smollet is.


----------



## kiyote

Why do riot police like to go to work early?

To beat the crowd.


----------



## kiyote

wife: what's wrong honey why are you crying?
husband: remember when I got you pregnant and you were only 17
wife: that was a long time ago honey
husband: remember I was 18 and your dad said I marry you or do 20 years in prison?
wife: yes I remember so what?
husband: I would have gotten out today.


----------



## kiyote

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says.

"My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch..."


----------



## kiyote

After a crushing defeat, the coach was asked
about his team's execution.

He replied, "Sounds like a good idea right now".


----------



## kiyote

chuckle. if anyone would , trump would.


----------



## bugsanddaffy331

kiyote said:


> chuckle. if anyone would , trump would.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> received-253229408897901.jpg


What an excellent idea that should shut them up lol

Sent from my moto z3 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

I told her: "I might not be rich. I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... :

"If you love me, introduce me to John."


----------



## kiyote

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. 
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.


----------



## kiyote

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it


----------



## kiyote

*The New Bernie Sanders Drinking game*

Every time the Bernster mentions another free government program chug someone else's beer.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I read a far-fetched story today about a dog who*

ran two miles to get a stick his master had thrown.


----------



## kiyote

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" The bartender inquired, "What makes you say that?"

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"


----------



## kiyote

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. 
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.


----------



## glenway

Nuff said.


----------



## kiyote

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'4", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

it's good to be 6'4"


----------



## kiyote

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow & asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


----------



## kiyote

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."


----------



## kiyote

Guido, the second son of a retired mafia Don was spending his second year in prison when one day he received a phone call from his father, who told Guido that he, the father, wanted to plant tomatoes but was too old to dig up all the ground in the garden.

Guido told him that digging in the garden is a bad idea. You won't like what you find down there. Just leave it alone.

Two days later a serious group of federal agents showed up at the father's home
then thoroughly dug up the garden to find
dirt, pebbles, and some rotten old
roots.

The next day Guido received another call from his father who said Guido my son, you have always treated me well and I have called you to thank you.


----------



## kiyote

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex.

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."


----------



## kiyote

*My wife just told me that in 9 months*

I'm in for a big surprise!!

I can't wait for Santa to come now!!


----------



## youngdon

Shortly after British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude the pilot announced:
Ladies and gentlemen this is the captain speaking, welcome to flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather is good so sit back and relax we should have an uneventful flight. And OH MY GOD...
Silence for the next few minutes - complete silence.
A few minutes later the captain comes back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen sorry if I scared you the stewardess just accidentally poured a hot cup of coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane an Irish passenger yells, "For the love of Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"


----------



## youngdon

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he'll have.

"Pop," goes the weasel.


----------



## youngdon

My wife asked me one day, "Dear, when I die will you re-marry?"

Me: Of course not, my life wouldn't be the same without you and I could never imagine being with anyone else.

wife: So you're not happy being married?

Me: Of course I'm happy being married.

wife: Then if you're happy being married to me don't you think it's possible that you might meet someone else?

Me: well, yes but...

wife: ...so you would probably get married again.

Me: I suppose I might....one day...with the right person....but she'd have to be a lot like you.

wife: And would she sleep in our bed?

Me: well I guess she probably would if we were married.

wife: And I suppose you would let her use my golf clubs??

Me: Don't be ridiculous, she's left-handed!﻿


----------



## youngdon

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

""Oh, yes, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a$$hole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"


----------



## youngdon

Definitions for Men and Women

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female&#8230;&#8230; Any part under a car's hood.

Male&#8230;.. The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female&#8230;. Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male&#8230;.. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female&#8230; The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male&#8230; Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female&#8230;.. A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male&#8230;&#8230; Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female&#8230;. A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male&#8230;&#8230; Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female&#8230;. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male&#8230;&#8230; A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female&#8230;&#8230; The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male&#8230;.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female&#8230;. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male&#8230; A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## knapper

I wish I could come up with some as good as these. This is my joke source.


----------



## kiyote

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman!!

sorry women but the men get it.


----------



## kiyote

knapper said:


> I wish I could come up with some as good as these. This is my joke source.


some jokes go over big some fail big.

can't have a hit everyday, just keep in mind that even the silly , childish or dark jokes are appreciated by someone, somewhere , sometimes.

so throw out whatever ya got, it may give someone a needed chuckle.


----------



## kiyote

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home and in the afternoon I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."


----------



## kiyote

A little kid asks his father.... 
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both, son, God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both, son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?" "Yes, son, he loves all children." The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


----------



## kiyote

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"


----------



## kiyote

*t was a golden era when there was no internet..*

In those days, only your family and friends knew how stupid you are.


----------



## kiyote

How do you tell an Aligator from a Crocodile?

Find out if he'll see you later, or after while.


----------



## kiyote

Told my wife she would look better with her hair back.

Apparently, that's insensitive to say to a cancer patient...


----------



## kiyote

New study on sexuality...

Good news: Women who get more sleep provide better sex.

Bad news: The study was conducted by Bill Cosby.


----------



## kiyote

******* Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


----------



## kiyote

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, "What are you two arguing about?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it."

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.


----------



## kiyote

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Paul and Joyce to be the hosts, Joyce wanted to outdo all the others.

Joyce decided to have mushroom-smothered steak since it was Paul's favorite meal. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told Paul, "No mushrooms. They are too pricey."

Paui said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

Joyce said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

Paul said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Joyce decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Joyce watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Joyce even hired a young teenage girl from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes.

About then, the young teenager from town came in and whispered in Joyce's ear.

She said, "Ma'am, Ol' Spot just died."

Joyce went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the young girl came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."


----------



## kiyote

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*OL' Spot Joke ---One of the Best----Thanks for sharing Ha Haa !!!*


----------



## kiyote

JOE BIDEN 2020****

Can't stop the Feeling!


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

Teacher: "What is sex?"

Johnny: "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation."
Teacher: *faints


----------



## kiyote

The teacher said...

Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:

"John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up,

"General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

*"Damn, we're screwed."*

Little Akio said quietly,

"Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*Ha Haa Now that's a good one-----way to start the morning LOL*


----------



## kiyote

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong....

after saying she wasn't talking to me anymore.


----------



## kiyote

general to private: "soldier , have you come here to die?"

private:" no sir ! I come here yesterdie!"


----------



## kiyote

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them.

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."


----------



## kiyote

*Hey Jussie. We all make mistakes.*

Don't beat yourself up over it.


----------



## kiyote

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,"bless me,father,for i have sinned. "i was with seven women last night"

The priest is silent for a moment,then says "go home and cut seven lemons in half. squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.

"And i`ll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No." replies the priest ,"but it will wipe that smirk off your face."


----------



## youngdon

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.


----------



## kiyote

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep ,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen


----------



## kiyote

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".


----------



## kiyote

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.


----------



## kiyote

If they bring home shrimp on shrimp boats,

and fish on fishing boats, what do they bring crabs home on?

The Captain's dinghy.


----------



## kiyote

A man's wife just had a baby today and after thanking the doctor he sheepishly pulled him aside and asked, "How soon will we be able to have sex?" 
The doctor winked and said, "I'm off duty in 20 minutes, meet me in the parking lot."


----------



## fr3db3ar

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy the heart opened up and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes started at him he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist "

The proctologist fainted.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

Son: Dad, I've heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.


----------



## fr3db3ar

I recently saw a sign on a business that said "I'd rather see 10,000 muslims in my place than a single American soldier."

Funeral directors can be so funny.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

Past, present, and future walk into a bar........

It was a tense situation......


----------



## glenway

My mother in-law, an English teacher for over 40 years, would have liked that one, YD.


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## youngdon

I know you wouldn’t believe the number of people who don’t get it.


----------



## glenway

Actually, I *would* believe it! And, many media professionals wouldn't get it, either. And, they are professional communicators!

I've had a notion to record certain broadcasts of TV or radio, catch grammatical errors, and then hold seminars for them by playing it all back, and correcting them. Nobody would escape from what I've seen and heard.


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## kiyote

I doan git et.

leest thad wut she sayed.


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## kiyote

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."

The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Costume party."


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## youngdon

glenway said:


> Actually, I *would* believe it! And, many media professionals wouldn't get it, either. And, they are professional communicators!
> 
> I've had a notion to record certain broadcasts of TV or radio, catch grammatical errors, and then hold seminars for them by playing it all back, and correcting them. Nobody would escape from what I've seen and heard.


Hahaha... That would be funny to see, although I would hate to see someone disect my writings here on PT. The newscasters here in Phoenix don't use complete sentences a lot of the time.


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## kiyote

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired HUGH Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!


----------



## fr3db3ar

where is the groan emoji? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## catcapper

Gotta agree with ya on that Fred--- kiyote must'a dig that one out from the bottom of the bottom of the barrel. :doh:

awprint:


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## kiyote

catcapper said:


> Gotta agree with ya on that Fred--- kiyote must'a dig that one out from the bottom of the bottom of the barrel. :doh:
> 
> awprint:


sheesh ! everones a critic! :teeth:

here's anuder fer ya.

*Where do horses go when they get sick?*

The horse-pital.

Just joking, they get shot. :smiley_beatin_horse_ani: :mrgreen:


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## youngdon

Shortly after British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude the pilot announced:
Ladies and gentlemen this is the captain speaking, welcome to flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather is good so sit back and relax we should have an uneventful flight. And OH MY GOD...
Silence for the next few minutes - complete silence.
A few minutes later the captain comes back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen sorry if I scared you the stewardess just accidentally poured a hot cup of coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane an Irish passenger yells, "For the love of Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"


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## kiyote

I went to my therapist only wearing saran wrap around my private parts.
My therapist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


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## fr3db3ar

your

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

youse


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## glenway

Could be "you're" or could be "your." By any other account, I'd say both.


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## kiyote

I guess I didn't hit the punch line correctly.

NUTS! :getrdone:


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## youngdon

We got it .......when telling it orally it all sounds the same.


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## glenway

That may depend on the pronunciation of the contraction "you're." I like to emphasize the "U" when saying "You're."

Guess that horse is pretty much dead and should have been so already. Y'all have been good students.


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> We got it .......when telling it orally it all sounds the same.


yeah ,I know . this is the jocularity thread so just being silly.

I tend to go with "yer" to avoid confusion


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## kiyote

Teacher: "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that. 
Johnny: "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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## fr3db3ar

I was having fun not starting a grammer lesson. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

grammar


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## glenway

I was having fun, too.


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## youngdon

So was I. My point was that we got the punchline, either way it was said.


----------



## kiyote

fr3db3ar said:


> I was having fun not starting a grammer lesson. :smile:
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


my grammer taught me many lessons.


----------



## kiyote

*I remember making love to my wife* 
for the first time. It was so romantic.

When she looked into my eyes It felt like I was the only guy in the room.


----------



## kiyote

*Wife: Do you drink beer?*

Man: Yes.
Wife: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 &#8230;correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## kiyote

*After 20 years of marriage,*

a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote!'


----------



## azpredatorhunter

Good stuff kiyote...


----------



## kiyote

*Why didn't Osama bin Laden ever have sex with* his five wives?

Because every time he spread their legs, he saw Bush.


----------



## kiyote

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.


----------



## kiyote

McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says, "I have a bottle of 25-year-old whisky under my pillow. When I'm dead would you do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?" "Of course I will," replies Hamish. "Though I might be passing it through my kidneys first."


----------



## kiyote

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."


----------



## kiyote

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman, peering over the first woman's shoulder, agreed, "You're right, he's not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."


----------



## kiyote

In an effort to not to offend anyone, the Great White shark will officially be renamed the 'Average Caucasian shark'


----------



## kiyote

*Ford tractor for sale *

Runs fine , missing steering wheel and seat . Perfect for someone who's lost his ass and don't know which way to turn .


----------



## kiyote

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

"Hello?!" she answered with irritation. "How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!"

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

"Who was that?" the husband asked groggily.

"Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear."


----------



## kiyote

not a joke, an undeniable truth but funny nonetheless. :clapclap:

Beer & the Wheel:

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals. 
2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men "evolved" into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass, for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message


----------



## kiyote

A Mormon and a Irishman are on an airplane together.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."


----------



## kiyote

*Three friends, Timmy, Johnny and Fred....*

are working on a high-rise building project. Unfortunately, Timmy falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Johnny says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'' Fred says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.' Two hours later, Fred comes back carrying a case of Heineken. Johnny says, 'Where did you get that?' "Timmy's wife gave it to me.'' Fred continues. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Fred said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Timmy's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'" And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Heineken you are.''


----------



## kiyote

no need to fear CWD. :eating:

those who get the brain rot, will be welcomed as leaders of the DNC!

finally pelosi,schumer , hilery, oblamer, pocohontas , oac and the like explained . they are all ex hunters who succombed to the disease. :hunter4: :hunter01: :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

*Duck walks into a bar. ..*

Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread ?
No , and if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?


----------



## kiyote

The invisible man married the invisible woman...

They ended up having a great marrage, however their kids weren't much to look at.


----------



## kiyote

Ever wonder why no Democrats are on Mt Rushmore?
Yea, me neither.


----------



## kiyote

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in


----------



## kiyote

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


----------



## kiyote

Trump should build the border wall out of
Copies of the Mueller report. ..people don't seem able to get over that


----------



## kiyote

I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!

You know you're getting older when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

With age comes skills, it's called "multi-tasking". Now you can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, and pee all at the same time!


----------



## kiyote

Two young girls walk by a house on a hot 
summer day and notice an old woman eating watermelon and not wearing any panties. 
Girls: "Is it cooler not wearing panties?" 
Old woman: "I don't think so, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."


----------



## kiyote

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammad!"


----------



## kiyote

Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "I knew it ! I want to meet my biological parents !"
Father: "We ARE your biological parents - now pack up, the new ones will be here shortly."


----------



## kiyote

Congress is in session.
That means 535 villages in America are currently without their idiot

I took an online IQ test and scored 175 by answering just 3 simple questions.

1. My credit card number

2. My social security number

3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate


----------



## youngdon

This guy is sitting at home alone when
he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there;
he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife. The sheriff says,
"I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a
great personality and she's an excellent cook. "


----------



## youngdon

You know, all this hair sniffing and shoulder rubbing by Joe Biden really ticks me off.

I have a friend that got fired once for just walking up to a pretty coworker and telling her that her hair smelled good.

Poor guy, as if being a little person wasn't bad enough....


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter."Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"


----------



## kiyote

*The Alter Boy*

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


----------



## kiyote

What do you give the woman who already has everything?

penicillin


----------



## kiyote

all children can benefit greatly by a pat on the back now and then. 
providing it is low enough and hard enough.


----------



## kiyote

People who don't know a burro ( donkey) from a burrow ( ground that has been dug) don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.


----------



## kiyote

My wife divorced me so i stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back.


----------



## kiyote

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"


----------



## kiyote

My next door neighbors are such childish idiots. They've been smirking at me all day and when i finally confronted them and asked what the problem was,.... 
they told me they could hear me and my wife having frantic, loud sex last night cause the bedroom window was wide open. 
Well Mr and Mrs smartypants, the joke's on 'YOU".... 
cause I wasn't even at home last night. 
Ha!


----------



## kiyote

Whoever has my voodoo doll...
please pull its hand out of its pants.


----------



## kiyote

I know 5 people who are clinically insane.

I'm two of them...


----------



## kiyote

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."


----------



## kiyote

Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was nearly killed in a traffic accident?
Some dick cut her off.


----------



## youngdon

Karma I guess !


----------



## kiyote

Why do they sing " take me out to the ball game
When they're already there ?


----------



## kiyote

Charlie decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Charlie said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Charlie got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


----------



## youngdon

That was nice of Jack to lend them his van.......


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> That was nice of Jack to lend them his van.......


yeah. jacks a great friend


----------



## kiyote

*History of Math in America*

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In The 2000s Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.

7. Teaching Math In 2011 Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


----------



## catcapper

Ha--- true tale--- I was haul'in a load of logs down out of a place called South Colony Creek--- I stopped at the bottom where the dirt met the chip road to tighten the load chains. Some tree huggers in a fancy SUV stopped to talk, and asked me why I cut those trees down--- don't you care about the animals that live in them.

I told'em sure I care--- I cut a birds house down so I can build a bunch of bird houses--- bet I made 20 dollars profit.lol.


----------



## hassell

I was at a welding school in a college an hour east of here in the 90's, during our dinner break in the cafeteria the power went out, the girls tending the tills could not make change from any purchases with cash as their math was not up to par and didn't know what to do, they finally kicked everyone out and closed the cafeteria down until the power came back on.


----------



## youngdon

I used to make a habit of paying at fast food places in ways that I found funny. If the total came to 5.36 I’d give them 6.42. I got odd looks from the cashier and many times the manager.


----------



## kiyote

a child comes home from his first day at school.His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."


----------



## kiyote

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there."

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both", she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air.

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" he answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."


----------



## kiyote

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!


----------



## kiyote

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in.


----------



## kiyote

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia."

The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?"

The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,

"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


----------



## kiyote

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


----------



## murphyranch

.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## youngdon

.


----------



## kiyote

Three sailors are discussing their cargo.

They are used to transporting various goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 400 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.

"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.

Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.

The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.

"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.

"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"

"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.

The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.

"That this isn't a democracy..."

"It's a dick tater ship!"


----------



## kiyote

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."


----------



## kiyote

here was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"


----------



## kiyote

My wife has three places in the backyard she feeds birds. Every day, she goes out and pours a cup of birdseed in each station. Every day, squirrels come and eat most of it. The cardinals get their share, but most birds get nothing.

And my wife is happy with this. She likes feeding the squirrels and watching them play as much as the birds. OK, fine honey. But everyday, there are more squirrels. It used to be just two. Then five. Now there are too many to count accurately, but say twelve. Swell, it doesn't cost that much to feed them and it makes her happy to know she'd feeding hungry animals.

Well, until today when she went to her garden and Every. Single. One. of her tomatoes was trashed. "Something got into my tomatoes!!!" I reckon it was all the squirrels you attracted to the property with all the free food. ....silence......dawning realization......

Welcome to the GOP, honey.


----------



## kiyote

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.

"He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep.

"The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."


----------



## kiyote

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"


----------



## kiyote

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico.

The Mexican says, "Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews..


----------



## kiyote

BREAKING NEWS:

A sudden earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale

has hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't

know where to start to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock and eager to help:

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two

million replacement Muslims.


----------



## kiyote

Financial collapse in Japan.............

Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank....................shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.

Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.

500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.


----------



## kiyote

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


----------



## glenway

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


----------



## youngdon

He probably takes a shot of starting fluid.


----------



## kiyote

A man and his wife were driving along a road.

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."

The man speeds up again, subtly.

This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."

The man speeds up one last time.

The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."

The wife looks puzzled and asks him, "What's that?"

The man turns the car, heading towards a pillar with a large grin on his face and replies with, "I've got the airbag."


----------



## glenway

Police in Owosso were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


----------



## kiyote

A young lady asks her grandfather what he'd like for his 80th birthday. He says that, more than anything else, he'd like to eat at a certain Parisian cafe he remembered fondly.

She makes arrangements, buys plane tickets, reserves a hotel with a view of the Eiffel Tower, etc. She contacts the owner of the cafe, explaining that her grandfather hasn't been to Paris since World War II, and really wants to reminisce at the cafe.

They arrive and everything goes swell. The cafe is just as he remembered. The young waitress is the splitting image of her grandmother. The food is exquisite as is the wine. When it's time to pay the bill, the owner declares that he couldn't possibly charge the old soldier who had served so bravely in the War.

The old man, very grateful, replies, "Vielen Dank für das wundervolle Essen."


----------



## kiyote

Confucius say -
Woman who put husband in doghouse...&#8230;&#8230;..soon find him in cathouse!


----------



## kiyote

Three surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." 
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians, everything inside is in alphabetical order." 
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."


----------



## knapper

glenway said:


> I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


There was a cat that drank some gasoline and ran around in a circle until it fell over, Know what happened? He ran out of gas.


----------



## kiyote

*The difference between boogers & brusselsprouts*

Kids will eat boogers


----------



## kiyote

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to watch porn or golf? 
she said, "Lets watch porn, you already know how to golf."


----------



## youngdon

Ouch !


----------



## kiyote

eez funny cause eets true. :wub: :smiley-confused005:


----------



## kiyote

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."


----------



## youngdon

I replaced our bed with a trampoline....When the wife found out she hit the roof.


----------



## kiyote

During the Cold War an East German sneaks into West Germany

Once there, he immediately asks for political asylum. The West German authorities decide though to question him first.
"How is the work there?"
"Can't complain"
"How is the housing there?"
"Can't complain"
"How is food availability there?"
"Can't complain"
"Then why did you come here?"
"Because here I can complain"


----------



## kiyote

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house."

The guy gulped it down once again.

The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."

"What about your best friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"


----------



## kiyote

joe is having dinner at the country club with his wife. Along comes a sweet young thing who whispers a few words in joes ear, kisses his cheek, and moves on. 
joes wife, who has a great vocabulary and doesn't ever swear, says "What the hell was that?" 
joe: "Oh she's my mistress." 
Wife: "I'm divorcing you tomorrow." 
joe: Please think about it. You and I have a great life together and maybe you shouldn't divorce me because I have a new toy. If we divorce I don't think we can separately afford the shows, the cruises, the country club or two houses as nice as the one we have." 
So joes wife is actually thinking about it, and while she is along comes another young girl to where frank and his wife are having dinner. A few words and a kiss. 
joes wife: "What was that?" 
joe: Oh, she's franks mistress. 
joes wife, after much more thought: "Ours is prettier."


----------



## kiyote

OJ is out . 
when asked about his plans for future he said he was thinking of running in 2020. 
he said he'd really like to take a stab at it.


----------



## kiyote

A man in Bulgaria drove trains for a living....

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."


----------



## kiyote

Four secrets of a happy marriage.

1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each other.


----------



## glenway

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


----------



## kiyote

how do you say constpated in german?- farfrumpoopin

if your not poopin, European!


----------



## kiyote

*A little girl says to her mother:*

"Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently


----------



## kiyote

Maxine Waters and AOC find three grenades
and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


----------



## glenway

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.


----------



## kiyote

A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'


----------



## kiyote

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."


----------



## kiyote

A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


----------



## youngdon

A guy is walking down the street and he sees a sign that
Says "talking dog for Sale" he knows he has to go see this for himself. He knocks on the door and asks the owner about the dog and the owner says, he's in the back yard. 
The guy goes back there sees the dog and says " hello " the dog says " hi" the guy is astonished. And asked the dog how he can talk. The dog says " I discovered at an early age that I could talk then went to work with the CIA. After a bit I got bored and worked for the local PD. I helped bring a lot of people to justice because they never thought
I could testify against them. After a bit I decided to settle down and have some puppies and just be a guard dog for my master. "
The guy rushed back to the owner and says "
How much do you want for the dog?" The owner says"
I don't know? $15 dollars ?
The guy asks why would you sell him so cheap ? The owner says " because he's a liar " " he's never been out of the back yard. "


----------



## glenway

All dogs are liars. Never heard one tell the truth yet.


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> All dogs are liars. Never heard one tell the truth yet.


that's what my dog says about humans.


----------



## kiyote

I invited a young homeless man to come live with me and my wife for a while. He took a nice long bath, shaved and I bought a small wardrobe of brand new clothes for him. Then I took him to a hair stylist for finishing touches. He looked quite presentable. He was very personable and seemed quite intelligent.

It wasnt long before I noticed my wife behaving strangely towards him. She seemed flirtatious. I began to suspect my wife had developed romantic feelings toward the man.

I spoke to the man privately and told him of my observations and suspicions. Then I asked him directly if he planned to romance my wife and run off with her.

"Absolutely not" he insisted.

So I kicked him out of the house and Im looking for a new young homeless man to live with us.


----------



## kiyote

People used to laugh at me when I would say

"I want be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now...


----------



## glenway

kiyote said:


> that's what my dog says about humans.


Like I said.


----------



## kiyote

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

2. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

3. At this point the cat will self agitate, never mind the noise that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a power wash and rinse

4.CAUTION! Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG


----------



## kiyote

Scenario : 
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD - 
result deemed to be positive. 
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding
1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
1950s - Wasps die.
2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, 
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.


----------



## kiyote

Dark Humor
A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark Humor?"
She responds: "see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap."
The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"
Mom: "Exactly."


----------



## kiyote

proof that the democrats have Americas back...&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.

*The Democratic Debate*

*Press 1 for English*


----------



## kiyote

A woman once asked me if she was the only one I'd ever had sex with. 
I said yes, all of the others were 8's, 9's and 10's.


----------



## kiyote

The first gender neutral bathrooms
were public swimming pools.

the other day I was peeing in the pool . I almost fell in when the lifeguard yelled at me.


----------



## kiyote

A couple, both age 45 went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed and said I'll charge you $50
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90 The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from my health insurance


----------



## kiyote

My driver's side window quit working....
so I guess I'm on a diet.


----------



## kiyote

this is for the lefties

*If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,*

where are all the other genders from?

They were pulled out of Uranus!


----------



## kiyote

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table

was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.


----------



## kiyote

There was a father who had three sons.. he worked hard to give each of them the best education that he could...
one became a Doctor. One became a Accountant. And one became a Lawyer.

For the fathers last will.. asked each of his three sons to put $1000 in his coffin.

Tragically, the father passed away.

The three son's (the Doctor, the Accountant, and the Lawyer) each attended the funeral.

First the Doctor went up to the coffin and laid 10 crisp $100 bills into the coffin. Secondly the Accountant laid 20 crisp, $50 bills into the coffin... It was the Lawyers turn. He walked up to the coffin took the money, and laid a check for $3000 in the coffin.

The Lawyer is now running for Congress.. possibly in your District!


----------



## kiyote

Smile and the world smiles with you
Fart and the world stops smiling.

Try to make others smile my friends.
The alternative literally stinks.


----------



## kiyote

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.
Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?
Applicant: 546320
Interviewer: That's wrong.
Applicant: How about that speed though?


----------



## kiyote

Exercise

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks.
Then try50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I 'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.


----------



## kiyote

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*Boy that POLL Hit the nail on the Head!!!!!!!!!!!*


----------



## kiyote

Just returned a pair of Nike shoes to the store.

When they asked me why I said "They hurt my feet when I stand for the National Anthem."


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*RED WHITE BLUE Good one Kiyote and so true*


----------



## kiyote

*FOR SALE:*

Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
$100 or best offer.
Reason for sale: No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.


----------



## kiyote

Blondes are now telling AOC jokes


----------



## kiyote

*I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and*

asked them if they were gay. They immediately arrested me.


----------



## kiyote

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.


----------



## kiyote

*Three highly decorated police officers die in a* wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"


----------



## kiyote

I was wondering what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet, so I asked my sixteen brothers and sisters. They had no idea either.


----------



## kiyote

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."


----------



## kiyote

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"

"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."

"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"

"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.


----------



## kiyote

millenials


----------



## kiyote

Two guys at a bar

Guy #1: Shows guy #2 a photo of his wife and kids and asks, "What about you? Are you married?"

Guy #2: "Nope. Widowed. Twice."

Guy #1: "I'm sorry. How'd that happen?"

Guy #2: "First wife died from eating poison mushrooms."

Guy #1: "That's terrible. What about your second wife?"

Guy #2: "She died of blunt force trauma."

Guy #1: "How did that come about?"

Guy #2: "She refused to eat her mushrooms."


----------



## fr3db3ar

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*Things were a bit rough in our marriage...*

The wife read a

*Things were a bit rough in our marriage...*

The wife read an

*Things were a bit rough*
*Things were a bit rough in our marriage...*

The wife read an article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.

Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.* in our marriage...*

The wife read an article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.

Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.

article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.

Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.

n article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.

Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.


----------



## kiyote

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"


----------



## fr3db3ar

that didn't make a long story short

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Recently starting going to a French self-defense class.
I can't believe how tiring it is.
I've never done so much running in all my life.


----------



## kiyote

Our therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage, and she said it was due to my Star Wars puns.
I looked at the therapist and said. "Divorce is strong with this one."


----------



## kiyote

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died:

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and
loyalty to my Master".

"Good", says God, "then sit down on my right side".

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.

The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection
of my Master."

"Aha", said "God, "you may sit to my left".

Then He looks at the Cat, and asks, "And, what do you believe in"?

The Cat then answers..... "I believe you are sitting in my seat."


----------



## kiyote

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## kiyote

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."


----------



## kiyote

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!


----------



## kiyote

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.


----------



## kiyote

Question #1 - If you were President, and you were told by the CIA that China had begun invading neighboring countries, would you choose beef or duck at your inauguration dinner?

Question #2. - As the new President, you find that there are elected members of congress that appear to hate this country to its core, which radio station do you listen to?

Question #3 - While campaigning, your manager finds that you are behind in the polls. What names other than racist, homophobe, xenophobe, and misogynist would YOU call your opponent?


----------



## kiyote

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."

Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"

Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."


----------



## youngdon

:roflmao:


----------



## kiyote

Russian President Putin called President Donald Trump with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "It's my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Trump.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

Donald hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!"


----------



## kiyote

A couple went shopping but had car trouble in the parking lot, the husband told the wife to go ahead and do the shopping while he fixed the car.

When the wife returned a while later there were many people around the car looking at a pair of hairy legs protruding out from under the car and although he was wearing shorts his lack of under pants turned his private parts into publicly glaring ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. She stood up and looked across the car and saw her husband idly standing by watching. The mechanic, however, had to have 3 stitches in his forehead.


----------



## kiyote

*Just saw two zombies out on a date.*

And they say romance is dead.


----------



## kiyote

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and
nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through-over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"


----------



## kiyote

The DNC has started a new concept business in order to help bail out all the major cities run by them.

It is called the "Rat Registry." Similar to the "Star Registry" that has been around for years.

Simple. For $24.99, you can name a rat in any major city. It will be recorded and preserved forever. What a wonderful gift to give a loved one.

Don't have to rush. There are way more rats than people. You will receive a photo and a copy of the registration.


----------



## kiyote

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

what about a mesa?
that would mesa up my joke.


----------



## kiyote

Elizabeth Warren's(pocohontas) husband was arrested for domestic abuse. 
he's trying to get special treatment based on his minority status.
He claims to be from the Slapahoe tribe.


----------



## kiyote

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. Apologizing that she only had two dollars, she wrote this obituary: "Pete died."

"I remember ol' Pete, and he deserves more than two words," said the newsman. "I'll give you three more for free."

The widow thanked him and wrote, "Pete died. Boat for sale."


----------



## kiyote

It was a very tight Christmas for one family.

The father told his small son that he could only have one small gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse hat." That year he got the hat he wanted.

The next year was again very bad and the child was told that he could only choose one gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse shirt." He got the shirt.

The third year was much better. The father told his son that Christmas that he could have whatever he wanted. The excited little boy shouted, "I want a Mickey Mouse outfit."

So his dad bought him the Dallas Cowboys.


----------



## kiyote

When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally...

He comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich!


----------



## kiyote

THE BEST THING ABOUT REPUBLICAN WOMEN

NO PENIS!


----------



## kiyote

getting old...&#8230;&#8230;.

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem -- her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. Realizing her mistake, she loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.

The officer to whom she told the story laughed and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.


----------



## kiyote

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting considering our current debates!

The Quote:

Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:

"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."


----------



## kiyote

if your surprised eipstein killed himself...&#8230;&#8230;.

IMAGINE HOW SURPRISED HE WAS !!!!!!!!!!!!! :wink2:


----------



## kiyote

seven most misused words in the English language

To

Too

Two

Their

There

They're

And

Racist


----------



## kiyote

Pro tip:

Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.


----------



## kiyote

I just got elected to President of the Flat Earth Society. 
We proudly have members all over the globe


----------



## kiyote

I can't believe California hasn't figured out
that all they have to do is ban wildfires


----------



## youngdon

And earthquakes !


