# Jokes



## Benbibler (Nov 19, 2011)

A man was concerned about his aging widowed mother so he stopped by the pet shop.
He was greeted as he walked in,"Hello, is there something I can can help you with?"
"Yeah, my mom is lonely and has no one to talk to, other than on the phone of course." He says.
The clerk says, "This parrot is special. He is over forty years old and speaks six different languages."
The man says,"perfect. How much?"
"$1000"
"okay, ship it.". 
A few days go by and the man calls his mother and asks,"How did you like the bird I sent?"
She replies," He was delicious."
Exasperated the man says "WHAT? You weren't supposed to eat him. He was a special bird, he could speak six different languages. I got him as a gift for you."
"Well,...He shoulda said something."


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## Benbibler (Nov 19, 2011)

Ádd your own.


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## Predatorhunter (Dec 9, 2010)

That's pretty good.


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## bones44 (Jan 7, 2011)

That's *[Excuse my language.... I have a limited vocabulary]* funny man !!!


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## youngdon (Mar 10, 2010)

LOL. A good way to start the day thanks Ben


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## oneshotcowboy (Mar 4, 2010)

lol good one


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## 220swift (Mar 2, 2011)

good one Ben


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## Antlerz22 (Apr 18, 2011)

To continue this thread as the thread for jokes......BUMP

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

The man asks looking around "So where's Obama's clock?"

St Peter says "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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## glenway (Mar 27, 2011)

Good one, Antlerz. But, did you hear what has become of the clock since it spun away from Jesus?

It was located by our military still spinning face-down in Nebraska soil and has been

named the prototype engine for the Lockheed C-130.


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## knapper (Feb 5, 2010)

If we get enough we can number them and then we don't have to type them out when we want to tell them.


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## Antlerz22 (Apr 18, 2011)

I am a member of "The Hull Truth" this is one of the jokes I liked and copied from there thought I'd share it with you.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


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## 220swift (Mar 2, 2011)

:thumbsup: :clapclap: :clapclap:


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## sneakygroundbuzzard (Nov 1, 2012)

antlerz22, thats a great joke


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## Deadshotjonny (Jan 20, 2013)

A guy was speeding down the highway, and tried to run from a state trooper.
The trooper said "its the end of my shift, so if you can give me a reason why you didn't stop for me I will let you off.

The guy said "I'm sorry my wife left me for a state trooper a few years ago. and I kept going cuz I thought you were bringing her back to me"


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## 220swift (Mar 2, 2011)

LOL


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## finstr (Jan 6, 2013)

An elderly couple went on vacation to the holy land. While they were there the woman took very ill and passed away. The funeral home director advised the elderly gent that a burial in the old country would cost approximately $1000. Or he could have the body embalmed or cremated and transported back to the USA for approximately $50,000. Then he would have the added cost of a funeral at home.
The man thought about it momentarily and decided to spend the large sum and have his wife's remains returned home.
When asked why he decided to spend all that money the elderly gent replied, "A couple thousand years ago a man was buried here and a few days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance!"


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## Indiana Jones (Aug 28, 2014)

Women's rights


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## youngdon (Mar 10, 2010)

A guy goes into a bar, sits down and pulls a little man out of his right pocket. He reaches into his left pocket and pulls out a little piano. The little guy sits at the piano and starts playing. Another
Patron at the bar sees this and asks the man where he got such s cool thing. The first guy says,there's a genie out back granting free wishes. The second guy runs out back, spots the genie, runs over and shouts I wish for a million bucks. Almost immediately the sky starts to darken as a massive flock of ducks flies overhead blocking out the sun. Dejected the man walks back into the bar and confronts the first guy. What the hell says the guy. I asked for a million bucks and the sky darkened with a million ducks, what's wrong with your genie. The first guy looks him straight in the eye and replies, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist ?


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## kiyote (Jun 15, 2014)

Indiana Jones said:


> Women's rights


that thars funny. when was one ever wrong?

white lives matta


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## kiyote (Jun 15, 2014)

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic."
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port
of call for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... [ This is pretty bad ] [ I don't make these up...I'm just the messenger ] [ Are you sure you're ready? ] Sinko de Mayo


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## kiyote (Jun 15, 2014)

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:

"Who Was That?"


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## sneakygroundbuzzard (Nov 1, 2012)




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## dwtrees (Mar 5, 2012)

:that: 's a good one.


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## Antlerz22 (Apr 18, 2011)

*The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.*

*The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.*

*The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'*

*I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, 'says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'*

*The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'*

*Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'*

*The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'*

*Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.*

*Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'*

*Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.*

*Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.*

*The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.*

*'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'*

*The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.*

*Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.*

*The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.*

*But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.*

*'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.*

*'Not really, 'says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars as my fee, that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'*


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## sneakygroundbuzzard (Nov 1, 2012)

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.


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## Antlerz22 (Apr 18, 2011)

A lady went to a plastic surgeon to see what she could do about a facelift.
The doctor said, "Well ma'am, we have a brand new procedure. We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she said.

Two years passed and she went back to tell the surgeon that the dial was giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry ma'am," replied the surgeon, "but those aren't bags - those are your breasts!"

"Oh," said the woman, "so that explains the goatee."


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## youngdon (Mar 10, 2010)

LOL


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## knapper (Feb 5, 2010)

LOL


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