----------



## kiyote

Monica Lewinsky turned 46 last month.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.


----------



## youngdon

UPDATE:
While the medical examiner was on lunch break today, 
Epstein cremated himself.


----------



## kiyote

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."


----------



## kiyote

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.


----------



## kiyote

*A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads*

"Talking Dog for Sale."

Intrigued, he walks in.

"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted.

He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"


----------



## kiyote

if I repost jokes from time to time , bear with me.

*My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.*

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

seriously though , it's like a steel trap.

a rusty, old , abused , steel trap.


----------



## kiyote

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."


----------



## kiyote

"IT'S NOT A MAN BUN"..

... IT'S A SADDLE HORN FOR HIS BOYFRIEND.


----------



## kiyote

*Bill tried to cheer Hillary up this morning...*

*... by reminding her that Nelson Mandela was not elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.*

*Bill tried to cheer Hillary up this morning...*

*... by remindin*

*Bill tried to cheer *
*Bill tried to cheer Hillary up this morning...*

*... by remindi*

*Blonde Medical Terminology*

Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphragm - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

*ng her that Nelson Mandela was not elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.*

*Hillary up this morning...*

*... by reminding her that Nelson Mandela was not elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.*

*g her that Nelson Mandela was not elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.*


----------



## kiyote

Q. Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

A. She thought it was diet coke.


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

*An Irishman walks out of a bar.....*


----------



## kiyote

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."


----------



## kiyote

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the
country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic.
The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get
to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."


----------



## kiyote

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer


----------



## kiyote

A woman hears someone knock at the door.

She opens to see and a man asks, "Do you have a vagina??" She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again. Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, "Honey I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, "I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this." The man asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes!" replies the woman. The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours.


----------



## kiyote

Bob is training a puppy. When it pood on the floor, Bob would rub its nose in it and toss it out the ground floor window.
The puppy learned fast. He now craps, turns around rubs his own nose in it and jumps out the window


----------



## kiyote

THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US

Good old days.

The other day I was in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and someone asked me a rhetorical question:

'Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?'

I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in the garden and flower beds.
I was drug to the homes of neighbors to help mow the yard, repair the clothesline, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, my dad would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better
place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.


----------



## kiyote

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."


----------



## kiyote

Miranda Rights

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"


----------



## kiyote

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look.

When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and sang, "Jose, can you see?"


----------



## kiyote

If your town offers a gun buy-back program 
stand out front and offer 10 dollars more


----------



## kiyote

A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last
night. My daughter walked into the living room and said: 'Dad, cancel
my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash
Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw
me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And
don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any
charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. Her exact words were:"

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on
Bernie Sander's presidential campaign.'"


----------



## kiyote

*What's the saddest waterway in Russia?*

Crimea River.

*How do Superman's enemies plan to do him in?*

They're going to put him in a crypt tonight.

*What's the most dangerous thing in your freezer?*

Ice is.

*Asked to name a famous mountain AOC replied:*

Mountain Dew.


----------



## kiyote

I took my grandma to a fish spa center

where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.


----------



## kiyote

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."


----------



## kiyote

From : Tim Allen Here are some interesting points to think about prior to 2020, especially to my friends on the fence, like moderate Democrats, Libertarians and Independents and the never Trump Republicans and those thinking of "walking away" from the Democratic party.

Women are upset at Trump's naughty words - they also bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray.
Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women's rights only matter if those women are liberal.
No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. Did you figure it out yet? But wait . . there's more.
Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900, 000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.
And just like that, they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.
President Trump's wall costs less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.
We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. We are fighting evil.
They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi.
Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145, 600, 000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!
Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.
A socialist is basically a communist who doesn't have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet!
How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone?
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.
Bill Clinton paid $850, 000 to Paula Jones To get her to go away. I don't remember the FBI raiding his lawyer's office.
I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.
The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump's approval ratings are low.
"The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other peoples money." - Margaret Thatcher
Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings.
President Trump said "They're not after me. They're after you. I'm just in their way."


----------



## kiyote

A Texan's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.


----------



## kiyote

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


----------



## kiyote

*Confucius says, " Woman who sit on judges lap,* 
get honorable discharge".


----------



## kiyote

*1944: 18 year olds stormed the beach at Normandy into almost certain death.

2019: 18 year olds need a safe space because words hurt their feelings.*

reality is a funny thing


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

kiyote said:


> *1944: 18 year olds stormed the beach at Normandy into almost certain death.
> 
> 2019: 18 year olds need a safe space because words hurt their feelings.*
> 
> reality is a funny thing


*Boy ain't that the TRUTH*


----------



## kiyote

Anticipation

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.


----------



## kiyote

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians!"


----------



## glenway

Digging deep for that one, Kiyote.


----------



## kiyote

speaking of deep...&#8230;...

Why can't you buy XXX size condoms?
I retired.


----------



## kiyote

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


----------



## kiyote

*A fly feels a bug land on its back.*

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asked.

"I might be," giggled the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groaned the fly.

"What do you expect?" said the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"


----------



## kiyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.


----------



## kiyote

Husband and wife..... 
BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! 
Wife - Do you want me to leave? 
Husband - No! Don't even think about it. 
Wife - Do you love me? 
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! 
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me? 
Husband - No! Why are you even asking? 
Wife - Will you kiss me? 
Husband - Every chance I get! 
Wife - Will you hit me? 
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?! 
Wife - Can I trust you? 
Husband - Yes. 
Wife - Darling! 
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.


----------



## kiyote

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Rydell was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When Rydell left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw OMR's men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

OMR eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Rydell laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?""

OMR: Been in the business 60 years!"

Rydell tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Rydell admired himself in the mirror, OMR asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Rydell thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

OMR: "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Rydell was surprised. "How did you know?"

OMR: "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Rydell looked at himself in the mirror, OMR said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Rydell was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

OMR eyed Rydell's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Rydell was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

OMR: "Been in the business 60 years."

Rydell tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Rydell walked comfortably around the shop, OMR asked, "How about new underwear?"

Rydell thought for a second and said, "Why not."

OMR stepped back, eyed Rydell's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Rydell laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

OMR shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


----------



## knapper

Old one but, a good one


----------



## kiyote

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low&#8230;

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."


----------



## youngdon

And she groaned.


----------



## kiyote

What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.


----------



## kiyote

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."


----------



## kiyote

In a recent survey carried out by the leading toiletries firm "Brut" people from Chicago are the most likely to have had sex n the shower.

In the survey 86% of Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered democrats) say they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they have never been in prison.


----------



## kiyote

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


----------



## kiyote

difference between Trump & Hillary Clinton.

Trump has been under investigation for over two years and none of his enemies have committed suicide.

But that's none of my business


----------



## kiyote

*When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her*
when a girl says she wants you to splurge on her ....

calm down, it's not what you think!


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*Fantastic !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise GOD*

*Thanks for posting Kiyote*


----------



## kiyote

hmm... no post ??????????? did it not post or was it modified for being a bit to racy?????????


----------



## kiyote

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"


----------



## kiyote

A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"


----------



## kiyote

When my wife falls asleep in a public place,

I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up


----------



## kiyote

*A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my* sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat.


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

*What do cannibals do at a wedding?*

They toast the bride and groom.


----------



## knapper

Good One


----------



## catcapper

Never under any circumstances take a laxative pill and a sleeping pill on the same night.

awprint:


----------



## youngdon

That would make for a crappy morning.


----------



## kiyote

yes , but a fluid rest


----------



## kiyote

I met a girl in a bar.

"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said,

"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."


----------



## kiyote

*A man and his young wife were in divorce court,*

but the custody of their children posed a problem. 
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. 
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. 
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to... me or the machine?"


----------



## kiyote

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.


----------



## kiyote

*I ordere**d a latte at Starbucks, told them my name was bueller , then walked out of the store.*


----------



## kiyote

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC) decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but AOC begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, AOC attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, AOC is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


----------



## kiyote

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere!

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

It's okay though, I'm self-employed.


----------



## kiyote

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.

The 8 pointer says,
'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.'

The 4 pointer says,
'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'

The Button buck says,
'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field.

The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.

The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement.

The 8 pointer says,
'I could probably get by with 4 does...........
Who really needs 10 anyway?'

The 4 pointer says,
'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!'

The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.

Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field!

He rips and tears up some grass........ 
pisses all over the place,
snorts & wheezes,
rubs his head raw on a tree,
and chews a lickin branch clean off!

Then he runs back over to his buddies.

His friends immediately ask him,
'What the hell are you doing!?'

I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!'


----------



## kiyote

*Two reasons I don't give money to the homeless*

1) They would spend it on alcohol.
2) I want to spend it on alcohol.


----------



## kiyote

going deer hunting this weekend ,so, I'm happier then a near sighted gynecologist with a wet nose.


----------



## kiyote

I've been looking for my ex girlfriend's killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.


----------



## kiyote

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.


----------



## kiyote

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it.
When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet (both ways)
to change the tv channel.


----------



## kiyote

Scam alert!!! Please note that while

shopping at the local supermarket you may be approached by two busty 18 to 20 year olds who will offer to help you put your shopping in the back of your car. As payment they will want a ride to the next supermarket.
While in the car they will proceed to kiss each other, rub their breasts against each other and then offer to satisfy you.
Once you reach the next supermarket you will notice your wallet has been stolen!!
I lost mine on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and twice on Friday !!!


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A Republican, Democrat, and Socialist....*

lived in the same house. One day it burned down, but why did only the Republican survive?

He was the only one at work


----------



## kiyote

Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans


----------



## kiyote

I said to my boss the other day,
"I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."


----------



## kiyote

Elizabeth Warren says only the Government should have guns. A real Indian would know better.


----------



## kiyote

There are 3 types of people in this world, 
Those that are good at Math and those that are not.


----------



## kiyote

I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.


----------



## kiyote

A cowboy rode into a little town out west long ago.
There was nobody on the streets. He tied off his horse and went into the saloon. It was empty except for the barkeep. "Where is everybody?" he asked the barkeep.

"They're all at the hanging on the other side of town," said the barkeep.
"Yeah? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Ed."
"Did you say Brown Paper Ed?"
"Yup. He wears brown paper clothes, has a saddle made of brown paper. His hat is brown paper, his chaps, his gunbelt, his holster, his boots--all brown paper."
"What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustlin'!"


----------



## kiyote

Mothers with teenagers know why animals....
eat their young


----------



## kiyote

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.


----------



## kiyote

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


----------



## kiyote

*Those were the good ol' days*

when I could get up without the sound effects.


----------



## kiyote

Policeman: "I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus."

"That may be true, but she has a wonderful personality."


----------



## kiyote

I had a seven course meal last night.
A six-pack and a hot dog.


----------



## kiyote

an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?


----------



## kiyote

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any real interest in his paintings which had been on display for the previous few weeks.
'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 17 of your paintings.'
'That's wonderful, absolutely marvelous,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'
'The buyer was your doctor.'


----------



## kiyote

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


----------



## kiyote

*What do Hillbillies do on Halloween*

Pump kin


----------



## kiyote

*How to piss off a Democrat....................*

Just Smile and Be Happy!


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *How to piss off a Democrat....................*
> 
> Just Smile and Be Happy!


Trying to minimize his taxes worked well for Our President.


----------



## catcapper

*A She Shed *--- in my day we used to call that a kitchen--->

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

if money can't buy happiness, explain beer


----------



## kiyote

I saw a girl crying at the mall and asked her what's wrong, she said she lost $200. Now me being the nice guy that I am I gave her $40 of the $200 I found at the entrance.


----------



## youngdon

She got off cheap. When my wife goes to the mall I usually lose more than that.


----------



## kiyote

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."



youngdon said:


> She got off cheap. When my wife goes to the mall I usually lose more than that.


I seldom go to the mall but when I do ,so do I.


----------



## kiyote

Republican plot makes liberals look like idiots

Code name: "Just Let Them Speak"


----------



## kiyote

*Little boy to Santa Claus:*

"Please send me a sister."
Santa Claus: "Okay. Send me your mother."


----------



## kiyote

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.........


----------



## kiyote

Chinese man goes to eye doctor
Doc says, " You have a cataract"
Chinese man replies: "NO!! I drive a Ford rinkin murkury!!"


----------



## hassell

Vegetarian is old Indian word for poor hunter.


----------



## glenway

Better stick to gardening.


----------



## kiyote

lol. tough crowd

*The shovel was a ground-breaking invention*


----------



## glenway

Yes. It creates something bigger the more that is taken away.


----------



## kiyote

*Gassy Russian:*

Vladimir Tutin

gay Russian

Vladimir flutin


----------



## kiyote

*Music is like candy.*

It's much better if you remove the rapper.


----------



## youngdon

I second that !


----------



## kiyote

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!


----------



## kiyote

*What do you call it when Batman skips church?*

Christian Bale


----------



## youngdon

ba da ch


----------



## kiyote

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart

this one kilt me :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

Friday bonus

*do ya know why scotsman wear kilts?*

Cause sheep can hear zippers a mile away.


----------



## catcapper

:doh:

awprint:


----------



## glenway

Yeah. Scottland. Where the men are all men and the sheep are all nervous.


----------



## kiyote

I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teac

I used to smoke weeI used to smoke weed and go to the class...
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.d and go to the class...

sneak in ten min

I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

utes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

her ever.


----------



## kiyote

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. 
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. 
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."


----------



## kiyote

Three guys, a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican all want to marry the same woman. She gets them all together and says "I'll marry whoever can make the best sentence using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'. The white guy goes first: "I really love cheese, but I hate liver.". "Hmm ok" she says. The black guy is next: "When I cook liver, I melt cheddar cheese on top." "Hmmm that's better" she says. The Mexican goes last: "Liver alone, cheese mine!"


----------



## kiyote

I am so confused

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, the wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


----------



## kiyote

*If you need a large boat to save two of*

every animal...&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.I Noah guy.


----------



## kiyote

when I was in the 6th grade , I asked my mother ," mom is the reason my pecker is so much bigger then the other kids because I am black?"

she answered ," no son . it is because you are 18."


----------



## kiyote

Can't believe how much doctors lie.....
Last year I went to hospital to get a vasectomy to stop my wife getting pregnant but it turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.


----------



## kiyote

/


----------



## kiyote

this morning

*This morning...*

I put on a shirt, a button fell off. Grabbed my briefcase, the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


----------



## kiyote

*\\I have some French WWII surplus rifles for sale*

*I have some French WWII surplus rifles for sale*

And they're in great condition. Never been fired and only dropped once!


----------



## kiyote

Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.


----------



## kiyote

There was a sheriff looking for a deputy, so a

******* went in to apply for the job.

"OK," the sheriff said, "What is 1+1?"

"11," the ******* replied.

"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

"Today and tomorrow."

"Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The ******* thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that," the sheriff told him.

So the ******* went home and his wife asked him how it went, and the ******* replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"


----------



## kiyote

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansans
in the same room? A full set of teeth.


----------



## kiyote

Why do sumo wrestlers shave?
So that they are not confused with feminists.


----------



## kiyote

My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn't where I thought


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly


----------



## kiyote

next in news, dems investigating the call that resulted in two turkeys being pardoned!


----------



## kiyote

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."


----------



## kiyote

A former Teacher of the Year in Texas was recently fired for performing oral sex on one of her students.
In other news, students in Texas no longer get to vote for Teacher of the Year


----------



## kiyote

Life is like a box of chocolates...&#8230;...it doesn't last long for fat people.


----------



## kiyote

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


----------



## kiyote

One man's trash is another Man's treasure?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.


----------



## kiyote

Watched my first porno last night...
...wow, was I ever young and in shape


----------



## kiyote

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh

His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh

His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh

His Italian uncle, Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh


----------



## kiyote

a customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."


----------



## kiyote

Sunday terminology:

Amen - The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Holy water - A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Incense - Holy Smoke !

Jonah - The original "Jaws" story

Magi - The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Pew - A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

Ten Commandents - The most important top ten list not given by David Letterman.

Jesuits - An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams


----------



## kiyote

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."


----------



## kiyote

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"


----------



## kiyote

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.


----------



## kiyote

*A frog* called the Psychic Hotline. The Psychic told him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl, and she will come to know everything about you, inside and outside."

The frog was delighted. "When will I meet her?" he asked.

"Next semester--in her biology class."


----------



## kiyote

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."


----------



## kiyote

I grew up so poor, I had to have one of the
servants make my parents a christmas gift.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## murphyranch

.
















Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.


----------



## murphyranch

.









Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Blondes make AOC jokes.


----------



## kiyote

My wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when suddenly I heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy and had no idea what to do...

Then I remembered.... Denny's does an all day breakfast for just $3.99!!


----------



## kiyote

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"


----------



## kiyote

Nancy is at home in her kitchen when she hears her husband ranting at the TV. The tortured voice saying, "Don't do it!" "It won't work!" "You stupid man!" and finally, "Insanity, pure insanity!" Nancy can't take it anymore and confronts her husband, "What on earth are you watching that is making you so upset?" Sheepishly the husband replys "Our wedding video".


----------



## kiyote

a Monk sees face of Jesus in tub of margarine...
he says, "I cant believe its not Buddha!"


----------



## kiyote

Santa Clause accused of quid prop quo
Giving stuff to minors in exchange for good behaviour.


----------



## kiyote

Building permits

We recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

We decided it was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. I was going to hire some idiot to scream over the loudspeakers 4 times each day. We have enough property that it could have parking for 200 cars and my husband was going to paint it "snot green" while I insisted on pink trim.

The County Building permit office told us to go to hell.

So we sent in the application again&#8230;.but this time we called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday. And the best part is that it will be tax exempt!

I love this country, but it's the government that scares me.


----------



## kiyote

Why was the Amish girl shunned?
Too Mennonite


----------



## kiyote

0

it Snowed, So I Made a Snowman

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman, too.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man&#8230;woman...person...asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC station shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - Now I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters And Muslim 'immigrants', offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding that I be beheaded.

Moral? There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today...
and it is only getting worse and worse.


----------



## kiyote

*What shall we be outraged/offended about today?*

I'll start. 
- Skyscrapers. These are phallic symbols designed to belittle women and those less endowed. When seeing a skyscraper the easily offended feel excluded and trampled upon.

oh yeah &#8230;. MERRY CHRISTMAS to all you jokesters!


----------



## kiyote

My wife hates it when Walmart doesn't have what she needs because then she has to go home, take off the pajamas, take out the curlers, take a shower, put on a little makeup and go to Target.


----------



## kiyote

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.


----------



## kiyote

I met a girl crying outside the mall and I asked her what's wrong, she said that she had lost $200. So I gave her $40 from the $200 I picked up at the entrance. When you're blessed you must bless others.


----------



## kiyote

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good&#8230;mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."


----------



## kiyote

I tried wookie meat once.... it was chewy.


----------



## kiyote

CNN interviews prophets

AOC says that if we don't change our ways, the world will end in 12 years. Al Gore backed her up saying, "I've been telling people that for 30 years now".


----------



## kiyote

*KID : Dad, what do condoms do?*

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.


----------



## kiyote

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught so far?"
"You're the sixth," he said.


----------



## kiyote

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."


----------



## kiyote

A man was walking home alone late one night

when he hears

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ... .... the coffin stops.


----------



## knapper

good one


----------



## glenway

Yeah. Dead in its tracks.


----------



## youngdon

Must have been the old stuff with codeine.


----------



## glenway

Old?


----------



## youngdon

They still put it in cough syrup?


----------



## kiyote

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about six months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 6 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


----------



## catcapper

:roflmao:

awprint:


----------



## youngdon

What he said ^^^^^^


----------



## kiyote

Cojones de Toro
.
.
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming round

in Madrid. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'

The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."


----------



## kiyote

Little known facts
Before this week, nobody knew Suleimani's name.
Now, according to twitter, he's blown up.

Iran flew Suleimani's body home in coach class.
He didn't go first class because he didn't need the leg room.

How do we know Suleimani had dandruff?
Someone found his head and shoulders.


----------



## kiyote

At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the community. Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.

At the men's seminar last week, the rabbi asked David about his marriage. David replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, "I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!"

The rabbi responded, "David, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

David proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."


----------



## kiyote

WASHINGTON, D.C-Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more "hands-off" approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there.

After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such "rash, uncalled-for" action when he could have just "waited around a while to see what happens."

"If I were president, I definitely would have let things play out," she said. "Sending American troops to protect American lives seems a little hasty. What if you need to get a little shut-eye or recharge in your lizard person spawning chamber for a few hours?""I would have slept on it first."

She later admitted her criticisms might not matter, because, "What difference, at this point, does it make?"

Meanwhile, Americans under siege at the embassy took a few moments to thank God that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States.


----------



## kiyote

My friend asked me, "What are your plans for the weekend?"

I said, "I'm going to buy glasses."

She said, "And then what?"

I replied, "Then I'll see..."


----------



## kiyote

he da man!


----------



## kiyote

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means, it's not the end of the world.

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't get it&#8230;

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Police were called to a daycare where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.

The store keeps calling me to buy more bedroom furniture and all I wanted was one night stand.

The one who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

Smaller babies can be delivered by the stork, but heavier ones need a crane.

Hear about the new broom that just came out?

It's sweeping the nation!


----------



## kiyote

*Canadian Prime Minister's stern warning to Iran!*

The warning, issued this morning by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said: "That wasn't nice, eh!"

WhOA! Calm down, dude!


----------



## kiyote

another breaking update ..

*Tensions between Canada and Iran increase as*

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau refers to Iranians as "just a bunch of hosers".


----------



## kiyote

Nobody can argue that Trump is creating jobs.

A position as an Iranian general just opened up.


----------



## kiyote

AOC declared the extra hour of daylight that...
Daylight Savings Time provides contributes to Global Warning.


----------



## kiyote

Free health insurance, free college and
student loan forgiveness in return for your vote.
Quid pro quo.


----------



## kiyote

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed.
The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU?"


----------



## kiyote

*One day a man was walking in the woods when he* got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."


----------



## kiyote

*AOC is demanding elevator equality for people*
*AOC is demanding elevator equality for people*

who want to go left and right instead of up and down.

who want to

*AOC is dem*
*AOC is demanding el**AOC is demanding elevator equality for people* *vator equality for people*

who want to go left and right instead of up and down.

*anding elevator equality for people*
*AOC is demanding elevator equality for people*

who want to go left and right instead of up and down.

*AOC is demanding elevator equality for people*

who want to go left and right instead of up and down.

who want to go left and right instead of up and down.

go left and right instead of up and down.


----------



## kiyote

Clones are people two


----------



## glenway

youngdon said:


> They still put it in cough syrup?


Our doctor does!


----------



## kiyote

The difference in tax forms . . .
.If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.


----------



## kiyote

What do you call a camel with no hump? Humphrey.


----------



## kiyote

"The problem with quotes from the Internet,is that you can never truly verify their authenticity."
-Abraham Lincoln


----------



## glenway

Honest, Abe?


----------



## kiyote

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


----------



## kiyote

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.


----------



## kiyote

last joke explains why alcohol is a wonderfull thing. wether it be whiskey or clorophorm


----------



## kiyote

How do you milk a sheep?

Release a new iPhone.


----------



## kiyote

https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-worried-if-impeachment-fails-theyll-have-to-nominate-electable-candidate


----------



## kiyote

Drank a 12 pack of beer last night .
woke up with the runs this morning.
I think I have the Corona Virus.


----------



## kiyote

I'm reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen....&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;..I can feel it.


----------



## kiyote

concerning impeachment....."if you ain't got chit , you must acquit !

an that's all I got ta say bout that.


----------



## kiyote

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes
He cried and gave me a big hug.

If I'm nobody;
And nobody's perfect;
Then I must be perfect.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you befriend a squirrel?
Act like a nut.

What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?
A receding hare line.

Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?
Because he had little patients.

They say 40 is the new 30
But try telling that to a traffic cop.

Relationships are like algebra.
You look at your X and wonder Y.


----------



## kiyote

Patience: What you have when there are far too many witnesses.


----------



## kiyote

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is not the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John


----------



## kiyote

*If at first you don't succeed,*

then skydiving definitely isn't for you


----------



## kiyote

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion?

After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed...'


----------



## kiyote

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

"The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex..."


----------



## kiyote

not sure this is a joke but it is certainly comical. or it would be of it wasn't so sad.

what ever your feelings for Trump, these are some interesting points that Tim Allen makes. Tim Allen is credited with writing this ...
From: Tim Allen

Here are some interesting points to think about prior to 2020, especially to my friends on the fence, like moderate Democrats, Libertarians and Independents and the never Trump Republicans and those thinking of "walking away" from the Democratic party.

Women are upset at Trump's naughty words -- they also bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray.

Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women's rights only matter if those women are liberal.

No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. Did you figure it out yet? But wait... there's more.

Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900,000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.

And just like that, they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.

President Trump's wall costs less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.

We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. We are fighting evil.

They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi.

60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism.

Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!

Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.

A socialist is basically a communist who doesn't have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet!

How do you walk 3,000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.

Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones To get her to go away. I don't remember the FBI raiding his lawyer's office.

I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.

The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump's approval ratings are low.

"The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people's money."- Margaret Thatcher

Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. But you need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings.

President Trump said - "They're not after me. They're after you. I'm just in their way."

Now, go Back & Read this Again like you Future Depends upon it... Because it Does.


----------



## kiyote

It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend.


----------



## kiyote

I have a new found fear of death
and becoming a registered democratic voter


----------



## kiyote

*This preacher was looking for a good used*

lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does - just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

"You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."


----------



## kiyote

I learned how to say Veal in Cantonese:
YongKau


----------



## kiyote

*Vegans won't eat bacon.*

They insist that pigs are as smart as dogs. If this is true, how many dogs end up living in houses that get blown down by wolves?


----------



## kiyote

*My neighbor told me he is a pathological liar.*

I don't believe him.


----------



## kiyote

My brother recently went to jail.

He didn't take it very well.

He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I seriously doubt we will be playing Monopoly with him again anytime soon...


----------



## kiyote

*Breaking news*
CNN confirmed today what most people already knew. Nancy Pelosi ripped one at the state of the union address and should now be considered a tearer ist.


----------



## kiyote

Fart when people hug you

You'll make them feel strong...


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

AOC has issued a press statement
saying that she's fed up with all this talk about carbon emissions causing global warming. She insists that truckbon emissions are just as much to blame.


----------



## kiyote

Joe Biden said that he won't allow any of his children to work in the White House...
I doubt Trump intended to offer any of them a job, so I don't think it's an issue.


----------



## kiyote

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch
when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."


----------



## kiyote

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit...


----------



## kiyote

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."


----------



## kiyote

Valentines Day Special
For $700 a uniformed cop in a police car comes to your house and arrests you in front of your wife, handcuffs you and takes you away to a truck with a camper, a boat and fishing poles on top and 2 coolers full of beer and bait for a 3 day weekend.
You will be released Monday night at police headquarters where you call your wife to pick you up from jail


----------



## kiyote

when I was a kid such warnings were not needed .


----------



## kiyote

*Elizabeth Warren says.....*only the Government should have guns. A real Indian would know better.


----------



## kiyote

*What do you call the soft tissue between a shark*s teeth?
A slow swimmer.


----------



## kiyote

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


----------



## kiyote

*Want to hear a pizza joke?*

Nah, it's too cheesy.

How about a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on that one.

What about a rope joke? Skip it.

A wheelchair joke? Nope, it's too lame.


----------



## glenway

Posted 13 February 2020 - 08:21 AM

"I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper."

Too bad he didn't have a bomb instead; you'd be a hero!


----------



## kiyote

thisB IS CNN
breaking ne
breaking news...&#8230;...
breaking
breaking news...&#8230;...

the results from tomorrow's elections

this IS CNN

news...&#8230;...

the results from tomorrow's elections

this IS CNN

the results from tomorrow's elections

this IS CNN

ws...&#8230;...

the results from tomorrow's elections

this IS CNN


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## kiyote

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.


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## catcapper

:clapclap:

awprint:


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## kiyote

A big difference between men and women

is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.


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## kiyote

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? ,Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no...
"I was paroled".


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## kiyote

I'm dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.

People often ask me how I can tell them apart.

In all fairness it's really easy and fun when asked, especially since I enjoy messing with peoples heads in good but funny way I usually just say "Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie."


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."


----------



## kiyote

Got a letter from the credit card company marked "FINAL NOTICE." Thank God for that. I was getting fed up hearing from them


----------



## kiyote

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man got up and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."


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## kiyote

The lady was a southern woman who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left and got into his car. As he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, hhhhmmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"


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## murphyranch

My wife wanted to go see Jerry Springer live. I got her sister pregnant. We are on next Wednesday.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person. :angry:


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## kiyote

murphyranch said:


> My wife wanted to go see Jerry Springer live. I got her sister pregnant. We are on next Wednesday.
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I probably shouldn't tell you this BUT

I got her other sister and her mother AND her mother pregnant.

we is all guna bee suprize guesedz on same shoa!!!!!


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## kiyote

The two greatest menaces on the highways are
drivers under 25 going over 75, 
and drivers over 75 going 25


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## kiyote

People are being advised to buy

those surgical masks if they go anywhere where they may encounter a large group.
They are becoming scarce, but a spokesman for Home Depot was quoted as saying, "We have plenty. We just got a fresh shipment in from China."


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*In the Beginning*

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins


----------



## kiyote

World's best salesman:

The guy who persuaded blind people that they needed to wear sunglasses.


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## kiyote

My wife Just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"
I thought to myself.. "that's an odd way to start a conversation"


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## kiyote

The World Health Organization declared that
Dogs can no transmit the corona virus and should no longer be quarantined...
WHO let the dogs out!


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## kiyote

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

She replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."


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## kiyote

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you did this ...."


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## kiyote

*women shouldn't be allowed to *have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by any standard.


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## kiyote

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"


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## kiyote

if your walmart runs out of TP because of corona virus runs....................


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## kiyote

*Due to panic buying*

Wal-mart has opened checkout line number 3.


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## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *Due to panic buying*
> 
> Wal-mart has opened checkout line number 3.


No they haven't.


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> No they haven't.


well word on the street is they intended to but the checkers got the virus. :frusty:


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## murphyranch

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

murphyranch said:


> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


long as you got snuff, sniffles don't matter!


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## kiyote

how the corona virus has affected my life...&#8230;..

I used to cough to cover up sound of my farts. Now I do the opposite.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote

A man walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."


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## kiyote

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Math question," he said. "Feeling confident?"

"I've got a degree in Math and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.


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## kiyote

china just released the name of the first individual to contract the 19.

his name is AUH CHOO.


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## glenway

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"


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## kiyote

*The terrorists have been trying to weaponize*

a virus for years. The media just beat them to it.


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## kiyote

little rock arkansas tribune

dure to corona virus kids are now being homeschooled

in other related arkansas homeschool news

two were suspended for fighting

teacher fire for having sex with her students


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## youngdon

View attachment trim.7D8357E5-72D9-443C-87CD-B0AA91627756.MOV


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## kiyote

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. "Oh. it's not over yet", says the husband. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.

"But I don't have a headache," she says.

"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!"


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## catcapper

:clapclap:

awprint:


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## kiyote

I went to WALMART to buy a bag of dog food (Already have Toilet Paper)

While in line, the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

I stared at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze ) ... Like why the heck would I be buying dog food, CRAZY? heifer. Smarty pants

So being sarcastic I told her no, that I didn't have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but with 15 pounds less!

I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry the kibbles in your pockets and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).

Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answer, of course not! I was admitted because I was in the middle of the street trying to smell the butt of a bulldog and I was hit by a truck

I thought the man behind her was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing soooooo hard!


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## kiyote

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"


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## kiyote

Due to the "shelter in place" I will only be telling inside jokes


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## kiyote

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said," Come in and sit down".

When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about"?

He said, " Damned if I know, I've never got this far before"


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## catcapper

Just think--- people who kiss their dogs that know they lick their a$$ and balls--- are in a panic to buy hand sanitizer.

awprint:


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## kiyote

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


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## kiyote

*We might all get the corona virus,* 
But the Chinese got it right off the bat.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

Little Johnnie and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnnie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnnie, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnnie instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Johnnie has put so much thought into this."Well Johnnie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnnie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."


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## kiyote

With the beauty parlors all closed, there are a lot of ugly people walking around.

it's like waking up after a runner with coyote ugly!


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## kiyote




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## catcapper

THE BORDER PATROL HAS JUST SEIZED TWO TONS OF TOILET PAPER HIDDEN INSIDE A SHIPPMENT OF COCAINE.

awprint:


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## kiyote

Two very senior ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the heck is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


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## kiyote

*Why won't the virus last very long?*

It was made in China


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## kiyote

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

"Yesterday." I replied.


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## kiyote

I was at a grocery store at 7:45 am today that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."


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## kiyote




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## hassell

No Joke, did you survive the earthquake ??


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## kiyote

*Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:*

*You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you&#8230;

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click&#8230;..

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"

Wife: "You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!"*


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## kiyote

hassell said:


> No Joke, did you survive the earthquake ??


 least it wasn't a tornado.

shaken not stirred!

yeah. all good here .

I felt it, but am a couple hundred miles from epicenter . then about half hour later a smaller aftershock but no damage in my area. heard a guy about an hour away had windows in his home busted out and lost his chimney. epicenter was in a fairly remote area


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## youngdon

Good to hear kiyote.


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## kiyote

*I miss the good old days*

when Greta Thunberg was telling us we're all going to die.


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## kiyote

*I bumped into a man using women's panties* as a face mask.

"Very creative Corona virus improvisation", I stated.

He replied, "What's Corona virus?"


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## kiyote

*My wife just kicked me out of the house because* she said my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad.

I said, "I'll return."

*My wife just kicked me out of the house because* she said my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad.
I said, "I'll return."

*My wife just kicked me out of the house because* she said my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad.

I said, "I'll r*My wife just kicked me out of the house because*my wife kicked me out . she said my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really ban."


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## kiyote

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."


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## kiyote

*A young man hired by a supermarket*

Reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


>


I don't look good naked any more ...

thank God down there in Elko

I can rent me a &#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;..

no I don't look good naked anymore!


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## hassell

Good one YD, mirrors are banned from the house.


----------



## kiyote

I ordered Chinese takeout tonight. when the driver pulled up ,I went out to meet him.
the driver started shouting ." isolate !isolate!

I said, "chill dude. I only called in my order 15 minutes ago."


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## kiyote

*Democrats say Trump isn't a Dr.*

While they fall at the feet of..........
Climate scientist Bill Nye
Climate scientist Al Gore
Climate scientist schoolgirls
and Dr. Bill Gates


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## kiyote

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


----------



## kiyote

*I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress* 
"Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

She kicked me out and said "The men I please are none of your business!"


----------



## kiyote

*CO-VID19 pick-up lines:*

"Do you have the Corona virus, 'cause I can't stop looking at-choo."

"I think I may have just died of Corona virus, 'cause you look like an angel."

"Hey babe, would you like to see my stimulus package ?"


----------



## kiyote

*Best profession in the world:*

A bank robber!!

Rob just ONE bank, and your worries about money, food, housing, bills.....will be over for quite a while!!!

Whether you get caught or not!


----------



## kiyote

Today I had to go to the store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Bernie Sanders bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!


----------



## kiyote

hope all on the PT have a safe and happy easter!!!!!!!!!

as the world struggles through these tough times , fear not,

HE IS RISEN!

on this day of all days , I pray that all will take at least a moment, before hamming it up iggy: :eating: and reflect upon , whom do you say HE is?

I also pray that, should HE tarry in his return, he will continue to lift this nation up, as a light unto the world ,in HIS name! :usflag:

live long and prosper , y'all!


----------



## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*He Has Risen INDEED-------HIS Name is JESUS -------NOT Satan----------HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE-------GOD BLESS ------STAY SAFE*


----------



## kiyote

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works**


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## youngdon

IF you’re in debt.


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> IF you're in debt.


we're all in debt. think it's in the neighborhood of 20 trillion now.

high enough that 1200 is comical but that's what dependency on government deserves.


----------



## kiyote

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa"

The father asked "why did you say good bye grandpa?"

The little girl said "I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to say."

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.

A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma." And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.

A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went "God bless mommy, and good bye daddy." Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. "I had the worst day of my life." said the father. "If you think your day was hard, you won't believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"


----------



## kiyote

*Where would you find*

A prostitute with no arms or legs??

Right where you left her!


----------



## kiyote

*Two guys are out hunting deer*

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is gettin

*Two guys are out hunting deer*
*Two guys are out hunting deer*

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

g very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"


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## knapper

Good one!!!


----------



## kiyote

In nine months will all the children who are born be called "Children of the Quarn"?

Then in 13 years will they all be known as "Quarnteens"?


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## kiyote

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*Why couldn't the tissue paper cross the road?*

It got stuck in a crack.


----------



## murphyranch

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## knapper

good one murph!!


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## kiyote

Evidently, women just want security from men, 'cause that's the first thing they say when I approach them.


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## kiyote

*Doctors in Australia are studying*

whether corona can be spread through "aerosol generating procedures", more commonly known as farts.
If proven true, it gives new meaning to "silent but deadly"


----------



## kiyote

*The staff at a local United Way office realized*

that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


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## kiyote

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"

She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"


----------



## kiyote

*Has anyone reached the point yet where* you go through a fast food drive-thru window and order the cheapest thing on the menu just to get some napkins?


----------



## kiyote

Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."


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## youngdon

You’ve posted this one before Kiyote. I wonder if it was one year ago. Perhaps on your anniversary ?


----------



## catcapper

This is the longest something made in China has ever lasted.

awprint:


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> You've posted this one before Kiyote. I wonder if it was one year ago. Perhaps on your anniversary ?


 getting senial. the ol gray matter ain't what it used to be. :nut:


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## youngdon

Lol. TRUTH !


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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## knapper

There was a man in the hospital with covid 19 and was on oxygen has a nurse come in to give him a sponge bath. after she gives him one he ask her to check and see if his testicles were back and she is imburised due to the fact she was young and did not have much experince as a nurse. She tells him the she was only there to give him a sponge bath and had only was from his head and his feet. So he asked here again if his testicles were black. After some time and the fact that he keep on asking for her to keep checking for his testicles were black she works up the courage to pull up his gown and puts the in her had and lifts them up so he can see that they are there normal color. she then tell he am that they are normal. He pulls up his oxygen mask and says now listen closely have any of my test come back? I hope I told the joke well enough that everyone got it, my told it to me and she had gotten off facebook.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote

infected victoria secret models are angry about being called covid patients. they are demanding to be called easy, weezy, covid girls


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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote




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## kiyote

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."


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## kiyote

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"


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## youngdon

That was bad Kiyote I give it three rotten tomatoes


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> That was bad Kiyote I give it three rotten tomatoes


is that better or worse then an artie choke? :mrgreen:


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## kiyote

*I'll never forget the look*

on the cashier's face when she scanned the package of bird seed and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.


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## kiyote

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't.


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## youngdon

Ouch !


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## kiyote

*My wife has started to show signs of Alzheimer's*

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.


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## catcapper

Hmmm--------------> AOC cant figure out why her brother has two sisters and she only has one. :roflmao:

awprint:


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## kiyote

*What did the leper say to the hooker?*

keep the tip.


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## youngdon

catcapper said:


> Hmmm--------------> AOC cant figure out why her brother has two sisters and she only has one. :roflmao:
> 
> awprint:


Lol


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*Father Thomas* < EyeOfFear >

2020-05-11 17:00

Having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC.
When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he's walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, "$25 for a quickie, Father". Being rather naïve, and not wanting to offend her, he nods and says, "Bless you my child" as he walks away.

A short while later, another young woman approaches and says, "$25 for a quickie, Father." Again he nods and says, "Bless you my child" as he continues down the street, perplexed as to what a "quickie" is.

When he arrives back at St. Patrick's, he sees the Mother Superior, and asks how long she has been living in NYC. "All my life," she replies. "May I ask you a question then? What's a 'quickie'?"

Mother Superior gives him a good look up and down, and replies: "$25 - same as downtown."


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## kiyote

*We should all reach out and help your* neighbors safely during these troubling times. Yesterday I helped my neighbor bury a large rug out in the woods. Her husband would have helped but he is out of town.


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## murphyranch

.

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content










Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

*Ole and Sven die in a hunting accident,*

And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'


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## kiyote

how one shoe can ruin a family photo!


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## kiyote

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


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## kiyote

The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...."

"New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above."

Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."

"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian President.

"I don't know," Trump answers, "I can't read Hebrew."


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

I was struggling to get my wife's attention.

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick.


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## kiyote

*In the Beginning was The Plan*

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of *[Excuse my language.... I have a limited vocabulary]*, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how *[Excuse my language.... I have a limited vocabulary]* Happens.


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## kiyote

This quarantine is so unfair to men!

We lose $1.00 of salary for every .79 cents that a women loses!

It's just not fair!


----------



## kiyote

China claims Coronavirus came from an old bat But Nancy Pelosi denies any involvement


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## kiyote




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## youngdon

kiyote said:


> China claims Coronavirus came from an old bat But Nancy Pelosi denies any involvement​


Where was HilLIARy ?


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Where was HilLIARy ?


not to spread rumors BUT...&#8230;..


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## kiyote

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?".He said "Because you came home early."


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## kiyote

I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."


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## youngdon

He wasn’t talking about your behind he was talking about YOU !!


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> He wasn't talking about your behind he was talking about YOU !!


an unprovoked attack &#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;...I love it!

*My girlfriend's dad discouraged us from sleeping*

together. What a shame.............................he's such an attractive man


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## kiyote

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


----------



## kiyote

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."


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## kiyote

3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said "I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!"

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said,"I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*The police say they burn all the weed they* confiscate.
I guess that explains all the doughnuts.


----------



## kiyote

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"


----------



## kiyote

A man's age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or Whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, Dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit
-- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from Who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize You need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the Job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, Brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite Cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick While standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the Pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands And comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a Shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl Running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school With.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to Cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on A trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking In then flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your Daughter's' age and you feel weird thinking she is hot.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands Onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap In your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not To wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie Running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think You ve still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap Off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your Pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have Your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store Has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on Your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you Realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you Remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and Wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out Loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school With the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? -


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## kiyote

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"

The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Kia, YOU deal with it."


----------



## kiyote

Husband's and Wife's diaries......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late
for our "date."

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that
I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.


----------



## kiyote

*Two Indians and a Hillbilly*

were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "

It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.


----------



## kiyote

View attachment 35253


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

At the funeral everyone said it's such a shame he died penniless &#8230;

I don't know but sounds like perfect timing to me!!


----------



## kiyote

*Anyone go to any protests?*

I hear they were a riot


----------



## youngdon

Does anyone have an antifa mask and a brick I can borrow ? I’d l in e to go to church on Sunday and not get arrested.


----------



## kiyote

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'


----------



## kiyote

for YD


----------



## youngdon

Thanks Kiyote. I could watch that over and over


----------



## hassell

youngdon said:


> Thanks Kiyote. I could watch that over and over


 One of my favorites so far.


----------



## kiyote

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, but decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!


----------



## kiyote

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'


----------



## catcapper

Kiyote--- read post number 1405--- it almost matches post 1410--- we'll just figure ya had one too many. :naughty:

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

catcapper said:


> Kiyote--- read post number 1405--- it almost matches post 1410--- we'll just figure ya had one too many. :naughty:
> 
> awprint:


sheesh,guess I just liked that one. or could be the alziemers kicking in.

sheesh,guess I just liked that one. or could be the alziemers kicking in.

on the plus side &#8230;&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;..

Just got off the phone with my 104 year old great grandpa, and what a guy!

I asked him how things have been, and he said, "Everything's going great except these

damn child support payments!"


----------



## kiyote

*You might have heard this joke*

And because of that, I'm not going to tell it.


----------



## kiyote

*Doctor: "How long have you had Alzheimers ?"*

Me: "As long as I can remember."


----------



## kiyote

*My uncle has diabetes and Alzheimers.*

I asked him where his feet were &#8230;... he was stumped.


----------



## kiyote

*my obese parrot just died. *

It's a huge weight off my shoulders.


----------



## kiyote

My wife asked me to prepare our 5 year old son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.


----------



## kiyote

A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Two Irishmen in a passing car witnessed this spectacle. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. We're going to need a designated driver tonight!! Look at the test they're giving now!!"


----------



## kiyote

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad... 
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. 
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. 
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. 
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal, subject to interruption, and you have to pay for it. 
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself. 
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. 
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. 
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. 
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. 
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. 
AT WORK........They are called supervisors. 
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.


----------



## kiyote

*My MD asked me if alcoholics run in my family.*

I said, "No, but we all stumble around and break stuff.


----------



## kiyote

*Scientists have discovered another health hazard*

It has been unofficially named the "Peekaboo" virus.

Everyone who contracts it will immediately be sent to ICU.


----------



## kiyote

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'


----------



## kiyote

*Had to quit my job as a painter*

Every time I pick a colour now I'm racist.


----------



## kiyote

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."


----------



## kiyote

Biden makes his choice for VP. AOC
Gropey/Dopey
&#8230;..2020......


----------



## kiyote

*First woman on the moon...*

her: "Houston, we have a problem"
Houston: "What?"
her: "Nevermind"
Houston: "What's the problem?"
her: "Nothing"
Houston: "Please tell us"
her: "I'm fine"
Houston:"what's the problem?"
her : "well if you don't know , I am not going to tell you!"


----------



## kiyote

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 45 years."


----------



## kiyote

Cracker Jacks is changing It's Name to "CAUCASIAN JACKS"


----------



## kiyote

A g‌‌uy s‌‌ends a‌‌ t‌‌ext t‌‌o h‌‌is n‌‌ext-door n‌‌eighbor:

"Bob, I‌‌'m s‌‌orry. I‌‌'ve b‌‌een r‌‌iddled w‌‌ith g‌‌uilt a‌‌nd I‌‌ h‌‌ave t‌‌o c‌‌onfess: I‌‌ h‌‌ave b‌‌een h‌‌elping m‌‌yself t‌‌o y‌‌our w‌‌ife w‌‌hen y‌‌ou're n‌‌ot a‌‌round, p‌‌robably m‌‌ore t‌‌han y‌‌ou. I‌‌ k‌‌now i‌‌t's n‌‌o e‌‌xcuse b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌on't g‌‌et i‌‌t a‌‌t h‌‌ome. I‌‌ c‌‌an't l‌‌ive w‌‌ith t‌‌he g‌‌uilt a‌‌ny l‌‌onger. I‌‌ h‌‌ope y‌‌ou'll a‌‌ccept m‌‌y s‌‌incerest a‌‌pology. I‌‌t w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain."

Feeling o‌‌utrage a‌‌nd b‌‌etrayed, B‌‌ob g‌‌rabs h‌‌is g‌‌un, g‌‌oes i‌‌nto t‌‌he b‌‌edroom, a‌‌nd w‌‌ithout a‌‌ w‌‌ord, s‌‌hoots h‌‌is w‌‌ife.

Moments l‌‌ater t‌‌he g‌‌uy g‌‌ets a‌‌ s‌‌econd t‌‌ext: "‌‌Really s‌‌hould u‌‌se s‌‌pell c‌‌heck! T‌‌hat s‌‌hould b‌‌e 'wifi'"


----------



## kiyote

*I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about* botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy. I looked at him and thought, 
"he must be a plant."


----------



## kiyote

*Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to* Donald Trump, she would poison his coffee.
Donald said if he was married to Nancy, he'd drink it.


----------



## kiyote

*Little Johnny*

One morning, asks his teacher, "Miss Smith, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Especially if you know I didn't do it?"

Ms. Smith: "Of course not! It would be wrong, plus I'd end up getting punished! Why do you ask?"

Johnny: "Because I didn't do my homework!


----------



## kiyote

*Biden campaign strategy*

1. Replace photos of Biden in all campaign literature with photos of puppies and kittens.

2. Ask to have the election postponed by a month then force-feed Biden until he can fit into a Santa Claus suit, so he'll look the part when he promises us free this, that and the other thing.

3. Claim Biden has laryngitis from now until Election Day so what Lincoln said about fools and keeping their mouths shut won't be a problem.

4. Print $20 bills with Harriet Tubman's face on them in order to make up the difference between Biden's campaign chest and what Trump is raising.

5. Sew Biden's hands in his pockets so they won't go wandering down dresses and blouses.

6. Campaign for the electoral vote in all of Obama's 57 states.

7. Send Hunter on an indefinite foreign fact-finding trip and hope the Republicans forget about him.

8. Avoid taking the knee as much as possible so the campaign won't have to worry about getting him back up.

9. Catch Covid-19 and hope for the sympathy vote.

10. When all else fails send in BLM to burn down the polling places


----------



## kiyote

*75% of old people forgot if they think* the current candidates have dementia or not.


----------



## kiyote

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!
Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."


----------



## kiyote

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


----------



## kiyote

First dog says "I was playing ball with my owner, little Tommy. I got very excited, and accidentaly injured him. I'm here to get neutered.

Second dog says "I was on a walk with my owners, the Roberts family. Another family with an annoying dog were also there. I got very excited, and mauled their dog. I'm here to get neutered."

Third dog says "I was at home in the back yard with my owner, a single woman. It was a very hot day. She was doing yard work, wearing very little. She was on all fours. I got very excited, and mounted her right there."

"And you're here to get neutered?"

"No. I'm just getting my nails trimmed."


----------



## kiyote

*A blonde gets a job on the road department* < EyeOfFear >

2020-06-27 20:41

She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles.
The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."


----------



## kiyote

the democrat party

dumb enough to start a second civil war

because they are offended by the first one!

*Dumb enough to start another Civil War bec**The Democratic Party*

*Dumb enough to start another Civil War because they are offended by the first one.**auThe Democratic Party*

*Dumb enough to start another Civil War because they are offended by the first one.**se they are offended Ther Democratic Party*

*Dumb enough to start another Civil War because they are offended by the first one.**by the first one.*


----------



## catcapper

Man--- have you ever been so offended by something that you thought: Dang--- I need to go out and steal a big screen TV--->

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

catcapper said:


> Man--- have you ever been so offended by something that you thought: Dang--- I need to go out and steal a big screen TV--->
> 
> awprint:


sadly,once. :teeth:


----------



## glenway

People are only offended if they choose to be...GW


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> People are only offended if they choose to be...GW


I resemble that comment


----------



## kiyote




----------



## youngdon

glenway said:


> People are only offended if they choose to be...GW





kiyote said:


> I resemble that comment


Perhaps you've confused offended with offensive ? Lol

Either way it's true.


----------



## glenway

Picked up a hitch hiker this morning. Seemed like a nice enough guy. First thing, he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer. Told him not much of a chance there being two in the same car.


----------



## kiyote

some may find this offensive but I must confess,I found it to be both hilarious and sad.


----------



## youngdon

Lol. It’s only THEIR lives, not anyone else’s.


----------



## kiyote

sure makes a good case for educating! :roflmao:


----------



## kiyote

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".

The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same".


----------



## kiyote

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.


----------



## youngdon

And that’s when the fight started.


----------



## pokeyjeeper

youngdon said:


> And that's when the fight started.


Lol more like that's when his clothes got donated


----------



## murphyranch

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...


----------



## kiyote




----------



## glenway

Spellcheck strikes again. Not once, but twice! And, someone's brother in-law gave them a good deal on the sign.


----------



## glenway

Probably won't get much complaining from the tenants with this sign.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Time traveler: What are you watching?

Me: Donald Trump's inauguration

Time traveler: Senior or Junior?


----------



## glenway

They probably meant to hang it that way to attract attention. Guess it worked.


----------



## youngdon

FBI HIRES HILUIGI CLINTONELLI TO GUARD GHISLAINE MAXWELL!


----------



## glenway

?


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> ?


another case for education overhaul


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*How can you tell if being a suicide bomber* 
guarantees you blessings in the afterlife ? You have to C-4 yourself.


----------



## kiyote

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk".


----------



## catcapper

Good old country logic :cowboy:

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.


----------



## kiyote

cop: " got any ID ?"

drunk *******: "bout wut?"


----------



## catcapper

:roflmao:

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

Message to the Guy who Mugged me!

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go?s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.

Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!


----------



## kiyote

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".


----------



## kiyote

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"


----------



## kiyote

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. But, I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."

"Poof!"

And just like that... her ears were gone.


----------



## kiyote

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, both of whom are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Biden for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation


----------



## kiyote

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.
The man stands, clears this throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "That means a lot".


----------



## kiyote

Is it just my imagination

or is Nancy Pelosi looking more and more like Michael Jackson?


----------



## kiyote

My son asked me what it's like to be married

so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.


----------



## kiyote

In their later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said "I have some sad news."

"Tell me, old friend" said the faithful Tonto.

"Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer"

"Bad spirits," replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. "After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?"

"Chemo, sabe"


----------



## kiyote

James T Kirk had his annual checkup, While he was there, he asked Bones how long he thought the pandemic would last.
Bones replied, " Damnit jim ! How should I know; I'm a doctor, not a politician!"


----------



## kiyote

one who farts in church sits in their own pew?


----------



## kiyote

DEWEY, CHEATEM AND HOW
BIG CITY ATTORNEYS AT LAW


----------



## kiyote

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer's and diarrhea.

You're running, but can't remember where.


----------



## kiyote

What did the beaver find after his home was destroyed by a flood ?
Not a dam thing.


----------



## kiyote

Sometimes you are pigeon and sometimes you are the statue...


----------



## kiyote

*An old French guy goes into the confessional box*

After years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. "Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"


----------



## kiyote

*Drinking at home instead of the bar*

isn't working out. Last night, I almost asked my wife for her phone number.


----------



## kiyote

*Last year, I got a sweater for Christmas.*

I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. female would have been a plus also.


----------



## kiyote

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
Usually by overdosing, I told him.


----------



## kiyote

*What did Chelsea say-----*

When Hillary asked her if she had sex yet?
Not according to Dad!


----------



## kiyote

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons....She was Psycho and I was Logical.


----------



## kiyote

An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"


----------



## kiyote

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''


----------



## kiyote

My girlfriend told me that I need to be more affectionate.

So now, I've got two girlfriends.


----------



## kiyote

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."


----------



## kiyote

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a very large dead elephant, with a pygmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."


----------



## kiyote

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


----------



## kiyote

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."


----------



## kiyote

Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.


----------



## kiyote

If oil prices go any lower, Exxon Mobile might have to lay off some members of Congress


----------



## kiyote

*So there's an Amazon River now?*

What's next, Lake Facebook and Mount PayPal?


----------



## kiyote

If anyone actually believed the polls,

there would be no rioting.


----------



## kiyote

*Trump vs Biden*

From the oval office to a herd of reporters who hate him.
"Make America great again."

From his basement to softball questions:
"C'mon man."


----------



## glenway

*Harold's kindergarten class was on a **field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. *

*One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." *

*Harold asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" *


----------



## kiyote

Little johnny comes home and proudly

to his parents, "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing johnny! And what was the question?"

Puffing out his chest, johnny says, "Who farted?"


----------



## glenway

Not on the best terms with your neighbor? This is sure to help.


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> Not on the best terms with your neighbor? This is sure to help.





glenway said:


> THAT is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

Sure fire way to reduce your chances of dying from Covid-19 ....

Play Russian roulette.


----------



## glenway

Sign of the times.


----------



## kiyote

*Quid Pro Joe the masked candidate *


----------



## kiyote

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."


----------



## kiyote

If you've ever wondered which party you identify with, take this great test:

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those hosts with views differing from his be taken off the air.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes shopping for it, or maybe chooses a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for it.

If a Republican is unhappy with an election, he grumbles and goes to work the next day.
If a Democrat is unhappy with an election, he burns down a Starbucks, throws rocks at cops, and takes two-weeks off for therapy.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended."


----------



## kiyote

I don't know what the complaint is with USPS
My bills always show up right on time .

you'd think a guy with a mail order bride
would have a bit more respect for the US Postal Service

*If you won Powerball one day, would you mail the*

ticket in, or would you bring it in person....and why?

Remember that when you vote.


----------



## kiyote

*This is going to be the first year our family*

won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19.

Usually it's because we can't afford it.


----------



## kiyote

We should stop getting mad at lazy people....

They didn't do anything.


----------



## kiyote

"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up girls' skirts today," I told the bartender after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!"


----------



## kiyote

*If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her* type, I'd be her type.


----------



## kiyote

My girl asked me "What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight?" I said "slim to nun".

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.


----------



## kiyote

Faux Paux

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, "Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?"


----------



## kiyote

There is a new theory on the extinction of dinosaurs
> Seatbelts
From all the remains found
Not 1 was found 2 B wearing a seatbelt


----------



## kiyote

The Governor of California is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie 'Bambi' and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian&#8230;.the vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now safe.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $ 2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps going. The Governor has spent $ 0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

The Governor of California is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie 'Bambi' and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian&#8230;.the vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now safe.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $ 2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps going. The Governor has spent $ 0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.


----------



## kiyote

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on the door of a house. The door is opened by a twelve-year old boy holding a cocktail, smoking a cigar, and wearing his dad's favorite hat. The startled Jehovah's
Witness says, "Um, is your mom or dad home?
The boy replies, What the hell do you think, mister?"


----------



## kiyote

An airplane is about to crash, when a female passenger stands up and announces, "If I'am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes and shouts, Is there somebody
on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt, and says," Here, iron this!"


----------



## kiyote

After having their 11th child, a ******* couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The ******* said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


----------



## kiyote

Taylor Swift has made millions singing about her bad choices in men.

Endorses Joe Biden.


----------



## kiyote

We need to talk

( thought the caveman )


----------



## kiyote

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?

So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"

Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"

Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"

"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,

"Thats what I thought," said Ray.

"But those guys at Home Depot thought it was"


----------



## glenway

Good until the first snow.


----------



## youngdon

And after the first snow, you're forked ?


----------



## glenway

You'd get the point.


----------



## kiyote

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


----------



## knapper

good one

good one


----------



## kiyote

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!
I said, "Wow!
Then her friend said "She means 666-3629."


----------



## kiyote

Vegas starts final phase in completely opening back up to the public. Things will get back to business as usual as soon

as they are done installing sneeze guards on all the call girls.


----------



## kiyote

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


----------



## kiyote

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his

accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


----------



## kiyote

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Larry replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry:

"Larry, how is your hearing now?"

Larry says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."


----------



## glenway

My friend, Bullwinkle, has been trying to get married for some time, but the virus has thrown a monkey wrench into his plans. One thing after another, and then I get this message from him last night: "Tomorrow at 1pm I'll become Mr. Joseph Reynolds..."

My response: "Who the hell were you all these years?" The boy (I think) has me worried again.


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> My friend, Bullwinkle, has been trying to get married for some time, but the virus has thrown a monkey wrench into his plans. One thing after another, and then I get this message from him last night: "Tomorrow at 1pm I'll become Mr. Joseph Reynolds..."
> 
> My response: "Who the hell were you all these years?" The boy (I think) has me worried again.


 I worry about anyone foolish enough to want to marry. :teeth: congrats to him!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## glenway

"I worry about anyone foolish enough to want to marry."

And, I about people that worry about such things.


----------



## youngdon

Give Bullwinkle Our congrats ! Hopefully it's not Natasha.


----------



## kiyote

or rocky. not that there's anything wrong with that! :mrgreen:


----------



## kiyote

A lawyer and a doctor are at a cocktail party.

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately.

The Dr. gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

"It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?"

"Absolutely" says the lawyer. "I think it's perfectly fine."

The following week the doctor gets a bill from the attorney.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

What did socialists use before candles?

Light bulbs!


----------



## kiyote

Now that I've lived through an actual plague,

Now that I've lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked, fat people laying on couches.


----------



## youngdon

Lmao.


----------



## kiyote

Welcome to my man cave

Proctologist: Please stop calling it that


----------



## kiyote

I'm really good at managing my credit card.
My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.


----------



## kiyote

*First they came*

for the communists

And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the antifa sissies, and I did not speak out because I was not an antifa sissie.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.

Then they came for the colored folks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.

Then they came for the ********, but I did not speak out because I am not arab.

Then they came for the queers and transvestites, but I did not speak out because I am not queer.

Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.

Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.


----------



## kiyote

Dear Ann,

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers.

Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who is a democrat?


----------



## kiyote

More Pandemic Woes

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.


----------



## kiyote

*$5.00 says Biden accidentally votes for Trump*


----------



## kiyote

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl also tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy and tells him everything there is to know about protection.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy whether he would like the 3-pack or 10-pack. The boy picks the 10-pack because he thinks he will be really busy since it is his first time.

The boy shows up at the girl's house and she takes him to the dinner table where her family is sitting. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

One minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. Several more minutes pass and he shows no movement. Finally the girl leans over and whispers"I had no idea you were so religious"

The boy whispers back" I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'


----------



## youngdon

Awwwkwaard


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Awwwkwaard


doesn't have to be . maybe mommy an daddy are swingers.


----------



## kiyote

Doctor: "Take this medicine with food."

African kid: ( cries )


----------



## kiyote

I told my Japanese ophthalmologist I thought I had a cataract.
He said, "Those are nice cars, but I still like my Rincoln."


----------



## kiyote

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."


----------



## kiyote

*Joe Biden walks into a bar* and sees a pretty, young blonde chick. He sits down next to her and says

"So, do I come here often?"


----------



## kiyote

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.

"What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."


----------



## kiyote

Libs claim to support human rights and equal opportunities for people with mental and physical disabilities.

But they claim that the man in the White House is physically and mentally disabled and all they do is whine and cry about it.


----------



## kiyote

Bear walks into a bar and sees a woman smoking a cig and sipping straight whiskey.
This pisses him off, so he mauls her and eats her. Then he pulls up a stool and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve drug addicts."
The bear says, "What? I don't do drugs."
"What about that bar-bitch-you-ate?" says the bartender


----------



## kiyote

*I was in bed with this ******* girl when all of*

sudden her father, brother, and boyfriend burst into the room..............and boy was he mad !


----------



## kiyote

AOC is pretty upset with the Electoral College!
She can't find out how much tuition is.

I keep hearing about a serious coin shortage here in the USA.
I guess maybe you could say this country is lacking in common cents...


----------



## youngdon

AOC want to convert the Electoral college to solar....


----------



## kiyote

Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.


----------



## knapper

That one is as old as the hills but, good one.


----------



## kiyote

*A first grade teacher* < DamnedRedneck >

2020-09-23 08:30

is bringing her class in from recess.

Teacher: "Jimmy, what did you do outside?"

Jimmy: "I played in the sandbox"

Teacher: "Wonderful! If you can spell "sand", you will get a cookie!

What did you do Sally?"

Sally: "I played in the sandbox with Jimmy."

Teacher: "Fantastic! If you can spell "box", you will get a cookie!

rastus, what did you do?"

rastus: "I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Sally and Jimmy wouldn't let me because I am black."

Teacher: "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can spell blatant racial discrimination..."


----------



## kiyote

*Why do blmers*

wear designer clothes, talk on expensive smart phones, and drive Cadillacs, but live in the ghetto?

Because it's hard to steal a house.


----------



## kiyote

*I just spent 20 min watching my dog chase* his tail and wondered how he was so easily entertained. Then I realized I just spent 20 min watching my dog chase his tail


----------



## kiyote

not really a joke but had a conversation with a guy yesterday who claims to believe in the first and second amendment but still insists on voting democrat.

it is a sad but also truly comical stance.

I simply can not understand the reasoning.

from the conversation I think it mainly comes down to voting for who they like or dislike over who will stand for the issues they support.

personally ,I would rather vote for a dirtbag who upholds and fights for my ideals , then a decent man who would not.

the truly funny thing is , he doesn't even have the "decent" man to vote for???????????


----------



## kiyote

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night

The EU now has 1 GB of free space.

A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged


----------



## kiyote

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,

"As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow. There's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


----------



## kiyote

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible."

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."


----------



## kiyote

My mom was a psychiatrist and my dad was a proctologist. They specialized in odds and ends.


----------



## kiyote

If biden went to prison

would he be able to finish his sentence?


----------



## kiyote

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you've had sex, she means with your spouse.

Learn from my mistakes.


----------



## kiyote

*I would like to tell you a joke about covid*

but 99% of you won't get it....


----------



## kiyote

*How do you get out of San Francisco?*

Go straight...


----------



## kiyote

biden with his entourage in tow

was campaigning in a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the Mayor.. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

biden whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"Well sir, we have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountain


----------



## kiyote

*AOC is livid at Trump for banning Tic Toc*

"How is America going to tell time?"


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *How do you get out of San Francisco?*
> 
> Go straight...


Judging by who they elect to public office I believe you can now turn right also.


----------



## kiyote

A guy on the Oregon Trail made a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw. 
He died of dissin' Terry.


----------



## kiyote

*For my girlfriend's birthday last year*

I bought her a lovely burial plot, in a historic cemetery

This year, she's bitching at me for not buying her a birthday present

I kindly reminded her that she still hasn't used the present I bought her last year..


----------



## kiyote

*If dealing with Covid isn't political*

Why are so many democrats cheering Trump got it?


----------



## kiyote

*A young pastor*

was invited over to the home of one of the churchwomen for dinner. He happened to know she was a very bad housekeeper, but was otherwise nice and a member in good standing of his church. He accepted.

Dinner was served and sure enough, he noticed that the plates and silverware seemed less than clean. But he said nothing, and the food was good. Finally, after dinner, he did ask about the condition of the dinnerware as the lady cleared the table.

"Those plates and bowls--were they clean?"

She said: "Yes, as clean as soap and water can get them."

She took the plates into the kitchen. Then he heard her: "Here Soap! Here Water!"


----------



## knapper

I have heard up here that that was true in some places.


----------



## catcapper

I'm the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing piece chocolate that I ate.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

catcapper said:


> I'm the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing piece chocolate that I ate.
> 
> awprint:


 me to but the funny thing is, she never wants it when it turns up the next day???????


----------



## kiyote

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I told him, "My dogs don't even own bikes."


----------



## kiyote

"Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Teresa?"

"Well son, your mom loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter"

"Got it, thanks Dad."

"Anytime, Alan."


----------



## kiyote

I was going to post some oil jokes.....

But they're just too crude.


----------



## kiyote

*Joe Biden says he will create jobs. :roflmao:*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Secret Service agents did catch the fly that*

landed on the VP's head during the debates.

They had their forensic team analyze the fly to make sure it was not a drone.

As they were looking through the microscope, they realized it was Jeff Goldblum.

those who get this are over the hill and approaching the bottom.


----------



## kiyote

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"


----------



## kiyote

Mexican Word of The Day!~

"Believing!"

"Senor Trump will NOT Believing the White House in 2020"


----------



## kiyote

And the lord

Said unto John "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came in fifth and won a toaster


----------



## kiyote

great pickup line

Hey, wanna go halfsies on a bastard?


----------



## kiyote

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?"

He: "Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way..."

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?"

He: "Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way..."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

AOC thinks her IP address is the address her restroom is at.


----------



## kiyote

My cousin is so poor, when she couldn't pay for her exorcism, they repossessed her.


----------



## catcapper

Anyone who has worked cattle knows why we eat them.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"Where do you think you're going?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"


----------



## kiyote

*What's one advantage of electing a woman*

president? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

oh no he didn!!!!!!!!!!!!! :runforhills:


----------



## kiyote

THE FUTURE WE HAVE LEFT OUR CHILDREN

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


----------



## kiyote

Mr Ed was getting long in the tooth, so Wilbur got him a life-alert collar to wear. Sure enough, Mr Ed fell down, and called out "help me, wilbur! I've fallen and i can't giddy-up!


----------



## kiyote

the dad said,"Let's go climb Mt Everest"

The son replied, "Sher pa"


----------



## kiyote

"A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison."
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Maricopa County, Arizona


----------



## kiyote

*New York Times best seller:*

"Living in Polygamy"
- by Sharon Peters


----------



## kiyote

*Trump's getting briefed by his campaign manager:*

Trump's getting briefed by his campaign manager:

"I haven't seen your poll numbers this bad, since you won the 2016 election, sir!"


----------



## kiyote

Planning Ahead

This year, I'm going to save money on Christmas gifts,

by bringing up politics during Thanksgiving dinner.


----------



## kiyote

Another story from my life

I asked my dad, "Why did you give me the name Achilles?"

He said, "Because you broke through the Trojan wall."


----------



## kiyote

What's a drunk's favorite kind of skis?

Brew-skis


----------



## kiyote

What do you give a depressed vampire to drink?

B-possitive


----------



## kiyote

Voting for Biden because you don't like Trump is like eating dog turd because you don't like broccoli.


----------



## kiyote

This is the most important election of our lifetime....until the next election anyway.


----------



## kiyote

A tourist walked into a Chinese souvenir shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag but was so incredibly striking, the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story." said the wise old China man.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The much relieved man stood silently to contemplate what he had just witnessed.

The man walked back to the souvenir shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician."


----------



## glenway

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."


----------



## kiyote

Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at
him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The
teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting
very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and
ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.
Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school
and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac
disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart
surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young
doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to
thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she
raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in
order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high
likelihood that you voted for Biden.


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

A jealous husband hires a private detective to
check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than written report: he wants movies of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man!

He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "No, I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"


----------



## kiyote

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.


----------



## kiyote

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


----------



## glenway

Apparently, Father Knows Best.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## knapper

That is what I tell people all of the time is you only nee a .22 to slow the other guy down. You ought to see some of the looks I get.


----------



## kiyote

lol . I am sure it's right up there with .............. if yer gunna hit yer wife ,hit her in the back of the head. no woman wants to shave her head to show the bruise. :naughty: :nut:


----------



## kiyote

Those who spent the last four years convinced there was election interference,

Are now saying there's no way the election could be rigged.

Now that's funny!


----------



## kiyote

One thing is for sure

Democrats know how to make hockey stick graphs


----------



## kiyote

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he agreed to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."


----------



## kiyote

TAKEN 4GRANTED

*Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated*

after saving his family.


----------



## kiyote

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"


----------



## glenway

What does an Italian call a mortgage banker?

Give up?

Loana Ranger


----------



## youngdon

Now that you mentioned the" loan arranger "

In Navajo, on the other hand, "kemosabe" translates as "soggy shrub." If this seems an odd thing for faithful friend Tonto to call the Lone Ranger, perhaps he was just repaying the Ranger's long-standing insult. "Tonto," after all, is a Spanish word meaning "stupid."


----------



## glenway

Deep, man.


----------



## kiyote

thas wa she sayed !!!!!!!! :getrdone:


----------



## kiyote

*At the gym today*

I overheard this guy talking to a blonde and asked her if she wanted to hear a blonde joke.

The woman said, 'I'm 6'2" and working out here for my body building competition.'

She continued, 'that woman over there is my friend. She's 6'5", blonde and is a champion UFC fighter' and
'That women next to her is 6'" 4", blonde and is US Kickboxing champion, do you stlll want to say the joke?'

The guy pauses and says, 'not if I have to explain it three times.'


----------



## catcapper

:doh:

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle. Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.


----------



## youngdon

Liberal


----------



## kiyote

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!"

POOF!

All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.

The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"

The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"

The genie answered, "Yes!"

The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."


----------



## kiyote

*Black Friday Sale*

100,000 extra Biden Ballots. Made in China


----------



## knapper

What did the bison say when his son left for college? Bi-Son!


----------



## kiyote

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!"

"Everything is big in Texas," says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!"

The bartender replies, "Everything is big in Texas."

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right," says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, "Don't flush, don't flush!"


----------



## kiyote

Last night I had a nightmare that I was stuck inside a truck's tailpipe.
I woke up exhausted...

I believe in true love. And if a dove is a bird of peace. Then what is a bird of true love?
A swallow...?


----------



## glenway

The king asked the royal weather forecaster to give him the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist guaranteed there was no rain pending.

So, the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with
a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He
is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential cold rain fell from the sky. The King
and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious
position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain"

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential
positions of government.


----------



## kiyote

What do you do when your dishwasher stops workin ?
You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

How do you know you're wife's dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.


----------



## kiyote

*What do you do with a chemist who is ill?*

First you try to helium, then you try to curium, but if this fails then you have to barium.


----------



## kiyote

*I'm having Thanksgiving with my wife and sister*

First time it'll just be the two of us.


----------



## kiyote

Apparently there is a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain.

In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...


----------



## kiyote

I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.


----------



## kiyote

no joke................

HAPPY thanksgiving to all the PT!


----------



## kiyote

*My mother-in-law said she wanted to die a* natural death.......................so I dropped her off in the jungle.


----------



## kiyote

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


----------



## kiyote

My teachers told me

I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"


----------



## kiyote

*A rich man died of a drug overdose.*

The headline read: Pills Bury Dough Boy


----------



## kiyote

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn't know I existed.


----------



## kiyote

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."


----------



## kiyote

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."


----------



## fr3db3ar

kiyote said:


> Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."


I saw this with the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## youngdon

fr3db3ar said:


> I saw this with the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


I read it with Batman and Robin. 
I read it that way to my Granddaughter Robin, then I always remind her that I lobbied her parents to name her brother Batman. 
She laughs every time then tells her brother ( Sam) who calls and he tells their Mom who always calls too, even if we have talked earlier that day. I know they are on to me but I do it anyway, just so they know I'm not senile and still love them so much.


----------



## kiyote

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his widow."

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his f*cking widow."


----------



## kiyote

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."


----------



## kiyote

My wife complains that I sit around all day

doing nothing. I won't stand for it.


----------



## kiyote

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.


----------



## fr3db3ar

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*An older white haired man*

walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


----------



## glenway

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had before the frying pan gave me that lump?"


----------



## kiyote

A man is standing at a corner waiting on a light to change, when a man walks up and ask, " does your dog bite?" No, the man says, my dog never bites,
So the man who walked up reached down to pet the dog sitting by the man's feet.
Then the dog aggressively bit the man's hand!
Angry, the man says I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!??
To which the other man replied, my dog never bites, thats not my dog.....


----------



## kiyote

my dad passed away a few weeks ago . he needed a blood transfusion and we didn't know his blood type.
his last words to me was be positive . be positive .

I am trying but it is really hard with him gone.


----------



## kiyote

This guy was bleeding profusely, so I got out my first-aid manual and it said to apply direct pressure. 
So I told the guy, "If you don't stop that bleeding soon, you're gonna die."


----------



## kiyote

Two guys are out hiking when, suddenly, one gets bit in the groin by a rattlesnake!

The other guy calls 9-1-1 on his cell phone, and gets a doctor on the line.
The doctor says, 'don't worry, just suck the venom out with your mouth, and he'll be fine.'
The guy hangs up, and his buddy asks, 'what did he say?'
The caller says, 'I'm sorry, but you're not going to make it.'


----------



## kiyote

the media asking us to believe there was no election fraud takes me back to the days they asked us to believe in the "magic bullet" theory.

yet it must be true .... they are "honoreable" men/women!


----------



## kiyote

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with our mechanic. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


----------



## kiyote

The seven ages of man

spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.


----------



## kiyote

Snow isn't a problem in Muslim countries......but Isis.


----------



## kiyote

*I still haven't started back at work due to*

building being shut down late last month. Money is very tight so I told my kids that Santa didn't make it thru the pandemic.

Saved big time.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A guy in Boston tried to get a deal on a sled.....but first he had toboggan.


----------



## kiyote

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"


----------



## kiyote

*Bill Cosby was awarded another honorary degree*

from Boston University. It was in Anesthesiology.


----------



## catcapper

Apparently, walking around Walmart with Alka-seltzer in my mouth yelling "THE VACCINE ISNT WORKING" isn't funny.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

*Recent Survey*

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

Five percent said it was to get a glass of water.

Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom.

Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

*Recent Survey* < retiredman2 >

2020-12-21 15:06

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

Five percent said it was to get a glass of water.

Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom.

Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.


----------



## fr3db3ar

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.
  

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

As a virile man, I avoid wearing pink or anything too feminine. That's why my bra and panties are always black.


----------



## kiyote

why does santa always have a smile on his face?

he knows where all the naughty girls live!


----------



## kiyote

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.


----------



## kiyote

This time of year brings out fond memories of when we were children.

I had a wonderful childhood.

I remember my father would let us sit in the center of his old used snow tires and then he would roll them down the big hill on our property while we screamed with delight

Those were goodyears.

Wish you all a very merry Christmas!


----------



## kiyote

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


----------



## knapper

What do you hang over a baby snow mans crib?

A snow mobile.


----------



## kiyote

I just finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"
"No," I said. "It's to look at."

I just finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"
"No," I said. "It's to look at."


----------



## kiyote

In the year 2020 the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the

Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it.


----------



## youngdon

Truth !


----------



## kiyote

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

What do I do with the letters?

*Last night we had chili for dinner.*

It was a silent, but deadly night.


----------



## youngdon

Is it just me, or does anyone else get the irony of singing silent night.....


----------



## hassell

youngdon said:


> Is it just me, or does anyone else get the irony of singing silent night.....


 That's the one I suggest a room full of out of control kids sing.


----------



## kiyote

*Why Men Wear Earrings*

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."


----------



## kiyote

*Some nice Chinese couple*

gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn't really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.


----------



## kiyote

Q. How do you circumcise a whale?
A. Send down four skin divers


----------



## kiyote

My wife sent me a couple of nude photos yesterday.

I am starting to think that me texting her back "which mole are you worried about" might have been a mistake.


----------



## kiyote

William Shatner tried to start a line of female underwear, unfortunately "Shatner Panties" never quite caught on.


----------



## kiyote

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service.

Thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers.


----------



## kiyote

An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger.

A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer.

The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything.

The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."


----------



## kiyote

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?


----------



## kiyote

A wife reports, "My husband, not happy with my mood swings bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead."


----------



## kiyote

While in flight an engine on the airplane sputters to a stop.

The captain comes over the intercom. "Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".

A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again the captain comes on the intercom. "Attention passengers We are continuing to have minor technical issues with our engines but we have two fully functional engines and will now be an hour late to our destination."

Passengers begin to grumble but hope for the best. Then the third engine also stops and very quickly the captain comes over the intercom. "Attention passengers we are down to one engine and are looking for and open runway to land for maintenance"

A blonde passengers stands up and says "Thank God that fourth engine didn't go otherwise we would be stuck up here all day".


----------



## glenway

Truth


----------



## kiyote

The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems."
I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"


----------



## kiyote

*From the News*

After Wednesday's events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.


----------



## kiyote

It's weird being the same age as old people.


----------



## kiyote

Seeking the woman of my dreams. Must love the outdoors, camping, hunting and fishing. Must have a boat.
Send picture of the boat.


----------



## kiyote

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can't read any of it.

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.
The plumber told me.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## glenway

Return on Investment.


----------



## kiyote

One man says to another, :"My wife is an angel".

Other man: "You are so lucky, mine is still alive."


----------



## glenway

Solid guarantee.


----------



## kiyote

Why doesn't Joe Biden visit children with cancer ?

Because he can't sniff their hair.


----------



## kiyote

A blond and her husband were in bed, but couldn't sleep, because the neighbor's dog was barking, and barking. Finally, the blond got out of bed, and said, "I'm going to fix this."

She came back to bed in a while, and her husband said, "what did you do - I can still hear the dog barking?"

The blond said, "I put the dog in OUR back yard, let's see how THEY like it"


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

I went to watch a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing; I never saw her lips move once.


----------



## kiyote

I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, or talented, funny or athletic.
I forgot where I was going with this but I do know that I like bacon.


----------



## kiyote

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, imbibing a few shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him, smiles, and then says, "Not anymore! He is!"


----------



## kiyote

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


----------



## kiyote

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.


----------



## kiyote

Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy.

Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"

Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"

Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"

"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.

But the next day, she comes home with another bag of candy.

Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"

"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any panties!"


----------



## kiyote

old as the tree..........

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


----------



## kiyote

if electricity always follows the path of

least resistance, why doesn't lightning only happen in france?


----------



## kiyote

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and thinks to himself, "That man originally only wanted one watermelon. But he bought three instead just so he could tell me how I should run my business."


----------



## kiyote

As I was leaving my apartment today, my neighbor was leaving too.

She looked at me in disgust (sadly...not unusual) and said, 'You know that we can hear you when you are having sex some mornings. You moan very loudly with 10 minutes of heavy breathing and ridiculous grunting at the end. We have young children you know! How about being considerate of your neighbors".

She abruptly turned and walked away.

I was upset by what she said to me because I didn't know I was THAT noisy.

And I was even more upset because that's just me putting on my shoes and socks in the morning.


----------



## kiyote

A Londoner, a Jewish man, was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

"So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"


----------



## kiyote

My wife is plagued by chronic debilitating migraine headaches. Numerous doctors and procedures have done nothing to ameliorate her symptoms. She's in the bedroom with the lights off crying right now.

Well, enough about her.....back to my tuba and drum practice.


----------



## kiyote

When wearing a bikini, a woman reveal 90 % of her body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


----------



## glenway

A lady goes into the butcher shop and, as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue on the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically, while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs, however."


----------



## kiyote

very telling.........

Biden supporters never post anything pro Biden.

All they do is post anti Trump rhetoric.

the jokes on us


----------



## kiyote

*A wife sent her husband a romantic text message&#8230;*

She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

Her husband texted back: "I'm on the toilet, please advise."


----------



## kiyote

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## kiyote

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."


----------



## kiyote

The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.


----------



## kiyote

*I heard boomerangs are coming back.*


----------



## youngdon




----------



## knapper

youngdon said:


> A399129E-C646-4297-8ADA-1070B651C809.jpeg


I like this one.


----------



## kiyote

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:
I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:
I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...


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## youngdon

Yeah, I scrolled down.


----------



## kiyote

Communist jokes aren't funny

unless everyone gets them


----------



## kiyote

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


----------



## kiyote

Why were baseball stadiums so hot this season?

No fans.


----------



## murphyranch

Husband says to wife " bet you can't piss me off and make me happy in one sentence".
Wife says " your pecker is bigger than your brothers"

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

Lol


----------



## kiyote

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which probably allows you about another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."


----------



## kiyote

TAMPA, FL-Though they had been trailing in the Super Bowl throughout most of the first quarter, the Kansas City Chiefs were suddenly awarded 138,000 points at halftime, sources confirmed Sunday evening.

"After closer examination, we discovered several more points scored by the Chiefs that we had missed initially," said one official. "Sometimes these things show up in the instant replay footage."

After receiving the exciting news, the halftime show transitioned into a victory celebration for the winning team.

"We hope this small irregularity doesn't undermine your faith in our officiating," said an NFL spokesperson.


----------



## kiyote

Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved? Its natural beauty was unpresidented.


----------



## kiyote

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he remembers you!"


----------



## kiyote

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than their current life? If you lived in the Middle East, you would KNOW why.

muslims are promised 72 virgins...

but ya gotta ask yourself why they are still virgins??????????????????

besides .......after 71 virgins , yer gunna want a pro!


----------



## kiyote

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."


----------



## kiyote

*There is no better karate instructor than*

walking into a spiderweb face first.


----------



## knapper

kiyote said:


> *There is no better karate instructor than*
> 
> walking into a spiderweb face first.


Been there and done that in many places.


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *There is no better karate instructor than*
> 
> walking into a spiderweb face first.


Truth


----------



## kiyote

The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, tired, and need to pee too often.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Democrats' second attempt to impeach Donald Trump has failed once again, resulting in Trump being reinstated as President. Joe Biden must now step down as President and leave the Oval Office immediately.

"That son of a gun has done it again!" muttered Joe Biden to himself as he began to clean out his desk. "I thought we had him the second time for sure. Now I've gotta clean out the place right in the middle of nap time!"

Trump's motorcade was spotted pulling up outside the White House moments after the Senate voted and confirmed his acquittal. Trump was eager to return and wasted no time in getting back to work and reversing all of Biden's executive orders.

"Your favorite President has returned, everyone! Totally exonerated and better than ever!" announced President Trump before reentering the White House.

At publishing time there was a great cry of all of the libs screaming 'NOOOOOOO!' in unison. Sources expect this will continue until Trump's next impeachment.
https://babylonbee.com/news/impeachm...d-as-president


----------



## kiyote

If I worked in a restaurant....

on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.


----------



## kiyote

TAMPA, FL-Sarah Thomas, the first female referee to officiate in a Super Bowl, threw a flag on a play in the second quarter but refused to say what was wrong.

"Penalty, on the offense -- you know what, never mind. It's fine," she said after throwing a flag on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

"Wait -- what'd I do wrong?" asked Tom Brady indignantly.

"Nothing. I said it was fine," she said, folding her arms.

"It doesn't seem like it's fine. You threw a flag!" Brady responded.

She shrugged and turned away. "No, it's totally fine. Go and play football with your friends. It's fine."

Play proceeded without any consequences, though she glared bitterly at Brady throughout the next few plays.

Meanwhile, the male referees displayed their toxic masculinity by awarding extra yards for players who exhibited unnecessary roughness and also giving them a manly chest bump and a "right on, bro."


----------



## kiyote

A man is asked by his colleagues to go bungee-jumping.

He declines saying, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."


----------



## kiyote

"Can I join the army?"

"No, you're 5"
"Can I get drunk?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I go to the shooting range?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I drive the car?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I take hormone therapy and permanently change my body to be more like a boy?"
"Sure, you know best, we'll book the Dr.".


----------



## glenway

Words to the wise


----------



## kiyote

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Swarm


----------



## catcapper

*


----------



## kiyote

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."


----------



## kiyote

*My bulimic next door neighbor was making so much*

noise last night, I banged on the wall and shouted, ""For god's sake, keep it down !"


----------



## kiyote

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
"Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".
"Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled.
"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!"
"So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor.
"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

My wife visited our neighbor's home last week and fell in love with the crown molding they had in their dining room. She said that Clarence (husband of Lois the next door neighbor) had done the job in just one afternoon.

My wife said that it was beautiful and insisted we needed to have crown molding in our dining room too. So, I purchased $875 worth of imported cherry crown molding from a Home Interior Design shop. I bought the 16' lengths to make the purchase and transportation as difficult as possible.

After a series of practice cuts I was able to successfully generate a total of 43 pieces of the most expensive kindling for our fireplace. I decided I should give Clarence a call.

Clarence is a particle physicist. In physics graduate school, rocket science is what the slower students do. The smart ones tackle particle physics and build neutrino observatories. And the really smart ones attempt to figure out the geometry of crown molding.

So during my phone call to Clarence, I asked him about his calculations for the cuts. Clarence told me, "Oh, that's easy. One of the angles is the arctan of the tangent of 45 degrees, divided by the square root of 2."

This is not the sort of thing you want to say to someone who is operating an electric saw. I think Clarence realized I was having a little difficulty following his 'simple' calculations. He said, 'on your miter saw you will see markings for 31.6 degrees and 35.3 degrees and then explained how they relate to the angles to be cut".

I can't thank Clarence enough for saving my sanity, and probably several of my fingers. And, I'd like shake the hand of the designer who knew that those numbers had better be put on miter saws, or there was a real good chance that some home handyman was going to snap, and use the miter saw for evil, instead of good.

So remember my main tips for installing crown molding:

1. Don't do it.
2. Never, ever let your wife visit anybody.
3. Call Clarence for tips 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He'll even tell you what an arctan is


----------



## kiyote

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's seven.


----------



## kiyote

At my job interview

he asks 'what is your biggest weakness'...?

I told him, 'That would probably be my honesty'.

He says, 'I don't consider honesty as a weakness'.

I naturally respond with, " I don't give a crap what you think?"


----------



## kiyote

How do you get down off an elephant? You don't,

you get it off a duck.


----------



## kiyote

This made me laugh

30 Taliban militants killed during bomb-making class in mosque when bomb accidentally explodes

The Afghan army said the blast was so powerful the militants could not be identified from the remains.

survivors are reported to be petitioning to get the 40 virgins changed to 20 virgins and 20 pros.


----------



## kiyote

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


----------



## kiyote

Why couldn't Elizabeth Warren get a table

she did not have a reservation....


----------



## kiyote

Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?


----------



## kiyote

*The weakest part of Tiger's game is driving. *


----------



## kiyote

the future of this nation looks bright.


----------



## kiyote

*My drug dealer sold me the best drug ever. I*

never heard of it before but he called it placebo


----------



## murphyranch

.
















Sent from my LG-H700 using Tapatalk


----------



## knapper

Murph, that picture will give bad dreams for at least a month!!


----------



## kiyote

that is 50 shades of wrong!


----------



## kiyote

good news is murph just cured me of my porn addiction forever!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters, the local sheriff's deputy scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, just about closing time a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

After about 20 minutes most of the other deer hunters had left and then the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.

He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.

The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."


----------



## kiyote

Roses are red & violets are blue.....

Trump's been acquitted not one time.....but two..


----------



## catcapper

A fella from down in the desert asked me the other day what I did with my left over bacon---- >>>. I didn't know there was such a thing.

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

*Irony: When they cremate firemen.*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated DVDs, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these DVDs and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that DVDs such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the DVD?


----------



## kiyote

A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously, she asks a crew member 'Just how far away from land are we?'

Calmly, he reassures her 'You have nothing to worry about Ma'am, we're only 2 miles from land.'

Relieved, she inquires 'Oh, in which direction?'

'That would be straight down', he replies.


----------



## kiyote

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins every day on their walk home.

After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn't have a smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins." The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"

"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.


----------



## kiyote

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.


----------



## kiyote

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.


----------



## fr3db3ar

Guy: doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always use protection. How can that be?
Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carries a gun wherever he goes. One day he takes an umbrella instead. A lion suddenly jumps out in front of him. In order to scare the lion he holds the umbrella like a gun and shoots the lion. The lion died.
Guy: NONSENSE!! Someone else must've shot the lion.
Doctor: glad you understood the story.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

New footage of the JFK assassination has emerged

Turns out it was Elvis on the grassy knoll.


----------



## kiyote

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.

You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!

See you in a week


----------



## kiyote

Father: "Son, will you follow in my footsteps escorting climbers up Mt. Everest?"
Son: "Sher pa."


----------



## kiyote

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $800: $400 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,800."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $800: $400 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,800."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.


----------



## kiyote

A cannibal vomits after after his meal.....

( You really can't keep a good man down )


----------



## kiyote

Going to Church in Chicago
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."
Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right ---
My car was gone !


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## kiyote

*Medical school exam taken by a ********

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labor Pain - Hurt at Work .

8. Liposuction - A French Kiss .

9. Ultrasound - Radical Sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.

10. Cardiology - Advanced Study of Playing Cards .....

11. Dyspepsia : difficulty in drinking Pepsi.

12.Chicken Pox- A Non-Veg. continental dish.

13.CT Scan: Test for identifying person's
city

14.Radiology- the study of how Radio works

15.Parotitis : information about the parrots.

16. Urology: the study of European people


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## kiyote

*Two American tourists viewing the Colosseum:*

Tourist 1: "Look how huge and majestic it is."

Tourist 2: "Just imagine how great it will be when they finish it !"


----------



## kiyote

I became confused when I heard the word service" used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.

I became confused when I heard the word service" used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.


----------



## kiyote

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiosity, what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."

The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.


----------



## kiyote

*911, What Is Your Emergency?*

"I was watching Loony Tunes and Elmer Fudd Had a gun."


----------



## kiyote

A minister and a rabbit go into a bar. The barman asks the rabbit what he wants.

The rabbit says "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect".


----------



## kiyote

Biden will NEVER get my guns.

I keep them upstairs.


----------



## catcapper

:roflmao:

awprint:


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## kiyote

it's funny how we all sleep differently

i sleep on my side, my roomer sleeps on her back
my ex sleeps with everyone


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## kiyote

The old Elementary School Principal made it a practice to visit each class room one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only13".


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## kiyote

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to a pair of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant again!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome.

"You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me."

"I'm not thanking you," says the woman. "I just want you to blow out that candle."


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## kiyote

First day she reads the roster and says "Johnny, if you had a rabbit and I gave you a rabbit, how many rabbits would you have?"

Johnny: 16

Teacher: I can see you don't know much about math.

Johnny: I can see you don't know much about rabbits.


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## kiyote

The other day my wife told me some woman at work called her fat.

I told her "Honey, don't fight with her about it. Just be the bigger person."

I should be out of the hospital in a few days.


----------



## kiyote

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinals.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas A & M and they taught us not to piss on our hands."


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## youngdon




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## glenway

They've been propping the ol' boy up all along but I haven't figured out how they get his lips coordinated with the audio piped in.


----------



## kiyote

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?


----------



## kiyote

glenway said:


> They've been propping the ol' boy up all along but I haven't figured out how they get his lips coordinated with the audio piped in.


technology is grand!!!!

or maybe jeff dunham has his hand up bidens butt????????????


----------



## kiyote

My g/f told me she has an orgasm every time she sneezes.
I asked "What are you taking for it?"
She said "pepper"


----------



## kiyote

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."


----------



## kiyote

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died appear before God.

God ask each one what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."

"Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." Then God asked, "Doberman, what do you believe in?"

The Doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."

"Aha," said God, "you may sit on my left."

Then God looked at the cat and asked, "And what do you believe in?"

"I believe," replied the cat, "that you are sitting in my seat."

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died appear before God.

God ask each one what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."

"Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." Then God asked, "Doberman, what do you believe in?"

The Doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."

"Aha," said God, "you may sit on my left."

Then God looked at the cat and asked, "And what do you believe in?"

"I believe," replied the cat, "that you are sitting in my seat."


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## youngdon

Stupid cat !


----------



## kiyote

I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he'll just have to mow around me. I'm not moving.


----------



## kiyote

I got my 3rd covid jab today

The nurse asked , what are you doing back here? You've already had 2 covid shots.

I replied I'm trying to get ahead of Faucci on this one....


----------



## kiyote

Mom, I'm getting married

Mom: To whom, dear.

Girl: Mike the mailman.

Mom: He could be your father.

Girl: Age doesn't matter, mom.

Mom: I don't think you understood.


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## kiyote

*Detroit Math Test* < retiredman2 >

2021-04-02 13:27

NAME______________________________

STREET NAME_________________________

1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?

3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??**

6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint?

7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week's salary?

9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?


----------



## kiyote

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: "Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?"
-
"No", she replies sleepily.
-
"I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers!" 
-
Emily replies groans: "Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!"


----------



## kiyote

*if liars pants really caught on fire*

the news would be a lot more fun to watch


----------



## kiyote

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money.


----------



## kiyote

In America, police dogs are K-9.

In China, dogs are E-10.


----------



## kiyote

*Last Night*

A naked man broke into the church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.


----------



## fr3db3ar

$15 per Hour. Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious..So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?"

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## SWAMPBUCK10PT

*GOOD ONE FRED-----LOL-SO TRUE * :biggrin:


----------



## catcapper

:roflmao: Gotta give Fred some points for that one.

awprint:


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## kiyote

:roflmao:


----------



## hassell

I love it.


----------



## fr3db3ar

Facebook special.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."


----------



## kiyote

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a some help for the swelling. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?"

The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"

The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."

To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"


----------



## kiyote

Handicap Parking
Today I had to go to the store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.
The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Bernie Sanders bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!


----------



## kiyote




----------



## fr3db3ar

When a crawfish looks at a lobster what do they see? 
A body builder? A model? 
Do they worship them as gods? 
I need answers.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

*"You don't need 30 round to hunt."*

True... but our forefathers didn't write the 2nd amendment because the deer were coming.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

political affiliations aside.................. is this really one of our best and brightest????????????????????????????????????


----------



## kiyote

I tried crop-dusting at Walmart, and it failed

Everyone there stunk worse than I did.


----------



## kiyote

Breaking News!
in lew of new voter restrictions
The Devil has announced that his fiddle contest will no longer be held in Georgia.


----------



## youngdon

A rare picture of a stork delivering a baby


----------



## kiyote

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Chuck and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in his right hand and Chuck's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued&#8230; "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."


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## kiyote

youngdon said:


> 6918C88E-0CED-4B3E-B419-4FFF9D1BAD84.jpeg
> 
> A rare picture of a stork delivering a baby


wow! that stork was probably happy to dump that load! :mrgreen:


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## kiyote

*Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Trump*

*she'd poison his coffee,

Trump said if he was married
to her he'd drink it!*


----------



## kiyote

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*What do you call a one-wheeled cycle for*

castrated men? A eunuchcycle


----------



## kiyote

*Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?*

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.


----------



## kiyote

*Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar,*

when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‟That little gal is havin' a bad time. I am a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ‟Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, ‟Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ‟Ya know, it is sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."


----------



## kiyote

*My wife told me to take a spider out instead* of killing it.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.


----------



## glenway

Not unless you're faster than a speeding bullet.


----------



## kiyote

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.


----------



## kiyote

went into the local grocery store yesterday to buy beer. the gal at the checkout asked me ," got any ID?????"

in a slow drawl ,I answered , "bought wut"?"

took her a full minute to get the joke and even then she never cracked a smile. guess I aren't as funny as I think I are.


----------



## kiyote

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00
to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm
always willing to help out friends and family. I told her
to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.

Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin
was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that
the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend
out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00
because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her
to come and get the money.

A couple of hours later, I get a call from Jail It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!


----------



## kiyote

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is --

If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..


----------



## kiyote

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery last

night and said, "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk through with me?"

I said, "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.


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## kiyote

*My neighbor with big titties is doing yardwork*

*I wish his wife would do the same.*


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## kiyote

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I ? I don't even know her.

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"
"No. Is he any good?"


----------



## kiyote

*I encountered a milf at a bar last night*

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opens her door

turn on the light

and she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake？"


----------



## kiyote

Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than

monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.


----------



## kiyote

I was digging in our garden last night when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run into the house and tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.


----------



## kiyote

A man boarded an airplane with six kids.

After they get settled in their seats, a

woman sitting across the aisle, leans

over to him and asks " Are all of those kids yours?"

He replies "No. I work for a condom company

and these are customer complaints."


----------



## fr3db3ar

A study shows that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a season.

Another study showed that golfers drink on average 22 gallons of beer a season.

Which means golfers on average get 41 miles to the gallon.

Kinda makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.


----------



## catcapper

Hey Joe--- I think it would be less confusing if you would just turn the teleprompter around and let us read it ourselves.

awprint:


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## kiyote

what ? um ,er oh. back in the day . come on man! give me a break. damn hair smell good!


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## kiyote

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -"Where you're from $5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper. "


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## kiyote

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don
like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each
other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to
cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat
you up good,
yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge
across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife,
Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go
over der an beat up dat Clarence like you
say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see
a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back
home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout
beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on
dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'
You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across
de bayou."


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## kiyote

Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever

Amen


----------



## kiyote

A tourist lady is visiting an old west town and runs into a cowboy. Curious about his regalia, she politely asks him why he's dressed the way he is.

"Wull, ma'am, I wear this 10-gallon Stetson to keep the Sun off my neck and the rain out of my eyes. I wear these chaps to protect my leg from chaffing while riding all day long. I wear this big silver buckle so that I can use the Sun to signal for help if I should get into trouble. I wear these spurs so that my horse knows who's boss. I wear this leather vest to keep my body warm while leaving my arms free for roping. And finally, I wear these tennis shoes so that no one mistakes me for a truck driver."


----------



## kiyote

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.


----------



## kiyote

*What's black and screams?*

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.


----------



## kiyote

this is an actual headline from a true story . I don't know why but the idea of folks lining up for a vamp stick struck me funny.

Dracula's castle in Romania offering free vaccines


----------



## kiyote

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.
The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do: "All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat, "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him..."


----------



## youngdon

????


----------



## kiyote

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


----------



## youngdon

???????? I’m going to refer to my ex as Five horses from now on


----------



## kiyote

Two people are having a conversation...
Man: I don't believe women should have any rights and gays should be put to death.
Journalist: Wow, what a complete primitive asshole you are. You must be a Republican.
Man: No actually I'm a Muslim
Journalist: Oh I'm so sorry, I apologize. I hope you don't think I'm Islamophobic.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## knapper

good one!!!


----------



## kiyote

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like: "Losing my Head over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"


----------



## kiyote

some great book recommendations............

Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face
Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall
The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul
Apologizing Made Simple by Thayer Thorry
A Call for Assistance by Linda Hand
The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss


----------



## glenway

Brown Spots on the Wall by Hu Flung Pu.


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## kiyote

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> *What's black and screams?*
> 
> Stevie Wonder answering the iron.


did you ever see the mansion Stevie lived in when he first got famous? Neither did he............

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
> 
> He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
> 
> The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
> 
> The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."
> 
> "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


2 young Indian children were curious about how they got their names so the boy asks his mother how his sister, Meadows of Golden Peace got her name. The mother told them that on the day she was born she was laying in a beautiful meadow full of golden flowers and it was so peaceful. Curiously the mother then said " why do you ask this question Two Dogs Humping?"

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----------



## murphyranch

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding along when suddenly Tonto jumps from his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "buffaloes come". The Lone Ranger ask him " how in the world do you know that". Tonto responds "ear wet".

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

????????


----------



## kiyote

Adam said to God, "God, look at Eve. She's so beautiful. Gorgeous face. Curvy sexy body.
She smells so nice. Nice breasts. Seductive hips.... why did you make her so attractive?"

Adam, my son, that's so you would love her.

"But God, why did you make her so stupid?"

Adam, my son, that's so she would love you.


----------



## kiyote

*Pelosium:* A major research laboratory has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science The new element has been named, Pelosium.

Pelosium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.


----------



## youngdon

I’d lmao if it wasn’t so on point


----------



## kiyote

yeah . wasn't sure it should go in the joke thread.


----------



## kiyote

*Did you hear about the man who fell into an* upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.


----------



## kiyote

One of my co-workers got vaccinated

Co-worker: I don't feel so good

Me: What vaccine did you get?

Co-worker: The Johnson & Johnson

Me: Well what do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?

Co-worker: But it was advertised as single prick

Me: Apparently they were dicking with you


----------



## bugsanddaffy331

youngdon said:


> I'm going to refer to my ex as Five horses from now on


Please report back on how it goes...and how you ER visit went 

Sent from my moto g power using Tapatalk


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## youngdon

Ex wife…. She has nothing over me now. I’m sure she refers to me by names other than what my parents gave me. Probably, “guy who gave me a house” for starters.


----------



## catcapper

The employee shortage is so bad that now long haired freaky people can apply.

awprint:


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## kiyote

Most people don't think I am as old as I am...

until they hear me stand up.


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Ex wife&#8230;. She has nothing over me now. I'm sure she refers to me by names other than what my parents gave me. Probably, "guy who gave me a house" for starters.


hee who payes


----------



## youngdon

catcapper said:


> The employee shortage is so bad that now long haired freaky people can apply.
> 
> awprint:


So you got hired ?


----------



## catcapper

Ha--- I'm stuck out in the timber patch with the bears and the birds and Clifton lol. :smiley-chores017:

awprint:


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## youngdon

Is Clifton the new pup ?


----------



## catcapper

Just someone I have to put up with every now and then---

awprint:


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## kiyote

The 5 secrets to a man's happiness...........

#1 Find a women that can make you laugh.
#2 Find a women that can cook.
#3 Find a women that really listens to you.
#4 Find a women that is fantastic in bed.
#5 And this is the most important:
Make sure these 4 women do not find about each other!


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## glenway

"The employee shortage is so bad that now long haired freaky people can apply."

You're aging yourself, Cat. And, I'm sorry to say, "Imagine that; me working with you!"


----------



## glenway

_MT_


----------



## kiyote

my life.....

* my wife , "I'm going to have a baby!"*

me, "How wonderful, I'm going to be a father!"

my wife, "That's not what I said, but okay....."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration........

"CRAP!! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!!!"


----------



## kiyote

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all . The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked'.


----------



## kiyote

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, "Hey, let's exchange numbers."

I said, "Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?"


----------



## kiyote

"Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"

"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."

"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"

"Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key."

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"


----------



## youngdon

Medical Decision

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".   The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. You've been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five- incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit intimidated. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?
"Yes I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision"?
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.   "We're getting granite countertops."


----------



## kiyote

*My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers.*

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.


----------



## fr3db3ar

A friend of mine got shot over the weekend with a starter pistol. We believe it was race related.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It's a long story&#8230;.


----------



## kiyote

kids today are so confused about their gender.
I never experienced that issue.
If she was hot, my gender revealed itself.


----------



## catcapper

Ha--- did a hear that open mic moment when biden was heard ask'in one of his ss guys who that hooker was that kept follow'in him around. :roflmao:

awprint:


----------



## kiyote

View attachment 36021


----------



## kiyote




----------



## glenway

*This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters...*

*FEMALE INTERVIEWER:*
*So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?*

*GENERAL COSGROVE:*
*We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.*

*FEMALE INTERVIEWER:*
*Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?*

*GENERAL COSGROVE:*
*I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.*

*FEMALE INTERVIEWER:*
*Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?*

*GENERAL COSGROVE:*
*I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.* 

*FEMALE INTERVIEWER:*
*But you're equipping them to become violent killers.*

*GENERAL COSGROVE:*
*Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?*

*The broadcast* *went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over**.....*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Drunken Murphy Hails a Cab......the cabby stops*

and Murphy leans in the open passenger side window as the cabby asks where he wants to go...

" I wanna go home.....hey do you got room for a large Pizza with everything and two six-packs?"

" yeah buddy, no problem"

Murphy threw up all over the passenger seat....


----------



## kiyote

Two Indians and a Hillbilly...
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".

Two Indians and a Hillbilly...
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".

forgive me for taking the minute you'll never get back.


----------



## kiyote

*Man is incomplete until* he is married.

Then he is finished.


----------



## kiyote

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Which woman got the job?

The one with the big tits.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

#3,040
*Beer Bottle: “You break me,* you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)


----------



## kiyote

*What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?*

A woman that won't do what she's told.


----------



## kiyote

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Saturday 6-5-21 of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.


----------



## kiyote

*I'd tell you a Covid joke, but...*

...there's 99.7% chance you wouldn't get it.


----------



## kiyote

*Her: "I love you loads, Honeypie."*


Me: "And I love you tons."
Her: "What, no nickname for me?"
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.


----------



## kiyote

*I was working late at the*

Cellphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:
"Honey,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative."
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...what the hell does "ternative" mean?


----------



## kiyote

*My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for* a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*My father was a conjoined twin. We called his* brother my uncle on my father's side. Until the operation..................now he's my uncle once removed.


----------



## Glenwhey

Four out of every three people struggle with math.


----------



## kiyote

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.


----------



## kiyote

*What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein* *and the Democratic party?

Epstein didn't hang himself.*


----------



## kiyote

*A first-grade teacher was* < Jst4Lghs > 2021-06-14 09:11

having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."


----------



## kiyote

*Doctor: "Take this medicine with food."*

African kid: ( cries )


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Doctor walks in the room *and tells the new mother that there is bad news.
" Your baby has no arms."
Mom says, "That's awful. But, it's still my baby and I love him."
Doctor says, "Well, actually he also has no legs."
Mom, "OMG. That's terrible. But he's my baby and I love him."
Doctor, "Well, it's worse than that. You baby has no body."
Mom says, "I don't understand."
So the doctor rolls her in the next room and lying in a crib is a great
big eyeball.
Mom says, "What could be worse that this?"
The doctor says, "He's blind."



least he won't be spending time in the ICU!


----------



## kiyote

Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocks, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Native American head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground." He then says, "If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I'll give him $1000."

The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, look at this!" Dave replied, "Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: "I really think you should look at this." “Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?” But Jeff was adamant. "Please, just take a darn look!” So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans – and their horses. Dave shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"


----------



## kiyote

*New Math* 

The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


----------



## kiyote

*Just saw a book titled* 


"How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems "

So I bought 2.


----------



## kiyote

*When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally

He comes back with his shirt
washed and a sandwich.*

AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE N


----------



## kiyote

*People who confuse burro and burrow,*

don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.


----------



## kiyote

*Arguing with your wife…*

is like reading a software licensing agreement.

In the end you just ignore everything and click “I agree”.


----------



## kiyote

Many years ago there were two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, who inherited the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."


----------



## kiyote

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"


----------



## kiyote

*Recent study says that for every white child* that drowns, 5 1/2 black children drown.
What I want to know is how do you drown 1/2 a kid?


----------



## kiyote

*A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel*
stuck to his forehead. The bartender says, "What's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrrrr...............................there's a Bounty on me head."


----------



## kiyote

*My wife has been missing for a week and the* police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back


----------



## kiyote

*I had to take the batteries out of my carbon* monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.


----------



## kiyote

Hi John,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.


----------



## youngdon

Oops…. Sorry


----------



## kiyote

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??

"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.

"She never got your E-mail!"


----------



## kiyote

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.


----------



## kiyote

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN


----------



## kiyote

*Well, July 4 has come and gone for another year.*

And we all know what that means: The Memorial Day furniture and bedding sales are finally over.


----------



## kiyote

He who drinks a 5th on the 4th may not be able to go 4th on the 5th.


----------



## kiyote

why did the indians ride appaloosas to war?

so they would be mad when they got there!


----------



## kiyote

Banking Problems Hit Japan
Recently the Origami Bank has folded, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, over 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank.


----------



## kiyote

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blond hair; the youngest is short with brown hair.

The husband was on his deathbed and said, “Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?”

The wife said, “I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.”

Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, “Thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”


----------



## kiyote

*A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any* longer.
In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."


----------



## kiyote

Joe Biden wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Biden was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Joe. The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."


----------



## kiyote

*Where do suicide bombers go after work?* 

Everywhere


----------



## kiyote

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Now tell me, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## kiyote

A boy goes to a strip club...
His mom finds out and gets very angry, but she asks him if he saw anything he wasn't supposed to see.
He says, "yeah, I saw dad".


----------



## kiyote

*I Just Came Out to My Friends and Family*

as a proud member of the PDCSWBTGLRNHB community.

After the initial shock, they were all very supportive and realized that they too were

Privileged Deplorable Conservative Straight White Bible Thumping Gun Loving Red Neck Hill Billies.

We are now organizing a PDCSWBTGLRNHB pride parade to celebrate our liberation.

The rest of you Hicks are welcome to join in.


----------



## kiyote

*My wife said to me...* 

“If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"


----------



## kiyote

*Delta airlines is changing their name to* 

Ebola Airlines to avoid association with Covid


----------



## kiyote

After old man Henry picked up on an old lady Johnson during church they went out on a date. After making their way up to lookout hill he parked the car and they started to make out like they did when they were teenagers.

When things got hot and heavy old man Henry said, "Hold on a minute honey", he slaps on a rubber and shoves some cotton in his ears and up his nose. He turns back around and said, " I'm ready honey ".

Now old lady Johnson gets a big smile on her face and said, " I know what the rubber is for we're about to git it on but what's the cotton in you ears and up your nose for?".

"Well honey, there's two things in life I can't stand.

The sound of a lady screaming

And the smell of burnt rubber"


----------



## kiyote

*My neighbor just got arrested for growing* marijuana.

I guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was.


----------



## youngdon

We know you knew dude !! 😂


----------



## kiyote

An old farmer writes to his son in prison;
Dear son, this year i wont be able to plant potatoes because i can't dig the field by myself, i know if you were here, you would help me.
The son writes back; dad don't even think of digging the field because thats where i buried the money i stole.
The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The following day the son wrote again....
Now plant your potatoes dad.. Its the best I can do from here.


----------



## kiyote

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.


----------



## kiyote

*I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.*

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.


----------



## kiyote

*I can't stand it when people don't know the* 
difference between your and you're...

There so stupid!


----------



## kiyote

*When should condoms be used?* 

On every conceivable occasion.


----------



## kiyote

* I've had bad luck with both my wives.*

The first one left me...

The second one didn't!


----------



## kiyote

Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says to the other, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here".
The other replies, "You're scared; I gotta walk back alone".


----------



## kiyote

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?"
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see animals eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her Mum, "I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down."


----------



## kiyote

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".


----------



## kiyote

* I have a scientist friend who is obsessed with guano.*

He's bat shit crazy.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Back when I was a kid, my 3rd grade teacher would remind us everyday that we should be proud that we live in America....the greatest country in the world.

She said that being a citizen of the US means that one day....anybody could end up becoming the President.

I was a cynical child and realized I was probably being subjected to over-zealous nationalism. After all....it was during the cuban missile crisis and cold war era.

However I must confess, my 3rd grade teacher was correct. I saw Joe Biden steal an election and realized ANYBODY could be come President.


----------



## kiyote

*A.O.C. vows to fight Capitalism...
by only using lower case letters.*


----------



## kiyote

*A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a* chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six."


----------



## kiyote

*The democrats want non-citizens to vote, but*

we say NO way, Jose


----------



## kiyote

*What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?* 

An elephant with diarrhea.


----------



## murphyranch

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


----------



## kiyote

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."


----------



## kiyote

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"


----------



## kiyote

*UN report. Climate change is "indisputable"*

No, it isn't.

There, I proved them wrong.


----------



## kiyote

*5 people were on a plane...*

1. Kanye West,

2. Bill Gates,

3. Donald Trump,

4. Joe Biden,

5. and a school girl

Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.

Kanye says, "I am the world's greatest talent. I must live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Gates says, "I have done so much philanthropy. I deserve to live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Biden says, "I am the leader of the world. I will live." He grabs a parachute, sniffs the schoolgirls hair, flips the bird at the remaining two and jumps.

Trump says to the school girl, "You are the future of this planet. You must live. Go on, take the last parachute."

The school girl smiles and replies, "Relax Trump, we have two parachutes. Biden took my school bag.”


----------



## knapper

an updated oldie but, still good


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Historic "Scientific" Remedies:* 

circa 1700: Mercury Pills

circa 1800: Leeches

circa 1900: Snake Oil

circa 2020: Masks


----------



## kiyote

*A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date *with her husband.
"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.

"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.


----------



## kiyote

*Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...*

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.


----------



## kiyote

*God decided to visit Earth...*

...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a masked man sitting against a wall, crying.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God.

"I've caught the china flu and have to wear this damned mask forever" replied the man.

God took pity on the man and cured him with a snap of the fingers.

Ambling down the road, God spies another man sitting on the curb, crying.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God again.

"Well," said the man, "Last week I ran out of gas and can't look for work."

With another snap of his fingers God filled his tank with gasoline.

Continuing down the boulevard God spotted yet a third man sitting on the curb, weeping to himself.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God?

"Well, sir," said the man, "I am a dimocrat and I voted for joebama."

And the Lord sat down and wept with him.


----------



## kiyote

*Masks are like diapers sooner or later every* crybaby has one.


----------



## kiyote

*ABBOTT AND COSTELLO 2021* 

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’ Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Never mind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’


----------



## kiyote

Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer is extremely concerned about fraudulent vaccine cards.

It's interesting that he's not at all concerned about fraudulent voter registration cards.


----------



## kiyote

I had a dream that I had a new chinese girlfriend but it was just my imagine asian.


----------



## kiyote

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines are about to fail and we will have to attempt an emergency landing."

"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

The pilot then announces "Odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 50 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"


----------



## kiyote

*I went to a McDonald's today, and ate a Kid's* Meal.
It was good, but his mom was furious!


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Taliban’s first draft of a new Women’s Bill of* 

Rights:

The right to remain silent.

The right to equal employment inside the home with the other wives.

The right of freedom of movement. Again, inside the home.

The right to free healthcare that is on par with the best veterinary care in the country.

The right to an education in Islam.

The right to be married to whichever brave Taliban fighter chooses them.

The right to bear children and raise them up to defend the Islamic Emirate.

The right to marry at any age.

The right to choose the color of their burqa.

The right to be seen in public, so long as they are fully covered and in the presence of their husband.

The right to speak freely with other women about how to take care of the house and raise children.

The right to have only one hand chopped off as a warning in cases of minor infractions.

The right to trial by husband.


----------



## kiyote

*There's a new cult out there that worships*

testicles............................................................they're sacreligious


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Biden declares victory in Afghanistan* 

15,000 Trump supporters trapped by Taliban.


----------



## kiyote

*I don't eat meat for religious reasons.*

I eat it for the taste.


----------



## kiyote

*Hear about the blond couple who died at the drive-in?* 

they froze to death waiting to see "Closed for the Season".


----------



## kiyote

*What is it with young, female doctors?* 

They see me for a prostate exam, and they don't even get their hair done!


----------



## kiyote

*Worse Than the China Virus* 

is the "Woke Virus"

The variances just keep coming:

Global Warming (Mutated to Climate Change)

One World Order (Mutated to Open Borders)

Equal Rights (Mutated to Racism/Critical Race Theory and Perversion/Transgenderism)

Voting Rights (Mutated to Rigged Elections)

Slow the Spread (Mutated to 2 Years of Panic and Hysteria)

Green New Deal (Mutated to Infrastructure)

Liberalism (Mutated to Marxism/Communism)

There are many more, but the Worse of All:

bath house berry (Mutated to joebama)


----------



## kiyote

*The commander of an army base had assembled all* <

his troops for an exercise in combat. He told his troops.."When I give the order... fire at will!"

Just then one of the soldiers was seen running away. The commander barked out, "Who is that man running away?"

"That's Will, sir!"


----------



## kiyote

my brother and his wife were blessed with two children.
danise and danephew.


----------



## kiyote

*if biden had any honor he would piss off hillary !

coarse this isn't his first botched pullout .....................(hunter)*


----------



## kiyote

*common sense is not a gift* . it's a punishment.

because you have to deal with all the people that have none.


----------



## kiyote

*My wife asked me why I drink so much.* 

"Wellll ... Some men drink to remember, some men drink to forget," I replied.
"which is it for you? Do you drink to remember or to forget?" She asked.

I looked at her, "I dunno. I forgot"


----------



## kiyote

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."


----------



## kiyote

*Whitehouse claims flawless clean up effort*

After Joe Biden poops on Whitehouse lawn.


----------



## kiyote

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."


----------



## kiyote

*Catholic School*

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'


----------



## kiyote

*As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself.* 

.“This takes me back.”


----------



## kiyote

two reasons I was kicked out of the cub scouts

eating to many brownies
did not want to join the we blows!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

* TALIBAN to open it's own army surplus store.
It's going to be called "Traitor Joe's"*


----------



## kiyote

*How do you keep an Amish woman happy?* 

Give her two Mennonite.


----------



## kiyote

*I don't believe in reincarnation...* 

I didn't believe in it the last time, either.


----------



## kiyote

We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.

I now have a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.


----------



## kiyote

*My church threw a celibacy party.*

Nobody came.


----------



## kiyote

After a few tests he says "Doctor, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says "Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all."

The astrologist exclaims, "What?! You're actually right. I'm shocked that a doctor believes in astrology"

"Oh, not that." replies the doctor. "My thermometer broke"


----------



## kiyote

I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.

The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"

"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I keep forgettting to refill my Alzheimers meds.*


----------



## kiyote

*hello taliban* 

we are trying to contact you about the extended warranty on your humvee


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*She got her nipple pierced on our first date.* 

Also, I suck at darts.


----------



## kiyote

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’


----------



## kiyote

beware the electric fart!
it's got a lil juice.


*I asked the electrician if he's scared of* working with live wires. He said it doesn't phase him. 
*He knows how to conduct himself.*


----------



## kiyote

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."

The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"


----------



## kiyote

*How do you know* when a woman is going to say something smart.
When she starts her sentence with
"A man once told me ...


----------



## Glenwhey

kiyote said:


> *hello taliban*
> 
> we are trying to contact you about the extended warranty on your humvee


We are also wondering if you can share some of our ammo with us. We're a bit short in these parts.


----------



## kiyote

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
*****
A guy is on his first date with a blonde woman. He asks her a favor, "Stick your head out the window and see if my rear blinker is working on your side."
She rolls down the window, hangs her head out, looks back, and says, "no...YES...no...YES...no...YES."
*****
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are in the waiting room of their OB/GYN.
The redhead says, "I was on top so I think I'm having a girl."
Brunette says, "Well, I was on bottom so I guess that means I'm having a boy" and giggles.
The blonde starts crying.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask.
She answers, "I'm gonna have puppies!"


----------



## kiyote

*There's English, and then there's English*

An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up


----------



## kiyote

*I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.*


----------



## kiyote

*I just went through debt consolidation.* 

Now I only have one bill I can't pay.


----------



## kiyote

*At the Barber Shop* 

The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I’m old, tired, and need to pee fairly often.


----------



## kiyote

*Recently my girlfriend asked me if i was* having sex behind her back. I replied ," Yes, who did you think it was !


----------



## kiyote

I have a bumper sticker that says "honk if you think I'm sexy"

Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.


----------



## knapper

Three blonds were fishing on a river and a game warden came up to them and told them that there is no fishing allowed in the river now. They told him that they were only fishing with magnets and so he ask them to bring in there lines and show them. So they bring in the lines and show him that they sure enough only had magnets on the lines so he let them continue and went on his way. After they were gone they started to snicker and laugh. One of them finally said he does not know that there steelhead in the river.


----------



## kiyote

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*The world in 50 Years* 

“Children from Two-parent, Married, Heterosexual Families Bullied in San Francisco Schools for Being 'Different'”

“A White Girl in Manchester, England School Expelled for Not Wearing a Burqa.”

“Ten of New York’s Elite Universities This Year Have Won Awards for Introducing Classes on the Subject of ‘Political Correctness.’ President Abdul bin Mahammed- Goldman of ACLU Says There is Still a Long Way to Go in the Fight to Stop People from Saying What They Want to Say.”

“America’s Deficit Hit $50 Trillion But President Jose Manuel Rodriguez-Carter is Confident That America Will Finally Have a Surplus in less Than 200 Years, 300 Years Sooner Than Predicted Earlier.”

“France Pleads for Global Help Following the Country’s Being Taken Over by Libya.”

“U.S. Postal Services Raises Price of the Cheapest Postage Stamp to $28 and Reduces Mail Delivery from Once Every Two Weeks to Once Every Four Weeks.”

“After a Ten-year, $15.8 Billion Study Commissioned by the Democratic Party, Scientists Had a Surprise Finding that Diet and Exercise Are the Key to Weight Loss.”

“GREAT NEWS - Average Weight of an American Male Drops to 415 lbs.”

“The Supreme Court Rules that Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. From Now on, for Fairness, Victims Will Also Be Held Partially Responsible for All Crimes.”

New American Law Requires that not Only guns but Also Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters, Hair Dryers and Rolled-up Newspapers Must be Registered as Lethal Weapons.”

“Under Pressure from the Public Over the Last Three Decades, IRS Finally Reduced the Lowest Tax Rate From 96% to 75% per cent.” (Time to Celebrate!)”


----------



## murphyranch

My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.








The innocence of youth.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*Came home to a note on the fridge* 

From my girlfriend

It just said "This isn't working"

I have no idea what she means by that

I looked it over, the fridge works just fine!!

might be time to dump her.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## youngdon

murphyranch said:


> My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The innocence of youth.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


My niece now a med student at USC was little she always pointed with her middle finger. When we would visit I would always ask her ton” point “ things out. It was quite an ordeal for her parents to get her to change before going into school.


----------



## kiyote

*The sign in the men's room* 

said "Employees must wash hands." But I couldn't find an employee and had to do it myself.


----------



## kiyote

*Alabama beat Arkansas and
Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and
Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and
Auburn fired their coach.

Inquiring minds want to know:
How do we get the White House
to play Alabama?*


----------



## kiyote

*Gentlemen get yourself an unvaccinated girl.

You ain't got to take her out
and she's not allowed in the clubs.*


----------



## kiyote

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".


----------



## kiyote

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”


----------



## kiyote

*My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman* and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


----------



## kiyote

*When a game warden says he found a doe He means* 

a female deer, not an unidentified dead body.


----------



## kiyote

*
"Give it to me now, I'm so wet " she yelled.* 

*She could scream all she wanted,

I'm keeping the umbrella.*


----------



## kiyote

*How do you fix a broken pumpkin?* 

With a pumpkin patch.


----------



## kiyote

*A very shy guy goes into a bar* and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


----------



## kiyote

*I went to a restaurant & the menu had "Gasless"* Bean Soup.
I never heard of such a thing so I asked the waitress how they did that, and she said,
"Easy! We use exactly 239 beans, because one more is 'Too Farty!'"


----------



## kiyote

*Sone times you have to listen....* 

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."


----------



## Glenwhey

murphyranch said:


> My little 6 year old niece “smished” her finger this morning in a door. When I asked her which finger it was she showed me this. I kept asking her to show me which finger it was all morning until her Nana gave me the stink eye when I asked her at lunch with company from church.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The innocence of youth.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


She'll get even with you for this.


----------



## kiyote

*Yesterday I ate a clock.* 
*It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went
back for seconds.*


----------



## kiyote

*If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes* the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money ?"


----------



## kiyote

*A older couple are in church...*

The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid, 'cause it wasn't all that quite, and you might want to check your depends too."


----------



## kiyote

*Why is everyone in New York depressed?*
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey


----------



## kiyote

I was in my local bar last night enjoying a nice cold beer, when this butt ugly fat woman came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.*
I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."


----------



## kiyote

*During a funeral...*
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


----------



## kiyote

*A woman puts an ad in the paper looking*

for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"


----------



## kiyote

*After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying *

in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.


----------



## youngdon

Lol


----------



## kiyote

in todays news!!!

*Horniest Trek captain goes to space in a* 

...ship shaped like a dick


----------



## kiyote

what did mrs kirk ask james t when he returned from his trip to space ?

did you shatner yer pants?


----------



## kiyote

*My gramma lives just over the border in Canada* and loves to knit.
You should have seen the look on the faces of Border Patrol when I told them I had 2 afghans in the trunk of my car


----------



## kiyote

*
Things you shouldn't say in Victoria's Secret:* 

- "Does this come in children's sizes?"

- "No thanks, just sniffing."

- "I'll be in the dressing room going blind."

- "Will you model this for me?"

- "But dear, your sister already has that one in red."

- "Honey, you'll never fit your fat ass into that."

- "No need to wrap that up, I'll eat it here."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A drunk man is being arrested*
by a female police officer, who informs him," anything you say can and will be held
against you".
The man replies, "Boobs!"


----------



## kiyote

*A man goes to a bar*
and sees a fat girl table dancing. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" she is
flattered and replies," You really think so ?" The man says, "Oh definitely!"
most tables would have collapsed by now."


----------



## kiyote

*I look at people sometimes and think*

Are you kidding me ?
That's the sperm that Won ?


----------



## kiyote

few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at the bar.

I decided to break the ice with these new friends with a few jokes, most of them went down very well.

Until I decided to tell a few more offensive jokes. I picked the worst possible one to start off with.

Here is the joke I told;

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry in."

One of the friends instantly became enraged and took a swing at me. When I ask him what his problem was he replied that his little brother had been epileptic and had died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I was mortified as I had not known this. I said "I am so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No" replied the guy, "he choked on a sock."


----------



## kiyote

*Why are the majority of archeologists women ?*

Because of their natural ability to dig up the past !


----------



## kiyote

*WHAT IS THE BUFFALO THEORY?

"Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

-Cliff Clavin*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A man was traveling on business, and the night before he came home he called his wife.

He told her, "When I get home, I want to make love with you so badly!"

She said, "I'm glad to hear you've stopped overestimating your abilities."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

patience

what you need when there are to many witnesses present.


----------



## kiyote

“We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid,” “A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.”


----------



## kiyote

*A man asks his wife," What would you do*

if I won the lottery ?" His wife says, " I"d take half and leave your ass!" Happily the man
replies, "Great, I won $12 here's $6, now get out !"


----------



## kiyote

*Dave was getting robbed in the desert.*

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few holes in his hat to make
it believable to his wife that he got robbed. 
He then asked, "Shoot a few holes in the coat while your at it I want to look like I fought you and not a coward." After the robber shoot the coat Dave said, "Shoot a few holes.....' Please no more holes, I'm out of bullets." 
" That's what I wanted to hear ,NOW give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat
BEFORE I beat you black and blue !


----------



## kiyote

*A ghost drifts into a bar at 3 am.*

The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 2 ”


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Joe:* "Everyone wants to have sex with me."

Barack: That's not what lets go brandon means!


----------



## kiyote

*Is it rude to invite a gender neutral person* 

to a gender reveal party?


----------



## kiyote

*My neighbor and his wife went out to dinner.*

the waitress started flirting with him
. "She obviously has covid,"
"Why?" he asked.
His wife replied with a sneer," Because she has no taste !"


----------



## youngdon

Ouch !


----------



## kiyote

*I have two brothers.*

Well, three actually , but the third has a learning disability so he doesn't count.


----------



## kiyote

*A guy walks into a bar and says* to another guy,
"I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
the other guy says, "What was her maiden name ?"


----------



## kiyote

2fer tuesday on wednsday



*How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?*
She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.


----------



## kiyote

*What do you call a judge with an I.Q below 60?* 

Senator


----------



## kiyote

*Only socialists and homos want a mandate *


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who would you marry?"

"Nobody, like I said, you're not going to die."

"No, you said you would get married again! And I suppose she'd live in his house here with you!"

"Well, there wouldn't be any reason to get a new house – this is a nice house. But like I said…"

The wife is getting increasingly agitated, "And I suppose you'll let her cook with my pots and pans, in MY kitchen, and sleep in MY bed, with YOU!"

"Sweetheart, look… is there something you're not telling me? Are you sick or something?"

Now the wife is in a full-on rage, "No, I'm not sick, I'm fine. Except maybe I'm sick of having a husband who would marry somebody besides me!"

The husband hangs his head and takes a deep breath, "Well then I don't know what you're so upset about. This is all hypothetical, if you're just fine then…"

The wife yells at him, "And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs!"

That husband shrugs and says, "No, not that."

The wife shouts, "WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!"

"She's left-handed."


----------



## kiyote

*While in the hospital I was given a* transfusion.
I asked the nurse what it was and she said "Whole blood".
I couldn't help asking "What hole did it come from?".
I don't remember much else


----------



## kiyote

*James Bond walks into a bar Walks into a bar* 


He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued women says "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".

The lady says "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you are not wearing any panties."

The women giggles and replies, "Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,

"Bloody thing's an hour fast"


----------



## kiyote

*Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?* 



They always take things literally.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri,*

“Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.


----------



## kiyote

*A man boarded an airplane and took his seat....* 


As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern *******.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*She said," buy me a drink, we'll see where it goes."*

I said," it goes in your mouth. What's wrong with you that you don't know that?"

She didn't give me her number.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I just found out my grandpa is addicted to viagra *


We are all a bit disappointed, but no one is taking it harder than my grandma.


----------



## kiyote

what's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
attire!


----------



## kiyote

my wife asked if she was the only one i'd been with.
I answered , " yes dear . the others were at least 7 or 8s ."


----------



## kiyote

*If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's humerus.*


----------



## kiyote

*A husband calls the Sheriff's *office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!


----------



## kiyote

One Sunday morning in church it was time for the children’s lesson. The minister called all the children up to the front of the church and had them sit on the steps to the platform.

Then he announced, “Children, this is Resurrection Sunday. Do any of you know anything about the Resurrection?”

The kids all sat there silently and nervously, until finally one little boy spoke up:

“On TV they say if it lasts more than 4 hours you should see a doctor.”


----------



## kiyote

*Walking prevents covid*

You arrive by plane, you must be vaccinated or you can't come in.
You walk across the border, no problemo, Jose. You don't even need a test.


----------



## kiyote

*A gas station owner was trying to increase sales* 

.. so he put up a sign that read: ** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” **

Soon a local ******* pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.

The ******* guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."

A week later, the same *******, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The ******* guessed ‘2’ this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."

As they were driving away, the ******* said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."

Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. My wife won twice last week."


----------



## kiyote

*
I think my family is racist* 


I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

On the other hand, they didn't beat her up on a subway car.


----------



## kiyote

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks.

"I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender.

"Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."


----------



## kiyote

*Centuries ago...* 

...if the pilgrims had shot a donkey instead of turkeys and deer, we would all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.


----------



## kiyote

*There's a new drink named for Kyle Rittenhouse* 

It's a chaser
Followed by three shots!


----------



## kiyote

A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig.

"That's a very good pig, that", says the farmer. "He saved my son from a pack of wolves. He saved my wife from drowning in the river. He chased off thieves that were trying to steal my cows. Great pig."

"Right", said the gentleman, "but why does it have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Oh the wooden leg. Well, a pig that good - you don't eat it all at once."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

I'm proud to be a black man!" said the black man.
"I'm proud to be an Asian man!" said the Asian man.
"I'm proud to be a white man!" said the racist.


----------



## kiyote

*A man comes home late after drinking all night.* < JesseyS > 2021-11-24 09:05


His wife greets him in the kitchen upset.

"You're drunk, again! I've had it with you!

The man slurring says to her "I'm not drunk"

The wife frustrated responds "I can smell the liquor, you are drunk!"

The husband once again refusing to back down says "I'm not drunk."

The wife points at their grandfather clock and asks him "Then can you tell the time?!"

The husband looks over at the clock and says "Yeah"

The wife replies with "Well? Go on."

The husband leans in front of the old clock, points at it and says "I am not drunk."


----------



## kiyote

A guy walks into a small family drug store to buy some condoms.

The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is

The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with several numbered holes, and to just go and just find the one that fits and tell her the number.

The clerk's old spinster aunt hears them talking from the back room and runs out and jumps in the barrel. The guy goes out back, and sees a likely sized hole and tries it out. The old auntie just has a fine old time with it, and after a few minutes, the bewildered guy goes back to the counter.

The lady asks if he found the right size. He says, "Never mind the condoms, how much you want for that barrel?"


----------



## kiyote

Rearrange the letters in Omicron and you get Moronic. Just sayin'


----------



## kiyote

*Lefty to his Conservative buddy:*
"Hey ole Buddy, can you spot me $20 'till next payday?"

Ole buddy: "Sure Pal, hear ya go. By the way, when's next payday?"

Lefty: "Hell, I don't know. You're the one with the job."


----------



## kiyote

*How many men does it take to open a beer ?* 

None. It should be open when she brings it !


----------



## kiyote

a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: Meow."


----------



## kiyote

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

The President paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry
equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" The President asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor."

The French President sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

The French President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' to ya Mr. President. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says the French President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners!”


----------



## kiyote

idioucracy. the most true to life, fictional movie ever made. never before has there been a better example of our modern day society.

highly recommend it to any who haven't already seen it and even if you have.


----------



## youngdon

The wife and I make each other laugh over that movie regularly.


kiyote said:


> idioucracy. the most true to life, fictional movie ever made. never before has there been a better example of our modern day society.
> 
> highly recommend it to any who haven't already seen it and even if you have.


Brawndo for everyone!!


----------



## kiyote

brawndos got lectrolytes!


----------



## kiyote

*The Omicron Variant
reportedly has mild symptoms
like soreness and exhaustion,
the same thing you'd feel after
a hard days work...

It's no wonder liberals
are terrified of it.*


----------



## kiyote

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.


As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.


Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”


The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”


“Look there you go again,” said the man. “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”


“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”


“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”


“Well, I really don’t know …”


“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”


“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”


“Well let’s go inside and settle this!”


“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”


“You’re on!” said the guy.


The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?”


The bartender sighed and asked, “Is that nun out there again?”


----------



## kiyote

What's the difference between Joe Biden and a hotdog?

The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.


----------



## kiyote

*Carpool Lane Infraction*

Officer: You're getting this ticket for driving your motor vehicle in the car pool lane alone.

Driver: Check the trunk.


----------



## kiyote

Since YouTube decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from its playlist because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs are also on the chopping block.
How did our generation ever survive?
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn
2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation
3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances
4. White Christmas? Racist
5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker
6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying
8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben
9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail
10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman
11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired
12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow
13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse
14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?
15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership
16. I'll Be Home For Christmas: Not if you are homeless. That's just Insensitive
17. Grandma got ran over by a reindeer: Homicide. Extremely violent and promotes alcoholism.


----------



## kiyote

just announced : white house is throwing an orgy for christmas!

sigh.............. another super spreader event.


----------



## knapper

That dose not need Covid for that, think about it.


----------



## kiyote

*Things that tell the truth*

Small Children
Drunks
Yoga Pants


----------



## kiyote

*Suddenly Bob Dole started voting Democrat.*


----------



## kiyote

*Biden warns Russia that if they invade Ukraine



America will evacuate
haphazardly and leave
86 billion in weapons
behind.*


----------



## kiyote

*I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3*
in an international Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer.


----------



## kiyote

*What are the odds that Lou Gehrig would catch a*

disease with his name?


----------



## kiyote

The continuing Kelloggs strike is getting serious. President Biden has weighed in and is asking the company to increase the $35/hr average wage for their employees to end the strike. Biden stated his belief that the company needs to do more to end the strike and get the production lines at Kelloggs producing his favorite cereal again.

After Biden finished speaking, the reporters rushed out of the room to get the story to their respective editors.

If I was reporting on this, I'd run it under the headline: "Froot Loops is for Froot Loops"


----------



## kiyote

*I asked my grandpa, "After 65yrs. you still* call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey.What's
the secret?" 
He said, " I forgot her name 5yrs. ago
and I'm scared to ask her !"


----------



## kiyote

*Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. One the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.*


----------



## kiyote

A farmer went to milk his cow one morning. Just as the bucket was almost full, the cow knocked it over with her left leg. The farmer took some rope and tied the cow's left leg to a post on the left.

He sat down to milk the cow again and again as the bucket was full, the cow knocked it over this time with her right leg. So the farmer ties up her right leg to a post on the right.

He sits down for a third time and for the third time the cow knocks over the bucket this time with her tail. Since he's run out of rope, the farmer takes off his belt and uses it to tie the cow's tail to the rafter. Just as he gets done, his pants fall down as the wife walks in and...well somethings just can't be explained!


----------



## kiyote

*COVID Christmas Carols* 

"Baby, there's COVID outside" -

"Do you fear what I fear?'

"Good Rest Ye Boosted Gentlemen"

"Faici Baby" - sung by Brian Stelter

"It's beginning to look a lot like Wuhan"


----------



## kiyote

Vanna is beautiful, funny and has a nice personality.
....but she puzzles me.


----------



## kiyote

*Aliens are probably monitoring our media.* 


98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.


----------



## kiyote

*An old man lies on his deathbed.*

The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rallies and with his last bits of strength, rises from bed to slowly drag himself to the kitchen. The aroma of the oven fills the room and seems to fuel his quest. He reaches for a cookie cooling on a rack and he looks over at his busy wife who just now noticed that he was in the room. At the sight of her husband, her eyes go wide, her pulse races...

and she reaches down, throws her sandal at him and screams, "THOSE ARE FOR COMPANY!"


----------



## kiyote

*My wife asked me to play doctor !* 

So i made her wait outside the bedroom door for an hour !


----------



## kiyote

after many years of a multi million dollar study ...........

scientists have discovered two things in the air that will get a woman pregnant.
her legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

*It takes a lot of balls to golf like me*


----------



## kiyote

*Took her on a date, and she said I was cheap.*

I told her "I'm not buying it".


----------



## kiyote

*if anyone's alone on xmas, please let me know*

i need to borrow some chairs


----------



## kiyote

*Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer *

He can run just as fast as Rudolph, but he can't stop as fast.


----------



## kiyote

*the kids want a cat for christmas* 

usually i make turkey, but, if it makes them happy..


----------



## Glenwhey

And, of the many ways to skin one, which do you prefer? If you have a big family, I can supply enough for all. Be glad to send a few.


----------



## kiyote

gosh no never skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's that outer layer makes em taste like chicken!


----------



## kiyote

*A man was riding on a full bus minding his own*

... business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


----------



## kiyote

*Senior citizen texting code -*

ATD - At the doctors

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring the wheelchair

BYOT - Bring your own teeth

FWIW - Forgot where I was

GHA - Got heartburn again

IMHAO - Is my hearing aid on?

LMDO - Laughing my dentures out

TTML - Talk to me louder


----------



## kiyote

*Three bikers stomp into a truck stop...*

...where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”


----------



## kiyote

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and a little boy, in a whisper, says, ” Hello”
Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”
Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Can I speak to him?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, He’s very busy.”
Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”
Boy: (whispers) “Yes, the fire department.”
Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Is there anybody ELSE there?”
Boy: (whispers) “The police department.”
Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of them?”
Boy: (whispers) “No, They’re busy too.”
Lawyer: “Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they are all busy. What are they doing?”
Boy: (whispers) “They are all looking for me.”


----------



## kiyote

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


----------



## Glenwhey

Followed by a cast iron skillet to the noggin.


----------



## kiyote

*What does a wife and a grenade have in common ?*

You get hurt when you pull off the ring !


----------



## kiyote

Glenwhey said:


> Followed by a cast iron skillet to the noggin.


worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

My new year’s resolution is I’m going to be less condescending.
And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.


----------



## kiyote

*If you think no one cares about you*

try missing a few payments !


----------



## kiyote

*My wife came home from work....*

.... and stormed into the bedroom.
She looked at me, sat on the edge of the bed, and sighed deeply.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently," she continued, "and you're always hanging around with that woman from work...Rachel?"

"Rochelle," coughed a voice from the closet.


----------



## kiyote

what do BLM rallys and jan 6th have in common?

the media lies about both!


----------



## kiyote

BREAKING NEWS

another new variant is emerging .
the otidi variant . not much is known about this new variant at this time but one thing we can be certain of........... be afraid , very afraid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## kiyote

if it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes ..............
............... you might be a liberal!


----------



## kiyote

*
My girlfriend asked me. " Do you ever* 

want to get married ?" Apparently," when I meet
the right girl ," was the wrong answer !


----------



## kiyote

Sotomayor the "wise latina": “Omicron is as deadly as Delta … we have hospitals that are almost at full capacity with people severely ill on ventilators. We have over 100,000 children, which we’ve never had before, in serious condition, and many on ventilators.”

Breyer chimed in: “hospitals are full almost to the point of maximum” and that “750 million new cases” were reported in the US yesterday"

These are 2 of the smartest of "81,000,000"?


----------



## Glenwhey

Not so fast, Kiyote. Breyer's figures came from all 57 states.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.


----------



## kiyote

*Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares* everyone in the car I'm driving

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Stop referring to us as "weed smokers". From now on, you can call us "your highness".

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it


----------



## fr3db3ar

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*My girlfriend told me women are better* at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!


----------



## kiyote

*Warning !* 

Always take lettuce from the top of the stack.........................or heads will roll.


----------



## kiyote

last night I went and watched a naked woman do stand up.

I never laughed so hard in my life!!


----------



## kiyote

*Scientists have discovered another deadly* 

pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.


----------



## kiyote

*When I was applying for Australian citizenship* 

the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”


----------



## kiyote

*I must be getting old* 

I started watching "Charlie's Angels" reruns just because of the old cars


----------



## kiyote

*The wife just called* 

bitching as usual and told me three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for New Year's Day and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, that is probably why the received the flowers then.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*The last fight I had with my wife was my fault*

When she asked me, "What's on the T.V. ? I said, " Dust ! "


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

* arrived early to the restaurant and the *manager asked, "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

I replied, "Not at all."

"Good," he said, "Take these drinks to table nine."


----------



## Glenwhey

Great idea. And, you can tip yourself while you're at it.


----------



## kiyote

*Wife said I hated her family and relatives...* 


I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."


----------



## kiyote

*I'm selling pies out of my car*

$8.00 for Apple, $10.00 for lemon.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Took my 4yr old Granddaughter to Walmart* 

Yesterday, my wife asked me to run to Walmart and pick up another Instapot as ours had died. We happened to have our 4yr old granddaugher for the day and she insisted she had to go with Grandpa to the store.

Masks weren't required there so i wasn't wearing one. We walked to the housewares section and as we passed the pots and pans my granddaugher shouted, "Quick, you have to put on your mask!" I told her it was okay, I didn't need one. She said, 'Yes you do!"

Then she shouted while pointing to the large frying pan on display next to me, "There's a Pan Dammit! Mommy says we need to wear a mask when there's a Pan Dammit'.


----------



## kiyote

*My neighbor is mad at his wife for* sunbathing in the nude.
Personally, i'm on the fence !


----------



## kiyote

*An old German man was on his death bed.* 

About to breathe his last, he rallied a bit and opened his eyes a tiny slit. He gasped, "Is my wife here?" His wife moved to the bedside, "Yes, I'm here my love." Then he gasped, "Are all my children here?" All his children joined their mother at the beside, "Yes, we're here for you, Father," Then in a bare whisper, "Are all my grandchildren here." All the grandchildren crowded in, "Yes, grandfather, we're all here."

"THEN WHY IS THERE A LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN!" he yelled.


----------



## kiyote

*There are 3 unwritten rules in life.*

1,)
2.)
3.


----------



## kiyote

The Devil challenged Jesus to a computer programming contest, with God as the judge.

The two competitors sat down at their computers and began typing furiously. As the time for their contest was about to expire; a bolt of lightning struck, briefly knocking out power to both computers.

When power came back on, God asked the Devil to show his program first. The Devil replied "I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out." When God asked Jesus to show his program, he clicked a button and an animation of choirs of angels appeared on the screen while sweet music poured from the speakers. The astonished Devil asked "I lost everything, how did Jesus keep his program?"

God replied simply: "Jesus saves"


----------



## kiyote

*I just found out I'm colorblind.* 

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.


----------



## kiyote

My wife got stung on her forehead by a bee. She’s in E.R. now, her face all swollen and bruised - she almost died!
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.


----------



## kiyote

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He expected to inherit the family fortune soon once his ailing father died.

In preparation Tom wanted proceed to do two things:

• to learn how to properly invest his inheritance and
• to find a great wife to share his fortune with

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty immediately took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will be dead and I will inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the young woman asked to see his business card.
…and two weeks later, she became his stepmother.


----------



## Glenwhey

Duh!


----------



## kiyote

*Joe Biden & Nancy Pelosi eat a lot of ice cream.* 

They don't have to worry about brain freeze.


----------



## kiyote

*A married couple was in a terrible accident..*

...where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


----------



## kiyote

*So, after a recent BLM riot* 

....oops, I meant "peaceful protest", in a small city, the question was raised as to why, although a great many businesses were completely destroyed and looted by the mob, other establishments escaped the destruction completely, and were spared
A detective was hired to look into the matter. Here's what he had to say:

It's no surprise that the clothing factory outlet was spared. After all, their specialty is work boots and work gloves; nothing the looters would have any use for!

The Employment Agency was spared because none of the rioters even knew the place existed, let alone what it was! Their latest Help Wanted ads will be posted in tomorrow's paper!

The Welfare Department was spared because they seem to have the name and address of most of the rioters on file. In fact, it seems some of the rioters were on a first-name basis with the staff there

The Orphanage was spared when a group of children ran outside screaming "Daddy! Daddy!", and the mob fled in terror

The Country-Western bar was spared because it was here that the riot ended. It seems the DJ yelled something about a "Hoedown", and the leaders of the mob ceased rioting and demanded an ambulance IMMEDIATELY!!


----------



## kiyote

Confucius say
"Man who run behind bus, exhausted. But man who run in front of bus, tired."


----------



## kiyote

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."


----------



## kiyote

*Agony: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with* jock itch.


----------



## kiyote

*My buddy had a 3some with his GF and her twin*


I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…


----------



## kiyote

The fireman climbs the ladder to a bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette.

Ah, he says, you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year.

But I’m not pregnant!

You’re not rescued yet.


----------



## Glenwhey

Seems like a fair trade.


----------



## kiyote

*German virgin: Gutenteit*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## Glenwhey

And, that's how the Fire Fighters' Marathon began.


----------



## kiyote

*"Dogs Can't Catch Covid" World Health Org.*


Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


----------



## kiyote

*A big nose is not an excuse for no mask.*

I mean, I still wear underwear.


----------



## kiyote

*In the stock market today…* 

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.


----------



## kiyote

*A psychic midget escaped from federal prison...*

He's a small medium at large.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Whoopi Goldberg of the view to be replaced*

by Alex Jones for a more balanced perspective.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## Glenwhey

Ah, yes. The out doors are really in now. Ol' Bob was ahead of the game.


----------



## kiyote

*When I was at the grocery store, I asked an* 

employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see.”

And walked off.

Five minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walked off.

They must be hiring real dummies. I eventually found it myself.

It was in aisle C.


----------



## youngdon

Yeah, just before aisle B I bet.


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Yeah, just before aisle B I bet.


that's what I said after I found it.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50-yard line box seats.

He paid $2,500 each!

He didn't realize, when he bought them, last year, the Super Bowl was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
So, if you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

The wedding is at St Michaels Church, at 3pm.
The bride's name is Sheila, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook too.

She'll be the one in the white dress.


----------



## kiyote

*I haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography* 

That’s the story of my life.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I saw a midget scaling down a prison wall* 

I thought that was a little condescending


----------



## kiyote

*I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for*

So far no one has given me a straight answer


----------



## Glenwhey

I've been seeing a lot of midgets around here lately; each one has been huge!


----------



## kiyote

Glenwhey said:


> I've been seeing a lot of midgets around here lately; each one has been huge!


little weight goes a long way with em.


----------



## kiyote

*My teenage son asked me if I ever fell in love*

with a high school teacher.

"In fact, I did. She was gorgeous! I couldn't take my eyes off of her... I dreamt of a life together with her day and night."

"Wow! What happened with that, dad?" he excitedly asked.

"Your mom moved you to another school."


----------



## kiyote

*Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies?*
They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business


----------



## kiyote

this morning I was driving to work . I stopped at the last moment at a red light and the car behind me rear ended me.

I got out as the other driver , a midget , gets out shaking his little fist at me screaming," I am not happy!"

I said , "which one are you then?"


----------



## kiyote

*I heard there's a new movement on to* 

recognize only 3 genders.
Male, female, and stupid


----------



## kiyote

Me: Bathroom is clean.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?
Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: The puffy thing with the long handle... Why is it in the shower?
Wife: MY LOOFAH!!!
Me: You named the toilet brush?


----------



## youngdon

And I was never asked to clean the bathroom again !


----------



## murphyranch

kiyote said:


> *Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies?*
> They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business


I actually dated one in college for a time. The relationship didn’t work out, we had 69 problems.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*What did Sadaam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet* talk about?
How the Kurds were getting in the way.


----------



## kiyote

*A man was pulled over by a police officer.* 


As the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving him a skeptical look the driver said, "Sir, with your permission I'd be more than glad to give you a demonstration." Cautiously the officer stepped back and said "Alright, but you'd better be telling the truth." A few seconds later, the man was on the side of the road tossing the knives high into the air with ease as the police officer watched, mesmerized.

Two old men happened to drive by and both gazed in astonishment. The one looked at the other and said "Sure glad I gave up drinking, these sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!"


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Famous Indian chief Shortcake just died.........*

so squaw bury Shortcake. ( I'll let myself out )


----------



## youngdon

Hay? She’s already into Al Falfa,….


----------



## kiyote

*A pirate walked into a bar...* 

and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was the first day with me hook!"


----------



## kiyote

*they say I go out of my way to offend people,*

it's not really out of my way


----------



## kiyote

*I think my coworkers are gay*

Every time I walk by, they mumble “What an ass.”


----------



## kiyote

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


----------



## kiyote

*Jim was at death's door......* 

He had been married to a tough old bird, Eunice for over 50 years. She made the best apple pies that he just never could resist. As he was lying in bed with his eyes closed waiting for the end, he could smell an apple pie. He didn't know if he had died or if he was still alive, but he was sure he could smell it. So, he decided to find out.

Although weak and frail, he somehow got up the strength to get out of bed and although he couldn't see very well, he followed the smell of apple pie. Since their house was small, he figured he could find the kitchen by feeling along the walls.

After what felt like an eternity, Jim finally made it to the kitchen. He was weak, out of breath and didn't know if or how he would ever get back to his bed, but he knew he could smell the pie. He opened his eyes and although blurry, there it was....one of Eunice's delicious, hot, apple pies right in front of him. Finding a fork, he was just about to get a bite when Eunice smacked his hand and said, "Jim, stop that! You know you know that's for the guests after the funeral."


----------



## kiyote

*Curtis walked into a drug store in Texas...*

and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman behind the counter said that she was the owner of the store and the only pharmacist there. She also said that she owned the store with her sister and there were no male employees. Then she asked if she could help him.

Curtis said he would be much more comfortable discussing his situation with a male pharmacist...

But, the lady pharmacist assured him that she was a consummate professional and whatever his situation was, he could be confident that she would treat him with a highest level of courtesy and professionalism.

Curtis thought about it for a minute, but finally agreed to talk to this lady...
He began by saying, "Ma'am, this really difficult for me to discuss, especially with a lady such as yourself... but, here's what's happening..." He continued... "I get an erection, every single day, an it lasts for more than five hours..."
Curtis goes on... "They cause me a lot of embarrassment and severe social problems when I'm in public or at a store because the danged thing swells to more than eight inches long and almost two inches around... He continues to say..."It get enormous, I just can't hide it..."
Then he asked the pharmacist... almost pleading...
"Ma'am, I have to ask... is there anything can you give me for it...?"

The pharmacist replied, "And, this happens to you every day...?" Curtis answers, "Yes Ma'am..."
The pharmacist asks... "And, you say your erections are enormous...?" "yes ma'am..." Said Curtis...
Finally the pharmacist says to Curtis... "Just a minute, I need to talk to my sister about this... Let's see if we can come up with something for you..."

A few minutes later, the pharmacist and her sister come back to the counter and they said... "We've discussed your situation together, and we decided this is the absolute best we can do for you..."
The pharmacist and he sister continued... "Would you accept a 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses...?"


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

with the rollout of WW3, just like that, covid was no more.


----------



## kiyote

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.

Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.

Policeman: About a gallon.


----------



## kiyote

*Hey Siri, why am I so bad with women?*

"I'm Alexa, you moron"


----------



## kiyote

*Let's outlaw shredded cheese.*

Make America grate again.


----------



## kiyote

it really bothers me that when men sleep with lots of women. they are called "studs" but when women sleep with lots of men, I am not one of them.


----------



## kiyote

in light of recent events I thought we could use a lil WW3 humor

*If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear* 

Would Greece help?


----------



## youngdon

yes, but only with the stuffing


----------



## kiyote

*WW3 due to Ukraine*
The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.

They've never won a World War yet.


----------



## kiyote

*President Biden spoke to the cabinet this mornin*g

Then he had a nice chat with the stove, and then met with the refrigerator.


----------



## kiyote

*A 30-something man...*

...meets an attractive nun about the same age while serving at the local food bank and, after talking for a while he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for $100,000,000?

She stutters and gasps a bit then stops to think about how much good she could do with all that money. Finally she looks at him and said flatly, "Yes, I think that could be acceptable."

So he said to her, "Ok, so how about for $100? Would you sleep with me for $100?"

The nun gasps and said with some anger, "What kind of woman do you think I am!?"

"Well," her said, "We've already established what kind of woman you are; now we're just negotiating."


----------



## kiyote

*Texas tries to disguise border as if *Ukraine, instead of Mexico, in a desperate attempt to get American interested in defending it.


----------



## kiyote

*Which of these doesn't belong:*

Shrimp, lobster, salmon, Japanese guy with a piano on top of him.

Salmon. The others are crustaceans.


----------



## kiyote

*
My life* 

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.


----------



## kiyote

*Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"* 

Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"
Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."


----------



## kiyote

*Why can't cats play poker in the jungle?* 




*Too many cheetahs!*


----------



## kiyote

Currently, Several World Leaders have unrealistic goals. How is it that these leaders don't realize it's madness to continue their attempt at control. Most of us know their efforts will prove futile and thanks to live news coverage, the entire world will bear witness.

I have listed the 3 most egregious examples below.


Vladamir Putin is using all of his power in an attempt to control the Ukraine.

Xi Jinping is using his power in an attempt to control Taiwan.

Joseph Biden is using all of his power in an attempt to control his bladder.


----------



## kiyote

*Tips to save on gas*

1. Check your tires.
2. Reduce your speed.
3. Avoid a lot of starts and stops.
4. Get rid of extra weight.
5. Don't vote for liberals.


----------



## kiyote

*A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.*


The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the instructor saw the helicopter coming down, spiralling until it landed.

The instructor ran to see if the blonde was hurt and was surprised to find she was not. He asked what happened.

The blonde replied, "I don't understand. I was doing great until I got up to 3,000 feet and started feeling cold, so I turned the big fan off."


----------



## kiyote

*Checked the Kelly Blue Book for my trucks value.* 




*It asked if the tank was full or empty.*


----------



## kiyote

*Four cows are playing poker and smoking dope...*

Yeah, the steaks were pretty high...


----------



## kiyote

*I had to call off my wedding* 

With the ban on Russian imports, my mail-order bride couldn't make it


----------



## kiyote

*I bought a ticket for the Space Museum*

I was expecting to see rockets and such but all I saw was an empty warehouse


----------



## kiyote




----------



## Glenwhey

Dang, Kiyote, Rodney Dangerfield would be proud.


----------



## kiyote

*Two out of work cowboys*
decided to go to Indian Territory and make a couple of bucks collecting scalps.
One morning they woke.
There were a thousand Indians to the East
There were two thousand to the West
Even more to the North and South

one cowboy looked at the other and exclaimed. "we're rich!"


----------



## kiyote

Glenwhey said:


> Dang, Kiyote, Rodney Dangerfield would be proud.


one of the all time greats!


----------



## kiyote

*Yakov Smirnoff quotes.* 


*In Russia we only had two channels.
Channel one was propaganda.
Channel two consisted of a KGB agent
telling you: Turn to channel one.

In America, you assassinate the president.
In Soviet Russia, President assassinate you!

In Russia if a male athlete loses,
he becomes a female athlete!

In America you can always find a party
In Soviet Russia. the Party can find you!

In America, you break the law!
In Soviet Russia the law breaks you!

Many people are surprised we have
comedians in Russia, but they are there.
They are dead but they are there.

Homosexuality is a crime
and the punishment is
seven years in prison.
There is a three year waiting list.*


----------



## kiyote

*When China invades Taiwan...
I bet you won't see the left removing
products made in China from the shelf.* 

but to keep this joke in the realm of fair and balanced .........

I bet the right will make a mad dash to clear the shelves!



truth often churns out the funniest jokes.


----------



## kiyote

*A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are...*

... in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"

The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"

The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian!"


----------



## kiyote

*Plato and Socrates were hanging out at the*

public bath when their friend stopped by with two drop-dead gorgeous women. Plato whispered to Socrates "It looks like Isosceles is experimenting with triangles again"


----------



## fr3db3ar

I saw an ad that said radio for sale 1$, volume stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I just can't turn that down.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*A woman marries a man and has 10 children.*

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”


----------



## kiyote

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".


----------



## SteveMc

What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

They both have a wet nose


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*An old hillbilly farmer...* 

...had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”


----------



## kiyote

*Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel*

appears in the boat with them. The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, "I've suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?"

The angel touches the man's back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man's glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's vision clears, and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. "Don't touch me!" he cries. "I'm on disability!"


----------



## kiyote

*I opened a bottle of Wild Turkey & did my taxes.* 


*I'm Getting Back 4 MILLION DOLLARS!*


----------



## youngdon

Awesome. Could you lend me a million. I swear I’ll pay you back.


----------



## youngdon

Honest !


----------



## kiyote

one fer you an one fer you and that leaves me 6 MILLION! 

damn I loves wild turkey!


----------



## kiyote

*If we had some bacon*

We could make bacon and eggs.
If we had some eggs.


----------



## kiyote

*Overeaters Anonymous new phone number*

888-888-8888


----------



## kiyote

*I took out my wallet and...* < FYI-ItsMe > 2022-03-23 04:00

...extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don't waste time fishing,” the homeless man said

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man

“I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I'm not going to give you money

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded

“Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

I replied, “Don't worry about that

It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting


----------



## kiyote

*How many Russian Generals does it take to*

change a light-bulb?

Nobody knows because there's no longer enough to test.


----------



## kiyote

*When Biden had pizza with the troops, they asked*

...if he wanted his pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices.

Biden said: _*Come on, man! 6 slices, I couldn't eat 8 slices!*_


----------



## kiyote

*I lost my hair years *ago,* but *I still carry my favorite comb.
I just can't part with it


----------



## kiyote

*2023 Oscar ratings will be sky high* 

Mike Tyson hosting, Chris Rock writing the jokes.


----------



## kiyote

*Why did Will use an open hand?* 


Because paper always beats Rock.


----------



## fr3db3ar

One day, a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island, where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says, "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No, thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

*CNN reports Oscars "mostly peaceful"*


----------



## kiyote

*Might wake up early and go running tomorrow.* 

I also might win the lottery.

Odds are about the same.


----------



## kiyote

*My acupuncturist recommended a* cortisone shot for my knee.
I've been on pins and needles ever since


----------



## kiyote

*I took my son out for his first drink* 

We tried a Bud and he didn't like it so I drank it. Then we tried Carlsberg and Guinness among others and he didn't like them either so I drank them too. By the time we got to whiskey I was almost too drunk to push his stroller home


----------



## kiyote

*I asked some friends what IDK means on *posts.
turns out no one knows.


----------



## kiyote

*Caitlyn Jenner is working for Fox News*

Now they have 2 Tuckers


----------



## kiyote

*Warning: The Surgeon General has determined*

that everything causes something.


----------



## SteveMc

What does a 9V battery and a woman's A$$hole have in common?

Your gonna end up testing it with your tongue


----------



## kiyote

CHINA CLAIMS THAT CORONAVIRUS CAME FROM AN OLD STUPID BAT, BUT NANCY PELOSI DENIED HAVING BEEN INVOLVED.

"PAYDAY" CANDY BAR IS CHANGING ITS NAME BECAUSE IT'S OFFENSIVE TO THOSE WHO DON'T WORK.

IF THE CURRENT POWER GRID CAN'T HANDLE A NIGHT OF 20 DEGREES TEMPERATURES WITHOUT ROLLING BLACKOUTS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO PLUG 100 MILLIONS ELECTRIC CARS UP AT NIGHT?

ARE THERE ANY COUNTRIES THAT TAX THEIR CITIZENS AND SEND SOME OF IT TO AMERICANS?

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A WORLD WHERE EVERY TWEET AND MEME MUST BE FACT CHECKED BUT NOT A BALLOT.

HOW TO STOP DRUNK DRIVERS FROM KILLING SOBER DRIVERS? BAN SOBER DRIVERS FROM DRIVING. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW GUN CONTROL WORKS.

CAN WE STILL ORDER BLACK COFFEE? ARE BROWNIES BEING TAKEN OFF THE SHELF? IS WHITE CASTLE CHANGING IT'S NAME? I'M SURE CRACKER BARREL IS SCREWED. CAN WE STILL PLAY CHINESE CHECKERS? IS THAT SEASON STILL CALLED INDIAN SUMMER? NO MORE ITALIAN SAUSAGES? HOW FAR DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS?

HECK OF A JOB, DEMOCRATS! YOU'VE MANAGED TO BRING BACK THE 1918 PANDEMIC, THE 1929 DEPRESSION, THE 1968 RACE RIOTS AND THE 1973 GAS PRICES - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.


----------



## kiyote

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.


----------



## kiyote

*Well, last week was my birthday* 

and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.
My parents forgot too and so did my kids.
I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday! But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.

Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…

I just sat there on the couch with nothing on but my socks.


----------



## kiyote

A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised my gun and I fired. I didn't have time to identify the species. I am genuinely sorry. When I get home, I promise to make a significant donation to the Environmental Defense Fund, and I promise to never do it again."

The ranger thinks about it and says, "Well, under the circumstances I guess we could let you off with a warning. But, I'm curious: what did it taste like?"

The guy answers, "Oh, a bit like bald eagle."


----------



## kiyote

*Covid fun fact*

People who have not had covid yet clearly don’t have any friends


----------



## kiyote

*One good turn............gets all the blankets. *


----------



## kiyote

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."


----------



## kiyote

*God grant me the Senility to forget the people* 

I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference


----------



## kiyote

*Inflation is so high*

my wife is having sex with me now instead of buying batteries


----------



## kiyote

*I saw a homeless guy with a sign that read* 

"One day, this could be you." I thought for a minute then put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.


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## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*This cowboy...* 

...was riding his horse through New Mexico and got thirsty, so he stopped at the next town he came to, went into the saloon and ordered a beer. After drinking his beer he paid the barkeep and went outside where he found that his horse was stolen. He calmly goes back into the saloon and stops just inside the door and looked around slowly. Then he pulls his six shooter out of his holster, twirls it a few times before throwing it up into the air in a wild spin. He catches it perfectly as it comes back down, then raises it above his head and fires three quick shots into the ceiling. Seeing that he now has everybody's attention he announces, "I don't know who it was but one of you stole my horse. I'm going to sit down and have another beer. Then I'm going to go back outside and my horse had better be tied up back at the water trough. If he's not there then I'll do exactly what I did in Texas, and you do NOT want to see exactly what I did back in Texas."

The old cowboy finishes his beer and goes outside, and finds his horse tied again at the water trough. As he starts riding out of town the barkeep runs out and asks as he catches up to him, "Sir. Sir, what exactly did you do back in Texas?"

"I had to walk home."


----------



## kiyote

*Police have confirmed...*

...that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.


----------



## kiyote

*Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the* park.

It reminded me of my teenage days.

When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Ask your Doctor about Cyanide.* 

Relieves pain and suffering.


----------



## kiyote

*For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!

In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.

A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.

Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.

A white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."*


----------



## kiyote

*The man who *invented autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.


----------



## kiyote

Scientists* say the average size of the male penis* has gone down to 4 inches, which only goes to show how big the Chinese population has been getting.


----------



## kiyote

*
My wife suggested we should try some* 

role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache


----------



## kiyote

A little girl is sitting watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "You must have really aggravated Grandma."


----------



## kiyote

*A fortune teller started laughing seconds after* looking into her crystal ball. The client hits her.
The fortune teller asks, "Why did you do that?" 
The client says, "My mother always told me to strike a happy medium !"


----------



## kiyote

*I just found an origami porn channel*

but it is paper view only


----------



## kiyote

Wife: "My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks."

Husband: "What did your dentist say?"


----------



## kiyote

Husband: "Last night, in your sleep, you were using abusive language against me."

Wife: "That was your imagination."

Husband: "What was my imagination?"

Wife: "That I was asleep."


----------



## kiyote

One day there were 3 Labrador retrievers sitting in the vet's waiting room between their owner's feet looking worried. There was a black lab, a chocolate lab, and a yellow lab. The black lab says to the yellow lab, "What are you here for?" He replies that he's a pisser and pees on everything. Earlier that morning he saw a bump under the sheets and peed on it. It was his owner and she's mad. So he's in to get his balls cut off. He turns to the chocolate lab as asks why he's there. He says," I'm a chaser. I chase anything. This morning my owner backed down the driveway and I chased her, making her turn too sharp and she took out the mailbox. So, I'm here to get my balls cut off." They then ask the black lab why he's there. "I'm a humper. This morning my owner got out of the shower and dropped her towel. She bent over to pick it up and I couldn't control myself. I humped her real good." The yellow asks, "So are you here to get your balls cut off too?" He says, "Nope. I'm just here to get my nails trimmed and get a breath mint."


----------



## kiyote

*Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"

Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."*


----------



## kiyote

*Fifty Years Later*

1972: Long hair
2022: Longing for hair

1972: Moving to California because it's "cool."
2022: Moving to California because it's warm.

1972: Growing pot
2022: Growing pot belly

1972: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2022: Getting a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2022: Kidney stones

1972: Take acid
2022: Take antacid


----------



## kiyote

what gender is this? so hard to keep up! puzzling!


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*Last night I had a dream* 

that I was a muffler

when I woke up I was exhausted


----------



## SteveMc

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them


----------



## kiyote

*The democrat disinformation board has determined*

that all criticism of the democrat disinformation board is disinformation.


----------



## kiyote

*There's a new anonymous sperm bank* in Indiana. It's called " Hoosier Daddy"


----------



## kiyote

*I just saw some idiot at the gym* put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.


----------



## kiyote

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”


----------



## kiyote

Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. “What are you doing?” asks the Nebraskan.
“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them.”
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. “What are you doing?” asks the gal from Montana.
“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out


----------



## hassell

Glad you're back in action Kiyote, you took a couple days off, missed my fix.


----------



## kiyote

took a quick trip to washington to fish the columbia with my brother and nephew.


----------



## hassell

Looks like you had some good weather.


----------



## kiyote

hassell said:


> Looks like you had some good weather.


 yeah. we got rained on some but no wind. never seen the columbia without five foot swells. it was a pleasant change.


----------



## kiyote

*A cadet in training for...*

...the Georgia State Police was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

His answer: Call for backup


----------



## Glenwhey

And, good fishing. Trout beats bass any day!


----------



## kiyote

*Man and his wife...*

...were playing cards one afternoon when the husband said, "Our marriage is like a deck of cards; all we needed were two hearts and a diamond."

She answered, "That was then, sweetie. Now I wish I had a club and a spade."


----------



## kiyote

*I do some volunteer work with single moms.......*

Just helping them get their start....


----------



## kiyote

*An invisible man *and an invisible woman got married. I'm not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.


----------



## kiyote

*Because of the baby formula shortage I*

ran an ad for a wet nurse. She asked the age of who she would be nursing, I told her 70. She hung up


----------



## kiyote

*The geography of a woman as she ages:* 


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well-developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.


----------



## kiyote

*What to Do About High Fuel Prices?*

EZ:

Freeze all new oil and gas leasing on federal lands.

Makes Perfect Sense.


----------



## kiyote

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the plane, it seems extremely painful.


----------



## fr3db3ar

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies. 

'Fred what?' the officer asks. 

'Just Fred,' the man responds. 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. 

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' 

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. 

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. 
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


----------



## kiyote

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.


----------



## kiyote

*I was waiting at a bus stop when* 

a gust of wind blew a young lady's skirt up over her head. "Rather airy, isn't it?" I asked. She turned to me and replied "What the hell did you expect, feathers?"


----------



## kiyote

*I can’t stand homeless people* 

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.


----------



## kiyote

my girlfriend got a zombie tattoo on her hoohaw.
when I asked her why , she said because it eats your brain.


she was correct . I love feeding the zombie!


----------



## kiyote

*Teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s 2 plus 2?*

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “4?”.
She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s 3 plus 3? ”.
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “6?”.She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s 5 plus 5?”.
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven?”.


----------



## kiyote

*Yesterday I paid a stranger to* 

knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *Yesterday I paid a stranger to*
> 
> knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing.
> 
> Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy


hopefully your Dr has upgraded from the Sony beta cam.


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> hopefully your Dr has upgraded from the Sony beta cam.


oh god, I would rather get the cancer.


----------



## kiyote

a guy came up to me in the bar and said," can I ask you a hypothetical question?"

I said , go ahead."

if you went camping and drinking with a bunch of guys and woke up in the morning naked with Vaseline on you butt , would you tell anyone?"

" HELL NO!"

" great! want to go camping?"


----------



## kiyote

*What did the blind man say when he walked past*

the fish market?


"Hello Ladies"


----------



## kiyote

*The Right Needs New Conspiracy Theories.*

All of their old ones keep coming true.


----------



## kiyote

break out your face diapers snowflakes. the monkey pox is coming for you! 




round an round we go!


----------



## kiyote

*Who is the greatest?* 

A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

BOOB: “I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex. That’s why I’m the greatest.”

VAGINA: “That’s nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex. That’s why I’m the greatest.”
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Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to speak!


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## kiyote

*All of my passwords are protected by amnesia*


----------



## kiyote

*Congratulations George Floyd* 




*2 years clean & sober.*


----------



## kiyote

*In the beginning* 

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”

God said, “Go down into that valley”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the River.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill …”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under His breath), “Geez …” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it?”

Adam said, “What’s a Headache?”


----------



## kiyote

*These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for the brainless!)


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a 'Drop Bear'. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Will I be able to talk English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.*


----------



## kiyote

*The safest place for children in America*

Is in the mother’s womb… unless your in new york!


----------



## kiyote

gun control


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*When you thought Bidum couldn't get dumber...*

well, you were wrong!


----------



## kiyote

*Lefty Logic; Empty store shelves don't matter*

when you can't afford to drive to the market anyway.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*
Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather’s* 

farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, “Grandpa, what’s that?”

Grandpa replied, “That’s a cock, and that’s a hen, and he’s serving her.”

Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, “Grandpa, what’s that?”

Grandpa replied, “That’s a horse, and that’s a mare, and he’s serving her.”

At dinner that night, Grandma said, “Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?”

At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, “If he does that, I’m having a hamburger!”


----------



## kiyote

*breasts are like batteries. AA's are OK, C's are* 

good, D's are much bigger and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them


----------



## kiyote

*And Just Like That* 




*Democrats brought back the 1918 pandemic, The 1929 depression, the 1968 race riots and the 1973 gas lines,
ALL AT THE SAME TIME!*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*The guy who invented the umbrella was going to*

call it the ‘brella’.

But he hesitated.


----------



## kiyote

*Two Amish women*

Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Yoder are in the garden digging potatoes. Mrs Miller holds a large potato in each hand and says These remind me of my husband Kaleb's testicles .
Mrs Yoder says Oh goodness...they are that big???
Mrs. Miller says No..,they're that dirty.


----------



## kiyote

*Next Mad Max movie* 

A virus rages across the planet..
Digital money has collapsed.
Store shelves are empty, babies have nothing to eat.
Men fight over dwindling sources of oil.


----------



## kiyote

*One year in:* 




*
Nothing is built
Nothing is back
Nothing is better*


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *One year in:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nothing is built
> Nothing is back
> Nothing is better*


Not true:
The bank accounts of the politicians are being built. 
They are patting each other on the back
THEIR lives are better.


----------



## kiyote

lol. I have had folks tell me I should run.

I tell them I am to honest and therefore unelectable.

I don't much care for most folks I meet and I would run on the platform of ," I will not promise you your lives will get better but I can assure you MINE will!"


----------



## kiyote

as a society we need to curb "toxic maskulinity " 

*Microplastics From Masks Found Deep in Lungs of the Living*
BY JOSEPH MERCOLA TIMEJUNE 1, 2022 PRINT
_Microplastics used to make surgical masks were found in 11 of 13 patients undergoing lung surgery. Data demonstrate how these particles may cross into the bloodstream and could enter organs, the brain and developing babies._
*Story at-a-glance*

Researchers found 39 microplastics in surgical lung samples from 11 of 13 people. There were 12 types that would commonly be found in plastic bottles, twine, clothing and surgical masks
A respirator specialist says surgical masks don’t meet the legal definition of a mask but rather are “breathing barriers.” He was emphatic they are shedding microplastics small enough to be inhaled
A data analysis of cases, hospitalizations and deaths in Kansas revealed counties with mask mandates had higher mortality rates than those without mask mandates
Once inhaled or consumed, microplastics can be found in your bloodstream in particles small enough to cross membrane barriers. It’s also found in an infant’s first stool, suggesting maternal exposure; an animal study found nanopolystryene particles in fetal brain, liver, kidney and lung tissue 24 hours after maternal exposure
Tiny bits of plastic about the size of a sesame seed or smaller are everywhere. News headlines often show intact plastic bags, rings and bottles as the primary threats to the environment — and these are indeed harmful to marine life and more — but the smaller, more insidious microplastic bits may even be more harmful. A study1 from Great Britain2 found microplastics in 11 out of 13 patients’ lungs.
Across the world, 299 million tons of plastic were produced in 2013, much of which ended up in the oceans, threatening wildlife and the environment.3 That number jumped to 418 million tons in 2021.4 In 2018, the U.S. alone generated 35.7 million tons of plastic and sent 27 million tons to landfills, which accounted for 18.5% of all municipal solid waste.5
Chemicals found in plastic products are known to act as endocrine disruptors.6 These chemicals are similar in structure to natural sex hormones, and they interfere with the normal functioning of those hormones in your body.7 This poses a particular problem for children who are still growing and developing.
The price that society will pay for the ubiquitous use and distribution of plastic particles has yet to be quantified. Evidence suggests that the long-term exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals like phthalates poses a significant danger to health and fertility.
The amount of plastic that enters the environment grows each year as manufacturers continue to produce products in disposable containers and consumers continue to demand a disposable lifestyle. At a time when advocacy groups warn that plastics are falling from the sky8 and have become a global tragedy,9 the COVID-19 pandemic has driven the plastic problem to even greater heights.
*Study Finds Microplastics in 11 Out of 13 Patient’s Lungs*
Decades of research have shown that people breathe in microparticles of air pollution as well as consume them in food and water. A 2021 autopsy study10 showed microplastics in 13 of the 20 people analyzed and over 20 years ago a 1998 U.S. lung cancer study11 found plastic and fibers in 99 of the 114 lung samples that were examined.
According to the Natural History Museum,12 microplastics measure less than 5 millimeters. They call microplastics “one of the greatest man-made disasters of our time.” While there are industrial uses for microplastics, most form when they break away from larger plastic products in the environment.
Primary microplastics are those produced in small sizes for industrial use, such as in sandblasters, cosmetics or microfiber clothing. Secondary microplastics result from the breakdown of larger plastic products caused by exposure to environmental stressors.13
One team of scientists from Hull York Medical School sought to analyze the impact that inhaling microplastics has on human tissue. Past research has found synthetic fibers in lung tissue, but researchers wrote there were no robust studies confirming microplastics in lung tissue. The current study analyzed human lung tissue in 13 patients who had undergone lung surgery.
They found microplastic contamination in 11 of the 13 patients.14 The team found 39 pieces in 11 lung tissue samples. Laura Sadofsky, senior lecturer and lead researcher in the study, commented on the importance of the results:15


> _“Microplastics have previously been found in human cadaver autopsy samples — this is the first robust study to show microplastics in lungs from live people. It also shows that they are in the lower parts of the lung. Lung airways are very narrow so no one thought they could possibly get there, but they clearly have._





> _This data provides an important advance in the field of air pollution, microplastics and human health. The characterisation of types and levels of microplastics we have found can now inform realistic conditions for laboratory exposure experiments with the aim of determining health impacts.”_


Study authors found the subjects harbored 12 types of microplastics, “which have many uses and are commonly found in packaging, bottles, clothing, rope/twine, and many manufacturing processes. There were also considerably higher levels of microplastics in male patients compared to females.”16
Another unexpected finding was that a higher number of microplastics were found in the lower portions of the lung. The most abundant types of microplastics were polypropylene (PP) and polyethylene terephthalate (PET).17 This finding points to the recent ubiquitous use of blue surgical masks during the pandemic as PP is the most commonly used plastic component in those masks.
*Expert Says COVID Face Covers Are Not Masks*
A study18 published in 2021 looked at the risks of wearing blue surgical face masks and inhaling microplastics. The researchers found that reusing masks could increase the risk of inhaling microplastic particles and that N95 respirators had the lowest number of microplastics released when compared to not wearing a mask.
They said, “Surgical, cotton, fashion, and activated carbon masks wearing pose higher fiber-like microplastic inhalation risk …”19 and yet, according to Chris Schaefer, a respirator specialist and training expert, the masks used by millions of people throughout the world are not really masks at all.20
Schaefer calls these “breathing barriers” as they “don’t meet the legal definition” of a mask. He was emphatic that the surgical masks used by consumers throughout Canada, the U.S. and the world are shedding microplastics small enough to be inhaled.21


> _“A [proper] mask has engineered breathing openings in front of mouth and nose to ensure easy and effortless breathing. A breathing barrier is closed both over mouth and nose. And by doing that, it captures carbon dioxide that you exhale, forces you to re-inhale it, causing a reduction in your inhaled oxygen levels and causes excessive carbon dioxide. So, they’re not safe to wear.”_


He encourages people to cut one open and look at the loose fibers that are easily dislodged within the product.22


> _“The heat and moisture that it captures will cause the degradation of those fibres to break down smaller. Absolutely, people are inhaling [microplastic particles]. I’ve written very extensively on the hazards of these breathing barriers the last two years, I’ve spoken to scientists [and other] people for the last two years about people inhaling the fibres._





> _If you get the sensation that you’ve gotten a little bit of cat hair, or any type of irritation in the back of your throat after wearing them. That means you’re inhaling the fibres.”_


He went on to note that anyone exposed to these types of fibers in an occupational setting would be required to wear protection. Instead, people are using products that increase the risk of inhaling fibers that “break down very small and, well, what that’s going to do to people in the in the form of lung function — as well as toxicity overload in their body — I guess we’ll know in a few years.”23
*Face Coverings Also Increase the Death Rate From COVID-1
Plastics Trigger Cell Damage and Death*


----------



## kiyote

*Sport of fencing massively popular during Covid*

Masks
Gloves
Stab anybody who comes within 6 feet of you.


----------



## kiyote

*President Biden decides it is time*

to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President B backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."


----------



## kiyote

*Why don't blondes talk during sex?*

Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.


----------



## kiyote

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.


----------



## kiyote

*I have no idea what inflation is…*

But whatever it is.. it’s driving up the cost of living over the last year!!!!


----------



## kiyote

*Jewish boy: "Dad, I need $20."* 

Dad: $10? what do you need $5 for?


----------



## kiyote

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own damn blanket.”


----------



## youngdon

lol


----------



## kiyote

now ,THAT ,is hillarious!


----------



## kiyote

*My uncle became a proctologist because he*

liked looking up old friends


----------



## kiyote

*A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”*


----------



## kiyote

After his last class at Sunday school, Johnny's parents asked him what he had learned......................

Johnny: "Well, I heard about this guy named Moses and his people, and how this army chased them with tanks & guns. The army chased Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then, at the last moment, they found some canoes and escaped."

Parents: "That's not what they really taught you, is it Johnny?"

Johnny: "No, but I figured you'd believe that before you'd believe what they told me."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said,* 

“I’d better warn you, she’s expecting a baby.”

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper…


----------



## kiyote

*confucious say-"Dude goes to sleep with itchy butt*

.....wakes up with smelly finger!"


----------



## kiyote

*A judge was interviewing a woman...* 

... regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honor" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!


----------



## kiyote

A little girl walks up to her father and asks: "Daddy....if you're black and mommy is Chinese, how come I look Mexican?" The father responds: "Honey after an orgy like that, you're lucky you don’t bark"


----------



## kiyote

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


----------



## kiyote

*"he rides a bicycle like he* 

runs the country--straight into the ground"...


----------



## kiyote

*If Satan ever lost his hair,*

There would be hell toupee.


----------



## kiyote

*A new German coast guard officer was appointed* during WWII.

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears:

‘Mayday! Mayday!’

‘Mayday!’

‘We’re sinking!’

The German officer presses the microphone speaker button hesitantly, and replies:

‘Uh….ha….halloo?’

‘Mayday! Mayday! We’re sinking! I repeat, we’re sinking!’ bursts the British voice.

‘Hallooo?’ replies the officer.

‘We are SINKING!!! SEND HELP!’ cries the British voice.

Hesitantly, and with much confusion, the German officer responds:

‘Uh….Vat are you sinking about?


----------



## kiyote

*A man walked into a Walgreens...* 

... and asked where the tampons were.

Cashier: "Aisle 5."

Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton balls and some string.

Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."

Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."


----------



## kiyote

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.


----------



## kiyote

*Jan 6 incursion death toll rises*

As people die of boredom watching the hearings.


----------



## kiyote

*Roe vs Wade overturned*

Suddenly democrats know what a woman is.


----------



## kiyote

my wifes having twins! gonna name em roe and wade!


----------



## kiyote

*Three women have just entered heaven, and are*

standing in front of an angel, and St. Peter, to learn of the special privileges they’ll have living there.

St. Peter says to the women, “I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?”

The first woman answers, “I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room.”

The second woman says, “I have never known a man’s touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass.”

St. Peter turns to the angel and says, “Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!”

The third woman says, “I had sex with 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died.”

St. Peter stands stunned for a second, then leans over to the angel and whispers, “Give her a key to my room.”


----------



## kiyote

*They called it the novel corona virus because* 

it was fiction.


----------



## kiyote

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.


----------



## kiyote

*A hobo knocked on a teacher's door...*

And asked the lady for something to eat or some money to buy a meal.
"Yes, of course," she said, and motioned to him to follow her around to the backyard.
"See that stack of firewood over there?" she asked.
"I seen it," said the hobo.
Not missing an opportunity to correct the hobo's English,she said, "You mean you saw it."
The hobo replied, "Lady, I seen it, but I sure ain't gonna saw it."


----------



## kiyote

*Why doesn’t Garth Brooks shop at Home Depot?*

Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.


----------



## kiyote

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather – Kinky is using the whole chicken.


----------



## kiyote

*Joe and Jill Biden are in a restaurant...*

The waiter comes over and asks Jill Biden,
"What will you have?"

She says, "I'll have the Salmon."

The waiter says, "and the vegetable?"
She replies "oh, he'll have the same."


----------



## kiyote

*After 20 years of marriage*

a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.


----------



## kiyote

A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."

The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"

The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"

The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"

"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"

The man sobs, "She got fired, too."


----------



## kiyote

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”


----------



## kiyote

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## youngdon

Until they brought drugs into it I thought this might be Prairiewolf.


----------



## kiyote

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The man asks, “Why?”
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”


----------



## kiyote

*I was in a bar last night when a waitress*

screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

“I know all the letters of the alphabet!” I shouted back.

Everyone laughed………well, except this one guy.


----------



## kiyote

*I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.* 

Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."


----------



## kiyote

jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's comment and couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor said, "Not sure… I'll need to know more about your lifestyle…" Then he asked Jay, "Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, wine, or hard liquor… or do drugs?"

"Oh no," Jay replied. "Never! I don't smoke, drink, or do any type of recreational drugs…"

The doctor moved on to his next question. "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, prime rib, or barbecued ribs?"

Jay replied, "Not very often, maybe twice a year. My former doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy…"

The doctor continued… "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," Jay responded. "Too much sun exposure is very unhealthy!"

The doctor had just one more question for Jay to determine if his lifestyle would help him live to be 80 or if he'd have to make changes… "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of casual sex?" "No!" Jay replied proudly. "I don't gamble, I drive the speed limit, and I've never had sex with a stranger…"

After hearing the answer to his final question, the doctor turned toward Jay and in a serious tone he responded, "Based on your lifestyle, why do you even care?"


----------



## kiyote

*What happens after...* 

...you take a laxative with holy water?

You start a religious movement.


----------



## kiyote

*Why cant you fool an aborted baby?* 

It wasn't born yesterday.


----------



## kiyote

*Napoleon is at the annual military parade in* Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.

At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such tanks, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon only keeps reading. Ney blurts out the third time, “Your Majesty, look! If only we had such rockets, we would not lose Waterloo!”

Napoleon finally looks up from his copy of Pravda, and wistfully says to Ney, “If only we had such newspapers, nobody would ever know that we lost Waterloo!”


----------



## kiyote

*Sam and Ella...*

...opened a new, self-named restaurant, "Sam-n-Ella's."

After three weeks without a single customer they realized they should probably change the name.


----------



## kiyote

*
Three old Jewish women are sitting on a bench..* 

bragging about their sons...
The first one says... "My son is so wonderful, he brings me flowers every Shavis..."

The second one say... "Well, my son is so wonderful, he calls me three times a week..."

Finally the third old woman chimes in and says... "You both think that is so special...? I'll have you know, my son goes to a therapist, five days a week...!"

The other two look at each other and ask... "And how is this so special...?!?"

The third woman replies... "When he's there all he talks about is me..."


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> *Sam and Ella...*
> 
> ...opened a new, self-named restaurant, "Sam-n-Ella's."
> 
> After three weeks without a single customer they realized they should probably change the name.


When I worked in Restaurants one of the Red Lobster General Managers was named Sal Monetta. 
R. I. P paison.


----------



## kiyote

When people say "You’ll regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon, because I am a problem solver.


----------



## kiyote

I dont trust elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.


----------



## kiyote

Last night our internet broke down, so I had to spend time with my family.
They seem to be nice people.


----------



## kiyote

*Global Facts About Sex* 


At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings.

You hang in there...


----------



## kiyote

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"

The Bishop nods his head yes.

The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "


----------



## kiyote

*My wife and I were going out for our date night.* 

The babysitter smiled and said, “you don’t need to rush home, take as long as you want!”

That was 2 years ago. I hope she likes being a mom.


----------



## kiyote

*The Omigod Variant is the scariest Covid yet*


----------



## kiyote

*Two gay Irish men: Patrick Fitzgerald and* Gerald Fitzpatrick.


----------



## kiyote

*Worst symptom of Covid*

Doctors have reported the worst symptom for most people diagnosed with Covid is 'Brain Fog'.

Brain fog - (not an actual medical term) is characterized by confusion, forgetfulness, and a lack of focus and mental clarity. It is a serious and devastating result for many who have contracted the virus.

So......exactly how long has Biden had Covid?

Asking for a friend.


----------



## kiyote

*Biden calls Obama
Biden heard that the president got Covid so he wished him a* speedy recovery.


----------



## kiyote

*A lawyer is awakened one night when he looks*
up and sees the devil.
Lawyer: "What do you want?"
Devil: "I will give you all the money you can ever spend in exchange for your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."
Lawyer: "Sounds good.......................what's the catch?"


----------



## kiyote

*Do you know why Italian men have mustaches?*

So they can be like their moms.


----------



## kiyote

*I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there, (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed, while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out, from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end, so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned, is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.

As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots, where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it doesn't immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest business, which was the co-op.

I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I'd just come from a bar-room brawl. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "what happened?" I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear, not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.

The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth).

For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the real story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider, a "city folk", I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there goes the dumb-butt that tried to rope the deer".*


----------



## kiyote

A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"


----------



## kiyote

A man is struggling to find a parking space. Lord, he prays. I can't stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I'll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says Never mind, I found one!


----------



## youngdon

For you Cam and Murph.


----------



## kiyote

*Son: I was awarded the Leslie Neislon badge* At school.
Me: What’s that?
Son: A big building with lots of kids.


----------



## kiyote

*A daughter asks her father...* 




*"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I don't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.

Her Dad said, you tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A woman joins a country club* 

and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


----------



## kiyote

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.
He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."


----------



## kiyote

I gave my kid a pet cat, but then I accidently ran over him while I was backing the car out of the garage.
So, anybody want a nice little kitty? Used to be my sons.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Know the signs of white supremacy*

1) Has a job.
2) Has a stable marriage.
3) Completed high school and college
4) Takes care of the kids.
5) Owns a car


----------



## kiyote

*BREAKING NEWS:* 

A man was admitted
to the hospital today with 25
plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors have described his
condition as stable.


----------



## kiyote

My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.

What do you guys think?


----------



## youngdon

I guess the joke is on us today.


----------



## kiyote

*New batwoman movie cancelled* 

After batwoman wrecks 7 million dollar batmobile backing out of batcave.


----------



## kiyote

been on vacation . went to a big family reunion


----------



## youngdon

Was it your family or was it without conflict?


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> Was it your family or was it without conflict?


lol. was good. lots of fun. couple hundred people for four days and no conflict.


----------



## kiyote

*I need everyone to wish me well.*

I have a meeting at the bank today and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.


----------



## kiyote

*Hunter Biden breathes a sigh of relief as*

30 FBI agents and a SWAT team pass by his house on their way to Trumps.


----------



## kiyote

*My vacuum cleaner broke yesterday...* 



*So I put a Biden sticker on it
and it started to suck again.*


----------



## youngdon




----------



## kiyote

*
Hey FBI any interest in Hunter Bidens laptop?* 


*Asking for a friend who
was raided on Monday.*


----------



## kiyote

*Can we hire 87,000 more school security guards..* 



*Instead of IRS Agents?

Asking for every parent.*


----------



## youngdon

And maybe put entry and exit specific doors on schools.


----------



## kiyote

*A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.*


----------



## kiyote

*A blonde was hired as a physical education* 

teacher at a local junior high school.

While she was out on the field, one day, she was watching a bunch of students playing. She noticed one kid who was standing by himself at the other end of the field... So, wanting to make sure all the kids were included, she went down the field, to the lonely boy there, and she said...
"You know, it's okay if you want to join in with the rest of the kids..."

The boys said...
"I can't... I have to stay here"

The blonde was a little confused, but repeated...
"You really can go where the other kids are..."

But, again, the boy retorted... "No, I can't... I have to stay here..."

Completely frustrated with this kids lack of desire to join with the other kids, she demanded... "Really?!? Tell me why you don't want to join the others!"

Finally, the boy responded... "Because I'm the goalie..."


----------



## kiyote

The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls' dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:
"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have any questions?"
A male student in the back immediately raised his hand and asked: "Sir, how much for a subscription?"


----------



## kiyote

deleted


----------



## kiyote

*Mike, Ike, and Stan were on a multi-day fishing*

outing, staying at the Olde Log Inn. Stan decides to take a nature hike and ends up missing for two days. When he turns up at a local hospital, beaten to a pulp, Mike and Ike rush to see what happened. According to Stan, he became lost and wandered around for hours when he happened upon a parked car. He saw what appeared to be people in the back seat. The last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking, "How far is the Olde Log Inn?"


----------



## kiyote

*FBI has confirmed that Trump stole plans* 

to the death star, and has already handed them over to C3P0.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*The shovel is very important.*

It was a ground breaking invention.


----------



## kiyote

*My neighbor is a 90-year-old with Alzheimer's.* 

I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth the effort.


----------



## kiyote

*Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!*

Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.


----------



## kiyote

The wife found a cockroach in the kitchen. She thoroughly cleaned and sanitized the entire kitchen, cupboards and all.

Tomorrow I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I started a new job as a security guard last* night.

Before my boss left, he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.

I am on season 2 already, but I don't know what it has to do with security.


----------



## kiyote

I used to think I was indecisive.
But, now I'm not so sure.


----------



## kiyote

*Two people were caught stealing a calendar.* 

They each got six months.


----------



## kiyote

*Why do lesbians fantasize about Dwayne Johnson?*
because *Rock beats scissors*....


----------



## kiyote

*Two things I refuse to eat for breakfast ...*

lunch and dinner.


----------



## kiyote

*A lot of folks can't understand how we
came to have an oil shortage in America.

Here's the simple answer, nobody bothered to check the oil! We didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for this is geographical. Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Louisiana, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.

Our dipstick's are located in Washington D.C.*


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

"My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked
'Does this make me look fat?'
I texted back 'Noo!'
My phone auto-corrected my response to 'Moo!'
Please send help!"


----------



## kiyote

*My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”*

I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced, and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine, but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."


----------



## kiyote

*An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows.* 

when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife screams..., 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides..."


----------



## kiyote

*A city in Arizona...* 

Was named after the dying words of a Black man who lost a gun duel...
"You muh...."


----------



## kiyote

*Husband takes wife to a disco…*

There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down.”

Husband:” Looks like he’s still celebrating.”


----------



## kiyote

*Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Brandon and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Brandon heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What a horses ass man. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!*


----------



## kiyote

*I swatted five flies today.*

3 of them male and 2 of them female.

How did I know their gender?


Three were on my beer and the other two were on the phone.


----------



## kiyote

*A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new* restaurant...

"Did you smell that food?" the wife asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her."

So, they walked past it again...


----------



## kiyote

*Who are your favorite actors of all time?* 


Mine are Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin


----------



## kiyote

*I went into...*

...work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then, one of my co-workers came in and asked me what I was doing?

"Shh," I said, "I'm a light bulb. I'm acting crazy to get a few days off because there's an out-of-town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."

A minute later, the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you're less stressed."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss demanded to know where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Calif. Asks Residents Not To Charge Electric Vehicles

there is nothing so funny as *reality!


----------



## kiyote

just saw a book titled -how to solve 50% of your problems.

so, I bought two.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*I sent that ancestry site some information* 

On my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me I should start over.


----------



## kiyote

*If I had a dollar for every *gender,* there was*

I would have 2 dollars and run a counterfeit money smuggling ring


----------



## youngdon

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”


----------



## kiyote

The Democrats, as a party, also have not been this enraged since Lincoln freed their slaves.


----------



## kiyote

*My doctor said the best thing I could do* 

for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.
So I started smoking.


----------



## kiyote

*Breaking news....*

California heat wave putting extreme demand on its power grid.
Power Companies and politicians warn of possible brown/black outs.

On an "unrelated" note, politicians doing all they can to encourage all Californians to buy electric cars.


----------



## kiyote

*I was kidnapped by mimes once.*


They did unspeakable things to me.


----------



## kiyote

*On the night of their honeymoon...* 

...just before the passionate love making begins, the wife tells her new husband, "Please be gentle with me; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" he questions. "What do you mean, you're still a virgin? How can that be? You've been married three times before!"

"Well," she starts, "my first husband, he was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was... Gosh, I really do miss him."


----------



## kiyote

*When do cannibals leave the dinner table?*

After everyone's eaten.


----------



## kiyote

*Where do squirrels go during hurricanes?*

Pretty much anywhere depending on how fast the wind is blowing.


----------



## kiyote

*Bruce Lee had a vegan brother named Brock Lee,



and an introverted brother
named Lone Lee.*


----------



## kiyote

*Gavin Newsom is now running ads in Florida...



and other states where people
can still turn on their televisions.*


----------



## kiyote

*My ex wanted...*

...to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said that I was useless in bed.

You should've seen her face when they all disagreed.


----------



## kiyote

*A man goes to the dentist *

to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.
“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we could do that. It would be about $75.”

The man thinks some more.

“What about if you used a trainee and no anesthetic?”

“Well,” said the dentist,” I think that could work, but it would be a lot more painful. I think that would be about $35.”

The man thought some more.

“That’s still a lot. What if you make it a training session with a student doing the extraction, and the other students can watch?”

The dentist says, “Ok, that would be good for the students, but it will be traumatic to have it done that way. I’ll charge you $5 for that.”

“Great,” said the man. “That’s perfect. Can I book my wife for her appointment on Wednesday?


----------



## kiyote

*We always had a college payback program.



It's called GET A JOB!*


----------



## kiyote

*Did you know too much sex* can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

that was back before I went blind.


----------



## kiyote

A woman called her blonde neighbor and said: "Listen, mister! Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even home yesterday."


----------



## kiyote

*Husband is...*

...walking behind his wife and says, "Baby, your butt is getting so big it's starting to look like an old washing machine."

The woman stays quiet and keeps on walking.

Bedtime comes around and the husband starts getting amorous.

The wife says, "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load; you'll have to do it by hand."


----------



## kiyote

*A man brings his best friend home for dinner* 

unannounced. His wife says, "My hair and makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my PJ's, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. Why did you bring him home?"
"Because he's thinking about getting married."


----------



## kiyote

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for, boss.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”


----------



## kiyote

*This guy asked me what I thought of euthanasia.*

I said that I have no problem with young people in Asia.


----------



## kiyote

*A young boy goes to a horse auction with his Dad* 

As the boy's Dad looks over the horses, he stops every once in a while, and runs his hand over the horses legs, chest and flanks...

This gets the boy curious, so he asks his Dad...
"Why do you do that to the horses, Dad...?"

The father replies... "Well, son... you see, I run my hands all over the different parts of the horse to make sure it's is healthy, before we buy them..."

Thinking for a minute, the boy responds back to his Dad...
"Gee, Dad... is the UPS guy getting ready to buy Mom...?"


----------



## kiyote

*A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some *two by fours.

The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"

The guy answers, "A long time, We're gonna build a house."


----------



## kiyote

*Teacher: Where is the English Channel?* 

Student: I don't know anymore. We switched cable companies last month


----------



## kiyote

*I got a job in my first porno this morning.* 


I’m the husband leaving for work.


----------



## kiyote

There are only two (major) parties today:

The Stupid Party and The Evil Party. Once in a while the two parties get together to do something that is both stupid and evil, and that’s called Bipartisanship.


----------



## kiyote

*I saw a homeless man,* 

he was slouching on a park bench.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd gotten into his present circumstance. He said to me "You know, a very short time ago I had it all. My own apartment, good food, the internet, TV. I used to go to the gym, the swimming pool, the library, I had everything." I inquired "What happened, bad luck, divorce, drugs, alcohol?"

He replied "Na, I just got released from jail."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*Putin just started scooping up Mexican illegals.*


----------



## kiyote

*A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer...* 

*and two people show up. One is a Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."*


----------



## kiyote

*Doc, I think I'm a goat.*

Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?

Patient: Ever since I was a kid.


----------



## kiyote

*An extremely inebriated fellow walks*

into a bar, climbs on top of a barstool and shouts, "All lawyers are idiots!"

A guy down at the end of the bar says, "I resent that remark."

The drunk yells back, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an idiot."


----------



## kiyote

*A husband is on his way out to the store* 

when the wife says, "Please pick up a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get me a dozen."

The husband returns with 12 cartons of milk.

"Why on earth would you get me 12 cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."


----------



## kiyote

I'd like to think I'm good in an argument. Like, for example, I was arguing with my husband the other day and he said, "If you look up stupid in the dictionary, it has a picture of your face."
I said, "I'm not the one who had to look up stupid in the dictionary. Also, my dictionary doesn't have pictures."


----------



## kiyote

*
Ralph forgot his wedding anniversary* 

and his wife was more than a bit agitated. "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds. And it better be there or else!" she yelled.

The next morning Ralph woke up early to do his thing. When his wife got up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift wrapped box, smack in the middle of the driveway.

The wife put on her robe and slippers, ran outside and opened up the gift - a bathroom scale.


----------



## kiyote

*I wouldn't use the preferred pronouns of someone* 



*with gender dysphoria for the
same reasons I wouldn't talk
to the imaginary friends of
a schizophrenic.*


----------



## kiyote

*How do you milk sheep?*


Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.


----------



## kiyote

"I have a split personality," said tom, being frank!


----------



## kiyote

*A crazy ex is like a box of chocolates* 


If you're not careful, they'll kill your dog.


----------



## kiyote

*A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and* roll on the radio...

and he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and practices every day until he is just as good as the guys on the radio.

One day, while the horse was playing, the chicken overhears and is inspired, too. The chicken hops over to the horse and starts pecking at a bucket, creating a beat that perfectly accompanies the horse's guitar. The horse and the chicken play together every day for weeks. The chicken even found a drum set out back, and the two began making really phenomenal music.

A cow had been coming by to listen to the horse and the chicken play, and one day, she was inspired, too. She rooted around the back of the barn and pulled out a piano, and without a second thought, and nary a piano lesson to her name, integrated seamlessly with the horse and the chicken.

Now the horse, the chicken and the cow played some of the greatest rock and roll music anyone had ever heard. And, wouldn't you know it, a music producer just happened to visit the farm one day and heard the animals jamming out. He went to them with contracts and signed them that day.

The horse, the chicken, the cow and the producer wound up touring the country. They played everywhere and the people loved them. You could hardly turn the radio on without hearing one of their songs. The producer acted as manager and always made sure every gig ran smoothly and all their needs were met. It was a great arrangement, and everyone was very happy.

Then, one day, the horse got a phone call. His mother was very sick, and she asked the horse to come home to visit. So the horse tells the band and producer he needs to leave for a few days, but he'd meet them at their next concert.

The horse went home and saw his mother, and she was indeed very sick. She ended up dying shortly after, and the horse was devastated. He loved his mother, and wasn't at all prepared for her death.

The horse took care of what he could and prepared to fly back to his band at their next stop when he got another phone call. Their tour bus had been in a deadly accident, and the chicken, the cow and the producer had died.

The horse was dumbstruck. Such misfortune was unimaginable, and he felt himself break inside. He had nothing left: his mother was gone and his career was over. He had lost his best friends and didn't know what to do next, so, in his depression, he decided to drink himself to death.

So, the horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Hey, pal. Why the long face?"


----------



## kiyote

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low-cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I _really_ need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do _anything_ to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"


----------



## kiyote

*as I watch this generation try to rewrite history,


one thing I'm sure of...
it will be misspelled and
have no punctuation.*


----------



## kiyote

*Two Crows*

were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

"See that over there? What is that?" asks the first crow.

The second crows takes a long look. "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow.

"Look at it's hands. No cellphone."


----------



## kiyote

*Tips to becoming a better conversationalist...*

Tip #10. Ask people questions that give them a chance to talk about themselves.

Example: What the hell is the matter with you?


----------



## kiyote

old but still.............



*The federal government which has


cruise missiles, and "Apache," "Blackhawk," "Iroquois," "Kiowa," "Chinook," "Lakota" and "Iroquois," helicopters - and used the code name "Geronimo" in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden officially objects to the name of the "Washington Redskins."*


----------



## kiyote

*Earth is 80% water.*

Next to none of that water is carbonated.

Earth is flat.


----------



## kiyote

past first date questions... what are your hobbies / where do you work?

most important first date question every man should ask in 2022.............were you ever a man?


----------



## knapper

Most chicken coups have two doors, do you know why they don't have four doors? That is a chicken sudan.


----------



## kiyote

*Sometimes I feel like giving up, then I think...


What's the use?*


----------



## kiyote

*A Novice hunter came back to the lodge*

and proudly said, "I shot an elk!"

"How do you know it was an elk?" asked one of the members.

"By his membership card."


----------



## kiyote

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"


----------



## kiyote

How Many Blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None... Blondes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.


----------



## kiyote

*The cast of "Friends" was at sea when their*

boat started taking on water.........................but they were OK, because Lisa Kud-row and David was a good Schwimmer.


----------



## kiyote

*They say the sea is salty from the tears of* sailors. After being on a ship for months with only men.............I can assure you, it's not from their tears.


----------



## kiyote

*
I was on a blind date with a woman...*

and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me. as an agnostic.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."


----------



## kiyote

*Was Clint Black?*

Was Barry White?
Was George Straight?
Was Marvin Gay?

Sure makes Stevie Wonder.


----------



## kiyote

*Why do women have orgasms ?* 

just another reason to moan !


----------



## kiyote

the economy will soon improve because Biden has a handle on inflation.


----------



## kiyote

Lady got a facelift. Dr explained the newest technique.
Dr: I’ve place a knob on the top of your head hidden in your hair. When you get older and the face begins to sag a bit, just twist that knob a tiny bit to the right. It’ll be like having a brand new facelift every few years.
Lady: that sounds great!
10 years later the lady shows up with a problem.
Lady: Dr I’ve loved my face lift but recently I’ve gotten big bags under my eyes and I’m not sure what you can do to help me?
Dr: Ma’am those are not bags! Those are your boobs! You’ve been twisting the knob way too much!
Lady: Oh geez!!! I guess that explains the goatee!


----------



## kiyote

*I just found out you can use Botox to get the*

wrinkles out of your ballsack..............................................................................................pretty nuts, huh


----------



## kiyote

*How do liberals take a bubble bath?* 

They don't.

They shower with their dad.


----------



## kiyote

how do you tell a liberal woman from a conservative woman.
bulge in conservative womans pants is a gun.
bulge in liberal womans pants is a penis.


----------



## kiyote

Two guys walk out of a bar. Across the street from them is a dog sitting on the curb licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that!" His friend replies, "I'd try and pet him first. He looks kinda mean."


----------



## kiyote

*A young man tells...* 

...a rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live forever. What can I do?

The rabbi replies, "Get married."

"You mean," replies the young man, "If I get married I will live forever?"

"No," said the rabbi, "But the desire will disappear."


----------



## kiyote

*Young lion: "Dad, what is a world series?"*

Dad lion: "You wouldn't understand.................you're just a cub."


----------



## kiyote

*Me: "Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen."* 

Wife: "I'm coming with the broom."
Me: "It's not that urgent....................you can come on foot."


----------



## kiyote

*Go to an animal shelter for a dog and you're a* saint.
Go to a Womens' shelter to find a girlfriend and suddenly everyone shuns you.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.

They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.

Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.

Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?

Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.* 

that's one smart monkey!


----------



## kiyote

*A Scotsman is at a bar* 

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt. Noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"

She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"

He chuckles,

"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"


----------



## kiyote

*I stayed up all night* wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.


----------



## kiyote

*
“Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?"*


Husband: “Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?”

Wife: “I don’t get it.”

Husband: “Worked on your ass, didn’t it?”


----------



## kiyote

*A man walks into a bar...*

...and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*A police officer...*
...knocked on my door earlier this afternoon saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both of them and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.


----------



## kiyote

*A 21-year-old woman chose to stay overnight in a

costly hotel in Las Vegas as a treat for her 21st birthday. The morning following her stay, she was appalled when the desk worker gave her a bill for $250. She asked why the room charge was so high.

“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the worker.

The worker clarified that $250 is the standard rate. At that point, the lady insisted on talking with the manager. The manager arrived and explained, “Ma’am the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are both available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” the woman said.

“Well, they are here and you could have,” he replied.

The manager proceeded to say that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from around the world performing here,” he said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

Regardless of the facility he recommended, the lady just answered, “But I didn’t use it!”

After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave him the check. “But madam, this cheque is for only $50,” he said.

“That is right. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.

“Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have.”*


----------



## kiyote

I don't often get hammered but when I do . it shoren hell won't be a the pelosis' house!


to soon? 😁


----------



## youngdon

I wonder if the prosecutor will let Paul boom boom Pelosis attacker out of prison like they do others charged with attempted murder ?


----------



## kiyote

youngdon said:


> I wonder if the prosecutor will let Paul boom boom Pelosis attacker out of prison like they do others charged with attempted murder ?


ha! wouldn't that be a hilarious twist!


----------



## kiyote

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

the man who attacked Paul Pelosi is in the U.S. illegally.
reality makes for the greatest jokes.


----------



## kiyote

*I may be old *fashioned,* but I prefer the old days
When the president and the village idiot were two different people.*


----------



## kiyote

*A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell...*
and said, "Trick or Treat!"

I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late, but better late than never, right?"

Little Ahole earned all of my leftover candy.


----------



## youngdon

kiyote said:


> the man who attacked Paul Pelosi is in the U.S. illegally.
> reality makes for the greatest jokes.


He’s a Canadian, probably fleeing their leftist leader. The joke is on him.


----------



## kiyote

*Walmart will...* 

...be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.


----------



## kiyote

*Last Saturday morning I got woken up*
by my neighbor's lawn mower going at 7 o'clock. I had quite a bad hangover so I just decided screw him, he can cut around me


----------



## kiyote

A drunk man was out in a canoe on a morning after a bender, and lost both his paddles. he spied a gentleman, and two ladies in a boat nearby and called 'can i have one of your oars? the reply was ' these ain't 'oars, one me wife and one's me sister'.


----------



## kiyote

An 85-year-old-couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with a Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out back to see the golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, “What are the greens fees?”

“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is Heaven. It’s free!”

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man scowled at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”


----------



## kiyote

*Running feels great, until you compare it to*

not running.


----------



## kiyote

*Yesterday I saw a gorgeous woman*

walking downtown wearing a t-shirt that said, "Follow Your Dreams". You probably know the rest of the story


----------



## kiyote

VOTE RIGHT!
anything else is wrong!


----------



## kiyote

*If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists* 

do NOT play dead,


----------



## kiyote

Jesus and moses were about to play a game of golf, and jesus, being a newcomer to heaven at the time, was going to have moses teach him about golf. so the first hole had a water hazard, and moses told jesus ' lay up to the water, then you can make the drive to the green'. well, jesus goes for the green, and ends up in the water hazard. moses, being a good sport, gives jesus a mulligan, parts the water, and gives jesus his ball and says, ' jesus, justlay up, then go for the green'. so jesus tees up, and goes for the green again, to which moses said, 'jesus jesus jesus, i told you how to play the hole. i been here longer than you, and i know this course. go get your own ball'. soooo, jesus is out, walking on the water hazard, reaching down, trying to find his ball. the next players came to the tee and said ' will you look at that guy out walking on the water, who does he think he is, jesus christ ?' moses replied ' no, arnold palmer.'


----------



## kiyote

*I wonder what would happen if Musk changed the* 

*Twitter logo from blue to red?*


----------



## kiyote

I slept like a baby last night.....

Lots of crying and pooping...


----------



## kiyote

*There wasn't any parking at the Sex Addict* 

Support Group meeting...............................so everyone came on the bus.


----------



## kiyote

*An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a* 

German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes", "Oui", "Sí", "Ja"


----------



## kiyote

Kid: I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff.

Dad: Like what?

Kid: Like if I don't clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.

Dad: Well, that's what happened to your older brother.

Kid: What older brother?

Dad: Exactly.


----------



## kiyote

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, whose lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth


----------



## kiyote

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenn prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her door, and it’s Robert. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

Jenny is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more ‘action’. Once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, ‘You mean I was here already?’


----------



## kiyote

*What kind of car was Leno working on?*

A Firebird or a Blazer?


----------



## kiyote

*I let my...* 

...blind friend borrow some money the other day. He said he'd pay me back the next time he saw me.


----------



## kiyote

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"


----------



## kiyote

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.


----------



## kiyote

*My psychiatrist told me I have a split* 

personality and charged me $160. So I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other guy.


----------



## kiyote

*My wife approached me*

and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with my skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”


----------



## kiyote




----------



## kiyote

*What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?* 

58


----------



## kiyote

*My first day as a cop....*

Me: Suspect is dancing naked in the street

Dispatch: Copy that

Me: I'll try, but I ain't much of a dancer....


----------



## kiyote

*Trump is an existential threat to our Democracy.* 

This is why I support voter I.D. and a complete ban of mail-in ballots.

We must ensure that Trump cannot cheat in 2024!


----------



## kiyote

*A stork...* 

...brings a legitimate baby.

A lark brings an illegitimate baby.

A swallow brings no baby at all.


----------



## kiyote

*It was the first day of third grade*

in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to fifty. Some did very well, counting as high as thirty or forty with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past twenty. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past fifty, right up to one hundred without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you're from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it halfway through without much trouble. Some made it to s or t, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his dad about his prowess in his new school. His dad explained to him, "That's because you're from Alabama, son."

The next day, after physical education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad. "Dad, they all have little, tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his dad, "That's because you're 18."


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## kiyote

this thanksgiving I think I will bring up the election so there will be more turkey for me!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
to all my faithful followers and the entire PT.


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## azpredatorhunter

Happy Thanksgiving kiyote... still going strong I see. 👍


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## azpredatorhunter

I'm gonna go back and like everyone of my post just So I get the most likes! 
No joking... lol


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## kiyote

azpredatorhunter! said:


> Happy Thanksgiving kiyote... still going strong I see. 👍


one day at a time. good to see you back!


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## kiyote

*I'm posting this joke from my hospital bed:*

Warning: The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a VERY misleading name.


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## kiyote

*I just learned that boxing is about two guys* 

fighting the urge to come out as gay...
I mean, two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times whose entire job is to stop them from hugging


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## kiyote

*Wife: "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."*

HenryVIII: "Not to worry. We'll soon sort it out."


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## kiyote

*I always see...* 

...more people walking into Walmart than I see walking out.

But the meat is cheap, so I don't ask questions.


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## kiyote

*On the first day of college, the Dean*

addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
He says, "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students."

Continuing further, he says, "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100."
"Being caught the third time, would incur a hefty fine of $200."
"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"


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## kiyote

*Mental Health Treatment* 

Put all the people who want to kill somebody in a room with the people who want to die.


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## kiyote

*What do men do after orgasm?*

1% Do it again
1% Smoke
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History


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## kiyote

shit happens


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## kiyote

A man asked his friend, "You look down. Why so sad?'
His friend replied, "I was watching porn and my wife walked through the door."
"Oh, I see," said the man. "But is that so bad?" He asked.
His friend looked at him and said, "She walked through the door on the video!"


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## kiyote

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen won't open"
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.


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## kiyote

Apparently, head lice have now become resistant to the drugs normally used to treat them.
The problem has scientists scratching their heads.


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## kiyote

*An elderly man...*

...in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him that he owed $4.

"But I paid already; don't you remember?" said the old man.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The elderly man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills.

The second man went into the bar and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The bartender replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend and told him how to get free drinks. That man went into the bar and began drinking highballs when suddenly the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were here drinking beer, neither of them paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the man said. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.


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## kiyote

The town's banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, walking through town.

He knew Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and there were rumors that Tom was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend to Tom, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom said proudly... "Sho' nuf...!" and assured the banker the rumor was indeed true...

The banker then asked Tom " Um, Tom, just how old is your bride going to be when she arrives...?"

Tom crowed, "She'll be here in September and by November, she'll be twenty-one...!"

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, understood that the sexual appetite of a young woman might not be easily satisfied by eighty year-old Tom. So, he made a friendly suggestion... wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, of course... He suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch... (All the time knowing that nature would take its own course), Tom's new wife would be happy and in turn, that would make Tom happy...

Thinking for a minute, Tom said... "That there's a dern good idea...!" and told the banker he would start looking for hired hand that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker...

Tom proudly said, "She's really good... she's pregnant!"

The banker, surprised, but happy for ole' Tom, continued to asked if Tom had taken his advice and gotten a hired hand... The banker said... "And how's the hired hand... Did that work out also...?"

Without hesitating, Ole' Tom beamed and said the banker, "Your advice was right on the money... she's pregnant too..."


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## kiyote

*A blonde woman...*

...decides to take a language course to learn Russian. On the first day of class, the professor goes around the room asking the students why they were interested in learning the Russian language. When he gets to the blonde, he asks, "So, why are you interested in learning the Russian language?"

The blonde replies, "My husband and I just adopted a Russian baby and we were told that he would start talking within a year's time. I just want to be able to understand what he's saying."


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## kiyote

Go ahead and call me racist, but, south of the border is nothing but a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. Thank God I live in Canada.


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## kiyote

There was a guy on the beach with gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle down your trunks.”

So the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.

But when he returns to the beach, he discovers that every girl that looks his way, runs off.

Confused, he goes over to the first guy and asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”

The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle goes in the FRONT!”


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## kiyote

wonder if the pickle should be sweet or dill?


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## kiyote

*What do you give a man who has everything?* 

Antibiotics.


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## kiyote

*Jan, "Did anyone ever tell you how wonderful you* are?"

Dan, "Why no!"

Jan, "Then where did you ever get the idea?"


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*My wife minored in psychology.* 

She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."

I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."


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## kiyote

*My son doesn't believe in hitting his kids as* punishment.
Instead, he sends them to school wearing Crocs and Skechers and lets the other kids beat them up.


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## kiyote

*My wife asked for some peace and quiet while* cooking dinner last night.........................
.........so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


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## kiyote

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.

She said if I did she was going to leave me.

That's proof enough that it gets rid of aches and pains!


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## kiyote

*I can cut a log in half just by looking at it.* 

I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own eyes.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

Amal & Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one photo because if you've seen Juan....


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## kiyote

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."
“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were, that would explain the suitcase.”


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## kiyote

*I don’t believe in Bigfoot* 

because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my school recitals and always saw that one empty seat


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## kiyote

*How many Democrats does it take* to change a lightbulb?

NONE!

Brandon tells them he fixed it,
and they sit in the dark and applaud.


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## kiyote

*"I want..." The mating call of the leftist.*


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## kiyote

*What *happened* to global *warming?* oh *yeah,* they*

changed that to climate change or as everyone calls it "seasons"


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## kiyote

parents ,please , do not let Santa give his package to your children!




MERRY CHRISTMAS!


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

*One winter morning...* 

...a man is having breakfast with his blonde wife. The radio announcer says, "We're expecting 4-6 inches of snow tonight. People should move their cars to the odd-numbered side of the street to accommodate the plowing." So the blonde goes out and moves their car to the odd number side of the road.

A week later, the man and his blonde wife are again enjoying their breakfast and, again, they hear on the radio, "We're expecting 6-8 inches of snow tonight. People should move their cars to the even-numbered side of the street to accommodate the plowing." So again, the blonde wife goes out and moves their car to the even-numbered side of the street.

Another week goes by, and again, they hear the news anchor announce, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow tonight. People should..." just then power goes out.

The blonde says to her husband, "Oh no! Now where are we supposed to move our car?"

Without looking up from his newspaper, the husband calmly says," Honey, why don't you just leave the car in the garage".


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## kiyote

*Welcome to the "Golden Showers" club*

yer in


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## kiyote

President Biden decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President B backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."


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## kiyote

*I just watched a documentary on marijuana* 

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.


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## kiyote

*A salesman walks down a beach...*

...and finds a brass lamp in the sand. He picks it up, dusts it off and, as usual, a genie pops out and offers him three wishes.

Being a salesman he tries to bargain, "Make it four."

The genie replies, "Granted, you have three left."


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## fr3db3ar

2 cows were smoking a joint and playing cards. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

Sent from my SM-N975U using Tapatalk


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## kiyote

*I was walking down the street when I noticed*

this guy pickpocket a dwarf. I thought, "How could anyone stoop so low?"


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## youngdon

Probably only had small bills.


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## kiyote




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## kiyote

I have grown old and weary and decided it is time to retire and enjoy my remaining time.
my new year's resolution is to distance from the internet. so, while I may drop by occasionally, I probably won't be posting anymore.

it has been my pleasure to hopefully bring some cheer now and then.

to all of the PT, have a happy and safe 2023 and may the Lord bless you all with many, many more.

live, love and pursue your predator goals and dreams.


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## youngdon

Thanks for all the laughs Kiyote. Enjoy your retirement, but know you will be missed here.


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## hassell

Don - you know that this is just one of his jokes, can you imagine not having your morning coffee everyday.


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## youngdon

hassell said:


> Don - you know that this is just one of his jokes, can you imagine not having your morning coffee everyday.


I hope it’s a joke.. if it’s not I may have to publish his home address.


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## youngdon

Four old geeers were playing their
weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on
Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to
the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such
a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped
my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great
morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!


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## youngdon

Yesterday, my daughter emailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.

So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 84 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled; "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

“Oh man, am I in trouble?" I said; "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun.


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